Lettin Go

Letting go.... It’s harder than you think!

Teenagers, how do they become responsible adults and how do you force them into it? Well, you don’t. Yet, they do or at least they can with your help. Become “responsible adults” that is….

It’s a tricky time and a stressful time for both parent and teenager. It is also a time many parents avoid. Parents often hold on tight from age 12 through 17 and then, poof; the magic adult age of 18. You have no more control and if you have not begun the transition into adulthood earlier, this period can be a difficult time for all.

Today is the age where 50’s are now the new 30’s, and at 24 many are going through delayed adolescents. Does that mean at 18 our children are really 10? No, it doesn’t work that way but are we turning out 18 year olds who are not prepared to face the demands of the ADULT world?

The answer is YES.

The key word is transition. Remember 18 is still a teen, yet in all legal respects that teenage cushion is gone. It can be a frightening time for parents and a confusing time for teens.

So how does one navigate these waters?

No, this navigation is not easy; simple yes but easy, no! It is very difficult and it takes about two years to successfully manage all the turns, bumps and grinds.

Letting go for parents can be as difficult as getting away is for teens.

The Key to the situation is this time needs to be a process of “letting go”, not a dump and the process can not begin at age 18. Letting go is also a process of building block’s, which are necessary to help your teen build accountability and test out responsibility.

True, there is no one way to be successful at this process but there are some steps one can take to make the transition easier and you feel more comfortable in the journey.

Your first concept to consider is as your teen gets older, you need to allow them greater freedom. That can mean letting them stay out later to having more autonomy with their friends or letting them decide what classes they are going to take in school. This "freedom" can take on many and varied faces. How much freedom is up to you.  It is up to your own values but remember,with age comes the responsibility of managing their time as well as their behavior. It has to start small and grow gradually.

Success will be reflected in their choices as well as your level of trust.

Giving this freedom, in small increments, will help your teen manage that time and you to be able to assess, trust and adjust to how they accomplish it. With Freedom comes accountability, responsibility and trust. It is a time to learn, to test independence and a time to grow.

Now, we all know “teens” are not going to be perfect; they will break rules and make less than optimal decisions. Even so, the teen years should be guided with a punish less than more rule and when you do discipline, make sure that the punishments are natural consequences to their decisions and behavior, not necessarily to your rules.

If you ground, make sure and avoid “grounding” your teen for more than a few days. It just doesn’t work any longer and it makes you a warden; not a parent. It also impacts your time and grounds YOU. Remember this time is a learning curve and they need the experience and trust to make Responsible Decisions; not just blindly obey or break rules. Use grounding to help your teen think, redirect and know that there are boundaries and consequences that do guide their life.

So what does all this mean? It means it is important to find a balance between encouraging healthy rebellion and setting unreasonable limits…..

If you want your teen to talk with you, don’t pry… that does not mean you should not be involved in their life but remember they have a personal life too. No, this does not mean that you stay out of their life or their business. Remember it is a personal life not a private life.

The key word is respect…. Not rights…. Children have privileges and parents have responsibilities. Everyone needs RESPECT and everyone should give it. It is important not to confuse them, privileges and responsibilities I mean, not Children and Teens... As for respect? It goes across the board.

Give unsolicited advice sparingly. 

By this time your teen should already know your rules, your values and your fears. I know this is very difficult not to do. Sometimes advice and discipline are all we know. Remember, this is a time to model and ask questions. Not the time to tell them all that they are doing wrong and how you would or they should rectify the situation.

Time with your teen will be at a premium and spending time with your teen means doing things that they enjoy doing with you and times for discussions about meaningful and non-meaningful things. It is not about you dragging them to your sisters because you want “family” time and it’s the “right” thing to do. Find out how to be a part of their life as well as how they can still fit into yours. Yes, this means finding time to “be” with them not “lecture” them.

Teens are going to want independence, so encourage their efforts to get a part-time job, to be involved in school sponsored activities, to spend the night with friends. You are going to have to gradually allow them more freedom to make appropriate and inappropriate decisions. This gives them an opportunity to be both responsible and accountable… One way is to allow them more freedom with things you value. Building this trust also builds confidence in and within them.

Your teen is going to have to make major decisions that affect their future way before the magic age of 18. The age where they are still a teen yet have all the consequences of being an adult. It is important to allow them the freedom to make some of their decisions early while you can still monitor their behaviors and choices. It not only shows your interest but it shows your trust.

These years are one of both independence and dependence. You are going to see strong mood swings between these but your task is to give your teen more freedom and shield them less from the consequences of their own decisions… Not to make it safe, non- threatening and risk free. You are going to have to try and see your teen as someone moving towards adulthood rather than stuck in perpetual delayed adolescence.

If started early, your teen can be prepared to begin the age of 18 as an adult. If done correctly, this young adult will then see you as a resource when decisions become tough and use you to help them make responsible decisions when needed and they will be accountable for there behavior and choices. If not, you will continue to rescue them from harms way and reinforce their inability to contend with a hostile adult world; nurturing, in them, a sense of “rights and entitlements”.

As always… It is your choice…..Not all choices are easy and “letting go” is one of the hardest choices you will face in being a parent.

Until next time…. The only thing I ask is YOUR BEST!

Sometimes You Win And Sometimes You Lose.

Sometimes When you Lose, You Win.

I know, it sounds too much like a country western song but it’s no “Sleeping Double In A Single Bed"! We all have had our share of “Heart Aches By The Number” and I hear that “Heartbreak Hotel” remains open for business.

The last time I was told to “Tell Laura I Love Her”, I was “Thanking God For Unanswered Prayers”. It’s not as if “Venus In Blue Jeans” needed any “Paper Roses” to “Stand By Her Man”.

Ok, it sounds like “It’s Crying Time Again” and I don’t believe anyone is ready for any “Whiskey Lullaby”. Maybe it’s time to let “Jesus Take The Wheel” and just plain “Let It Be”. You won’t find this Reservation Recluse “Crying In the Chapel” or waiting for that “Night Train To Memphis”. I would rather just “Walk The Line” and head straight out for “Kokomo”.

As they say, “These Boots Are Made For Walken” and I do see a “Tequila Sunrise” just past the “House Of The Risen Sun”.

It appears that old fashion values are difficult to come by in today’s world. You don’t know who to believe under what circumstance and people change their opinion just as fast as they use to change their underwear.

Now I’m told it’s difficult to find anyone who even knows what they are let alone wear any. Underwear is now popular outerwear and a commitment lasts only as long as you can spell it.

Marriages are pulled apart by the “realization” they were never really meant to be and children are not safe in their own homes, in school or in church. We complain that we don’t get what we are entitled to yet we fail to do what is necessary to protect ourselves and the ones we love.

We wait for others to give to us or we wait for someone else to make a difference in our lives. It seems to me that we do a lot of waiting and a lot of complaining.

Whatever happened to ideals such as Pride, Honor, Respect, Integrity, Responsibility, and Accountability? Have we become so complacent they do not matter anymore? Have we become so afraid that we close our eyes in order not to see?

We live in a time where many are afraid to stand for ideals we were taught. We sit silently by and watch others make decisions for us. Have we come to believe someone else knows what we want and need better than we do ourselves? Or have we become too despondent or lazy to care.

Have we forgotten that “one” can make a difference? Have we forgotten that a single rational voice can be heard above the noise of an angry crowd? Have we become so sensitive to the sensitivity of others that we no longer are sensitive to ourselves? Have we forgotten to stand tall and say enough is enough? Is it now enough to stand waist deep in a pile of “Shit’ and hope it is fertilizer.

When is the last time you said “no”, to anyone?

It’s difficult to listen to your own drummer, let alone march to it. Look around. Hear the rhythm. Make a stand.

Say what you believe and model what you value. Start to communicate - not in an angry fashion but in an assertive stance. Talk to your kids, talk to your neighbors, talk to the people you voted for to represent you. Make your voice heard. Start at home. Start with you.

Take Pride in what you do. Be Respectful to those around you. Live your life with Integrity so others can see when choices are not as defined. Act Responsibly and choices are not so difficult to make. Be Accountable for you and to the ones you love for in that we find Honor.

Throw in a little Guts and I believe we have a receipt for success that anyone can live with and when you look in the mirror in the morning, you just might like what you see.

I know, I have diverted from my usual rants but it has been one of those years. I have made my choice. It is again time to make yours. Maybe you already have…

I hope so because as they use to say, “Time’s a waisten”.

Until later…

“Keep your eyes sharp and your tongue under wraps. It’s not what you know that gets you into trouble; it’s what you do with the knowledge you posses.”

When Bad Boys Remain Bad Boys

When Bad Boys Remain Bad Boys Or Just because you love him doesn’t mean you have to stay!

We have talked about the allure of Bad Boys in the past. How they are sexually exciting and even, at times, intoxicating. How the immediate attraction may be chemical and how that drive for excitement may not last in a mature long-term relationship, no matter how badly you may want it to be true.

I know it is difficult to think about when all you want to do is melt in his arms or aggressively make your way with him... After all, Alpha Males draw Alpha Females.... The survival of the species is at stake ya know... but more seriously, your future happiness.

If all one wants out of life is to be a “player”, to capture the excitement of numerous one-night stands and the power that goes with non-commitment, then it may not really matter. Bad Boys do have their attraction and because of that, their place as well but what about long term relationships? Do they have a place there?

Maybe, in all fairness, one has not to look at the person but the person in context with the relationship... After all, the purpose of a long term relationship is to have the whole be greater than the sum of its parts.... That you become greater “together” than you ever were as a “single entity”. To do this we need to evaluate honestly, not the person and their potential but the health of the relationship and its relationship to the whole...

You need to ask yourself, “Is this relationship healthy, or is it unhealthy?” It is here you need to be as objective and honest as you can. To accomplish this you need to analyze the relationship. How has it has changed or modified since it first began? Has it veered from its projected path of harmony and bliss to something less desirable and more frightening?

It is important to take a good strong look at what it was you wanted and how close it has become to meeting your needs and projections. "Is the relationship nurturing or is it destroying?" Does the relationship provide an avenue for growth or does it stifle and strangle all hope of future other than what once was, while you dread what is. "Do you find yourself constantly focusing on his potential and what could be rather than the reality of what is?"

Are there “rules” to become aware of that signal one may be going down a destructive path? Since all individuals are different and statistics apply to populations not people, the answer is NO. There are no hard and fast rules but there are signals we can assess and apply to both our relationships and ourselves. There are signs that tell us we need to EVALUATE!

What are some of these signals and how can we honestly evaluate the relationship and the person within in it? Well, there are hallmarks one can be aware of and there are signs that one needs to assess.

One of the first things you can do is look towards your friends.

How do your friends respond when your Bad Boy is around or even when his name is brought up? Do you find your friends side step you and look at you like they are not sure who you are any more. Do you feel like they are avoiding you and your “Bad Boy” or do they appear happy to have you both around?

Do you find activities filled with tension and stress every time you are out with others? Do you find yourself constantly defending his actions towards you, your children, or others? Do you find yourself making excuses for his “bad” behavior or even blaming yourself; trying to convince yourself that it will not happen again…? Do you find that he often blames you for situations that don’t go “right” for him? Do you find making the environment less “stressful” for him is an impossible task?

Do you find your friends worried about you and your isolation? If your friends are worried about you, maybe you should be as well...

Check the pulse of the “relationship” not the “quick step” and desire of the heat and the heart. You cannot keep a relationship healthy by yourself or by hope and desire alone. It takes two and most Bad Boys, if their goal is to remain a Bad Boy, is focused on his Image not on you and the relationship.

Do you find he brings out the best in you or the worst in you? Do you feed each other’s best? Or do you feed the junkyard dog that resides somewhere deep within or worse, right at the surface? Do you find you are developing a Junkyard dog of your own in order to keep up or for your own self-preservation?

Do you find that you are losing the fight to believe he will change? Do you find yourself believing if only others would give him a chance he would change? Do you find you are entangled within the belief you are the only one that can bring about his salvation? Worse yet, you are beginning to believe he is your only salvation....

If you find, after an honest evaluation, that your relationship is unhealthy accept the end. Get out as fast as you can. It is dangerous for you and your family. You deserve to be with someone who respects you and is committed to maintain a healthy relationship...

It is not about sometime in the future, it is about NOW.... If you stay, manipulation and controlling behaviors will persist and they will transfer to the manipulation and the controlling of you, even when they no longer care about the relationship... Maybe it already has.

Despite your lingering feeling for this person, you have to take steps to end it as swiftly as you can and leave... Yes Leave, and leave NOW...

No, it is not easy. If it were easy there would not be so many individuals stuck in this place. Yes, it is difficult but you can do it.

Ok, many of you have no idea what I am talking about, yet some of you do, and you know what I am saying has a ring of truth to it... You know! You have just avoided taking a healthy look at and evaluating the situation you are caught up in... You have held out for the miracle of change and the hope for a better future.... You have waited long enough! Despite your best efforts to work things out you need to accept the stark reality.

Ok, you are right... Now is the time I say you have a choice... and again it is true, you do... and it does not matter if you are the Bad Boy or the person that has fallen for one... The choice is yours... and it is time to make it.... Don’t you think you deserve a better today and a brighter future? I do...but you cannot have it unless you make that choice... and the time to make one is NOW...

I have made mine.... Healthy, loving relationships are worth the risk of being alone. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts... You just have to make the decision and then the stance.... I did not say it was easy, I am just saying it is worth it....

As you take a deep seat in the saddle and pull that Stetson down tight, remember that image cannot stand shoulder to shoulder with influence and being an influence has all to do with doing the “right” thing at the “right” time. And that time is NOW...

As always, I am interested in your story and your opinion. Take the time; let me know what you think and what has worked for YOU!

Until next time…. Throw a large loop… You will be surprised how it gives one choice on what to catch…

Stress

Take it or leave it... I am not sure we have a choice...  It could be in how we deal with it..

Lately I have found that many people are seeking methods to reduce stress and question if they can get any handle on their tension, anxiety and sometimes panic attacks. No, there really isn’t any one step, sure fire solution nor are there any real fifteen minute cures. What I am going to discuss is not “therapy” nor is it a replacement for formal therapy options….

But, what I am going to talk about will help reduce your tension and help relax you. What I am going to discuss is a technique developed by Dr. Edmond Jacobson in 1929.. A process called Progressive Neuromuscular Muscle Relaxation.

Progressive muscle relaxation is a technique which involves the systematic flexing and relaxing of tensed muscle groups. It’s a process which relieves us of the body’s typical “fight or flight” response.

We all know that stress and anxiety produce tension and this tension affects muscle. We walk around with clenched jaws, furrow foreheads, and knots in our shoulders on a daily basis. We all feel its affect.

Yes, daily living can produce anxiety and stress, which in turn produce muscle tension. Is it reasonable to assume the inverse? Can we assume that relaxing specific muscle groups will have a direct effect on reducing the impact of anxiety and stress we find in daily living?

Dr. Jacobson believed so and so do many experts in today’s health and wellness fields. It is a belief that an anxious mind is not able to coexist within a relaxed body. Sort of makes sense doesn’t it?

Many individuals have difficulty differentiating between muscles that are tense and muscles that are relaxed. It's like when you give a foot massage and you ask the person to relax their ankle and they reply, “It is.” Yet, you are perfectly aware it isn’t.

The ankle and foot remain stiff as a board…. They have been in this state for so long they do not remember how it was to feel “relaxed”. You then have to move the ankle for them in order for that muscle group to remember and then they can “feel” the difference. Slowly at first but it soon gives up the fight.

Progressive muscle relaxation helps the person to recognize this difference; the difference between when a muscle group is relaxed and when it isn’t.

I am sure you have experienced this before but maybe you have not been aware of its benefits. It is in alternating the tension and the relaxation of certain muscle groups in order for you to both cognitively and physically understand the difference.

It’s easy... Just select a muscle group and tense them as hard as you can for 10 seconds or so. Any muscle group, like your fist, tense it then let it relax. As you release the muscles in your hand, you will immediately be able to feel the contrast between the tension and the relaxation. While doing so, focus on how that group of muscle feels to you.

Note the physical manifestation in your body. Feel the tension. Feel the strength. As you release the tension, focus on the changes your body undergoes as you relax these muscles. Feel your muscles release and the tension leave this area.

If you are really serious, continue with the rest of your body. Start with your major muscle groups such as arms, legs and abdomen. Then progress to your finger, forearms, toes, calves, neck, and jaw. You will soon come to identify how each of these muscle groups feel as they tense and then relax. Some individuals start at either end of their body and move progressively up or down….

Where you start is really up to you. Done regularly you will be able to experience a progressively relaxed state in your body. You will find yourself less uptight, less irritable and maybe even more approachable.

This technique can be used at the onset of a “panic attack” and keep it from progressing to its full extent. It can be a tool to keep you focused and get you through some very tough spots. To begin with it feels foreign but soon it can become as automatic as breathing, especially if you use a breathing technique along with it. As you tighten the muscle, breathe slowing in through your nose and exhale slowly through your mouth as you release the tension in the selected muscle group.

This technique will take you approximately 10 seconds to complete a cycle. It takes your focus away from overwhelming feelings and thoughts, directing them to body functions that naturally reduce tension; belly breathing and muscle relaxation.

Your breathing will naturally slow down, your heat rate will calm, your blood pressure will reduce and your blood flow will go into a more relaxed rhythm instead of a “flight fight” response…. It stands to reason that if these symptoms are reduced or countered, the panic or anxiety is also reduced or avoided.

I know it sound strange but try it. It helps you stay in the moment and away from the “what if” cognitive focus and “fight or flight” body responses.

For best results it is good to set aside a few minutes each day to practice. I take 10-20 minutes before I go to sleep. It helps shed the “uglies” of the day and prepares both my mind and body for a good night’s rest; after you finish the exercise focus once more on your breathing. You should find it flowing, rhythmic and slow. It will be deep as you are using more than the top part of your lungs, as you do in shallow or anxiety ridden breathing.

Pay attention to both your body and your mind, noticing how your body feels compared to before you started the exercise. Remember to be fully present in the moment. Concentrating on your body, your feelings and how they now interact with each other. How they are in harmony instead of dissidence.

No, we don’t really know why progressive relaxation works but we do know that it does. No, it is not a cure but it is a technique that can get you through some really tough spots or minimally a good nights rest….

We all need a little less tension in our lives… Go ahead and give it a try… It is something you CAN do, it doesn’t cost you anything and there are no adverse side effects. The only way it doesn’t work is if you don’t use it. Now, how well does it work?

Well, that is up to you. I do find a direct correlation between use and result…. Like most things…. Use it or lose it…. It’s a simple technique that can produce multiple benefits.

Again, yes, it is a choice…. I have made mine…. It’s your turn to make yours….. What have you got to lose anyway? Tension? What might you gain; a good night’s sleep?

As a long forgotten prophet once said, “If you relieve that pain in your neck you just might not be such a pain the ass to someone else”… It does lose something in the translation but you get the point….

Until later….

A Threat Or A Promise

It Just Might Depend On Your Point Of View


She is familiar with people taking and has difficulty understanding why he does not “ask” anything of her. She has come to believe there is always a price and most times the price has been high.

He is not use to people giving and has difficulty understanding why she puts herself at “risk”, appearing to let him into her “life”. Giving, for him, what is truly important, herself…

He has come to believe there are no such things as “a free lunch” but he feels it may be worth the effort. He is use to walking the edge to play within the twilight of the evening. It is who he is. He risks understanding or lack of it. She risks gaining who she really is, as she plays with walking away from what she has become.

An attraction maintains their orbit. A dance, where each search for the “fissure” that would prove their fears accurate but each risk something neither desire to give but each protects - TRUST. Each, for some reason believes it is worth that vulnerable stance, a stance that makes them “game-less in a world full of games”….

A stance that is not common for either. What is developing is a “relationship”. One, not based on preconceived beliefs, ideas or experiences but one based on circumstance and need. As one once said, “It is all in the eyes”. Some say, a window into the need of the soul.

A need concentrated enough to draw one into a ritual, tough enough for each to break a pattern, yet strong enough to do something out of their “ordinary”. It is an attraction based on necessity. Now that’s a concept, although not new. It has been a dance played out throughout the ages, if one makes the effort and takes the time to look.

Two people caught within a vortex of need, risking their defenses against the world. Complicated because of a “gender” difference, the “dance” filled with “sexual” tension. Each wondering how real it is and each questioning – “if” at a different time, a different place, a different age, a different circumstance?

It is here you find sexual tension giving way to “comfortableness” and that comfortableness giving way to “trust”. Is this how friendship develops between men and women? Or is it all “just” a manipulative game, a game of threat or promise?

You have heard me say that friendships between men and women are different from friendships between genders of the same sex. You have heard me say that men are not friends with women they are not attracted to on some level.

You have heard me say women, on the other hand, do not appear to have that quandary. Once women get past the “trust” issue, attraction doesn’t appear to be as relevant. Getting over the trust issue appears to be their strongest hurdle.

Trust, it may seem, lies deep within the heart of this complicated matter, an attractant in itself... And sexual tension, well it throws a little energized twist to the affair. Unaddressed, this is relationship suicide. It is an unstable explosive waiting to be set free. Addressed, it can lead to a fuller, more highly, honest relationship.

If one does not give into fear or get caught up in the distrust of the past, it can set the foundation of a strong relationship. Fear, we find, has the power to build or destroy. Now do not take me wrong, by addressing “it” I do not mean one has to act upon “it”, but it does need to be addressed. It needs to immerge into the open. Unaddressed, it lies waiting just under the surface, a potential threat.

As a friend once told me, “Expressing your thought isn’t bad”. It’s a necessity. Some would say a cross-road of sorts. It is, at this juncture, you start to set the boundaries of a potential relationship. Boundaries develop safety, safety develops trust, and trust is the foundation of lasting relationships... and Yes, an attractant in itself.

It provides the “plan” in which the relationship can develop. It provides the environment for many questions with little concrete answers, at least not in the beginning. It’s a foundation, which sustains a true relationship.

Sometimes these relationships react like falling stars. Intense and fast, they burn effortlessly, giving way to the moment with little consequence for the future. At other epochs, they grow slowly until they reach the safety of a time when they begin to grow exponentially. In either case, its mark is left within the sands of time and the star-crossed path of the heavens…

Some Random Thoughts:

• When one says, “It’s your call” and the response is “Playball!”, does that mean you are already in the game?
• Then again, sometimes in life we are thrown a “curve” when we are only prepared for something “hard, fast, and right down the middle”.
• Sometimes, Threats need to be treated as a Promise with the knowledge that promises can be as toxic as threats…

Questions:

• Have you ever been “concerned” with someone you really have no right to be “concerned” with and you don’t know what is really right, what is really wrong, or if there is really any difference?
• Have you ever been “drawn” towards someone with no explanation as to “why”?
• Have you ever put yourself “at risk” and you knew it was “wrong” but for some reason it just felt “right”?
• When confronted by these realities do you embrace them or do you try to deny they exist?

Tonight I seem to have more questions than answers. My mind floats between my senses and my brain, lost somewhere in the “between”.

• Between right and wrong.
• Between good and bad.
• Between taking the road less traveled or the one most often trekked.
• Between the choice to “grow” or the “choice to stay within the confines of the safety of what is familiar.

In relationships it is vital to remember how special you are, that you are vital, not only to yourself but to the other as well. Through this mutual need and willingness to risk, you grow and that my friend is not all-bad.

So in this day and age of “screw your buddy”, or “screw” your buddies partner, take the time to develop a new “friend”. You may just find it opens horizons and motivates you to new levels. After all, we all need someone to believe in who we are, not just distrust what we do or believe we “do” everyone we can.

As always, it is a choice. I’ve made mine, are you going to make yours? My guess is that you are. Maybe you already have. How have you “risked” new relationships and new growth? Was it worth it? Are you going to continue?

Until later, this Reservation Recluse is going to “research” the balance between the males need to “breed” and his need to “protect”. When triggered, which one do you believe wins?

I already have an idea, what’s yours…... And how does that relate to friendship, or does it? My guess? Well its twilight and the clouds cover what promise to be a full moon.

Sexual Attraction.. Is it fair to Cheat...

It is a beautiful day today in the Mountain Valleys of the Rockies and I bring you salutations as I sit holding a cup of freshly brewed coffee; its scent filling the room and its warmth taking the chill off my body.

The morning air was fresh coupled with a light warm rain as I rode the Harley down the mountain to begin my day at 5:00 A.M. this morning. As the rain played gently with the bike and myself, my mind began wrestling with the concept of attraction….

Attraction, it definitely wasn’t a rain soaked biker looking more like a drowned rat than an object of anyone’s desire. So what was it?

We have talked a lot about relationships. What drives them? What motivates them and even rules about how to keep them? We have even talked about arousal states and how “Bad Boy’s” attract but are rarely keepers…

In the “relationship game”, we often focus on the development of “trust”, the giving of “respect” and the “power” of love. But, what really drives one into the arms of another?

Some say it is all a matter of the “heart”. Others say love is a “choice” and a matter of the “brain”. Well, recent studies indicate it may be a matter of the “nose”. Yes, you heard me right the “nose”…

It appears we all have an organ located just inside our nasal cavity called the VNO – (vomeronasal organ). Its primary purpose is to detect Pheromones. Powerful airborne chemicals we produce that stimulate our interest in the opposite sex, sort of a call for mating.

This organ detects trace amounts of pheromones and stimulates the limbic region of the brain, which many believe is the area of the brain that is responsible for our emotions and in turn, “sexual attraction”.

As you may have already guessed, with this discovery of our “natural” process in “mate” selection and willingness to submit to “breeding”, someone was going to cash in and market it. True to form, there has been a rush to simulate this natural process.

The challenge is to figure out how to manufacture what we do naturally as a human attractant… and of course enhance it…. Like an expert angler baiting the trout to take his fly, only for it to be reeled in on a light line… Now, would that be a product or Not?

The question is, if you had the ability to use a product that blended our four most powerful pheromones would you use it? Would you use it to not only replace your natural levels but to boost them to such an extent the concentration was unavoidable? Would it be fair? Would you trust the results…?

Is it really all about chemicals and less about the intenseness of the moment and the chance meeting of locking eyes during a rain soaked passing…? Is it really less about the chanced touch or the gentle kiss? Or is it more about enhancing the “fly” and if it is, isn’t that more about “catch and release”?

No, I don’t have the answers. I’m just that rain soaked biker winding down the mountain road thinking “old school” isn’t such a bad idea after all.

Until next time take refuse in the fact it is all about choice…. I’ve made mine… Now go make yours…. Life gives us those opportunities to have choices as well as the responsibility to make them….

As you ponder what life has thrown you, remember not all mountain streams are the same and sometimes not everything that bites your bait is what you want to keep….

Sometimes it is just better to keep them off the hook...

Sense.... Do we have any? I know it is not common... But give me a break!

With the world spinning out of control and yes, I really mean out of control. It has to make a reasonable person wonder! 

Many of us are wondering where our next two cents are coming from in an environment where no one seems to be willing to give two cents about anything.

It makes a person question if it is worth giving two cents about something that makes absolutely no sense at all…

So whom does one trust when people who should have sense, make no sense, and are making rules that are nonsensical? 

We might as well listen to some old timer’s non-sense. Their words, good as they were, are as good now as they were then..

 

Moreover, there appears to be a lot of truth in them thar words…. Let’s take a look and you tell me…

Don’t shoot anyone unless they need killen, and don’t kill anyone that don’t deserve to be shot. As far as everything else goes, If ya kilt it yesterday ya don’t have to worry about killen it today… just make sure it doesn’t get up and move somewhere else.  

Remember, the worst thing about hunting is the gutten and the cleaning…

So, be careful what ya shoot… Ya can hunt any damn thing ya want to… as long as ya keep your rifle to your shoulder and your “gun” out of your hand.. They say it can make ya go blind if ya forget….

Some things just arn’t for sale and your word is all ya got, so don’t go flinging it around everywhere ya go…

Ya walk tall, cast a long shadow and remember where ya come from because if ya don’t, you never know where ya are or where you’re going.

Once ya saddle up for the brand, there ain’t no changing horses. So it pays to, Talk less and listen more. But, ya may be called to backed it up with a good eye and a straight shot; whether that is three fingers of Jack or a .45 cal. Colt.

So remember, you are all ya got to take to the dance, so ya had better learn what to do with your two left feet.

Until later... Keep your socks dry, your boots well oiled and your underwear from runnen up your ass. 

All is good…. As God, helps those who help themselves so long as you just don’t help yourself to other peoples stuff. And, you just might “keep yur hair from being parted in the middle and your ass free of buckshot…

Keep yur britches on when running out the window of yur neighbor’s house, as hospitality doesn’t extend past the first floor…

Therefore, as the good lord says, “go forth and multiply”, just don’t forget the adden and subtracten along with it… Keep the birds in their own nest and the bees in their hive… together well; they have a tendency to get one more biology than math… 

Sometimes adden one to another does equal three, especially when the rabbit dies…. And, they call it multiplication… go figure huh? Where I come from, they just call it hunten…. And what ya bag, ya gotta eat…

Then again, a bird in the hand is worth ------. Ok, I’m not going there…. I think this has gotten out of hand as it is, and don’t nobody need no eduaction in gardenen….

Until later.. Give what you are doing some thought…. It doesn’t cost anything and it may be worth your time and energy…. Besides, sense you don’t listen to anyone else anyway…. 

Maybe you need to start listening to yourself.

That inner voice you turned down low… Yeah, that one… I think it has something important to say.

You just might make more sense than what one has been hearing outside nowadays…

Sorrow Often Replaces Joy

“Sorrow often replaces joy but what replaces sorrow?

The Right Story......

"Deep inside emptiness grows…… Tomorrows light will find me well within my work and dusk will come before I return… Sometimes, I just grow tired and I wait for the energy to return……”

The return of the Eagle or the birth of the Phoenix…. In destruction comes rebirth; from out of the ash a diamond but not without fire and PRESSURE.

In this day of uncertainty, hard economic times and relationship instability, I often hear the cries of the damaged soul. Like the above JOURNAL entry, people tend to get lost in the “story” of despair and defeat. Yet, it is in their story that true healing takes place. The trick is to tell the “right” story.

So what is the “right” story?

The soul often becomes damaged from trauma; the Trauma of War, the Trauma of Life, the Trauma of Relationships or the Trauma of Family. We get stuck within the damage of the past and let it define our story of the present. The past can be as fresh as a few seconds ago….

It is in "how" we tell our Story that we define "who" we will be and in defining "who" we will be, we become "who" we are. It is therefore, a destiny of choice; the choice of a “story” and which "story" we will tell.

Your story and the manner in which you tell it, will define you…. I know, it is a difficult concept because it is a concept of accountability, not a concept of victimization. You are victimized once and that is by the specific deed. The depth of that victimization we hold within the “Story”.  The "story" we tell, which defines us. It is in the telling of that “story” we become and in becoming, we are relaeased.

We can “relive” the injustice that befall us and retell the “story” of our demise, or we can tell the “story” of how we fought through it and the strength of character and perseverance we developed from its journey. In that strength, we can find hope.  In that strength we can find a sense of purpose for the future.

Through the "story", we can find our true self.  Through the "story" we can find a deeper strength, not a defeatist attitude of failure and self destruction. It is within the “Story” we heal.

As with all “real” Warriors, the walk is not without its peril. It is dangerous to come face to face with you and know that true bravery does not come with the destruction of the enemy but with facing him head on and letting him know he is not in control of you…. The bravery is not in killing the enemy but in letting him live.

Native American Plains People use to have “rights” of passage. Becoming a Warrior was not in killing the enemy but in counting Coup; similar to a game of tag.

You face the danger and slap it in the face… You then tell your “story” around the campfire at night. You tell your "story" to your community. You don’t keep it hidden. Others share in your “story”. Your "story" is in how you faced your enemy and in facing him, defeated him. In turn, your community tells your "story" and your "story" supports you. You are transformed by the “story” you tell. Yes, your "story"; the "story" that will define you.

We are the makers and tellers of our story.

Is your story about self destruction, defeat, rejection or abuse? Or are they just markers in your story of rebirth, strength, purpose and character. Remember, we are the architects of our life and the tellers of our stories…. It is up to each of us to live it in a purposeful way. To do that, we have to tell our “story”. The “right” story.

As always, it’s a choice…. But we are already “Story Tellers”…… Maybe, it’s just the stories we choose to tell…

Be the director of your life. Tell your story and tell it with purpose. For it is in the “telling” of the story we heal and in the “story” that we become real. Don’t let life circumstances define who you are and who you will become.

I have made my choice… Have you made yours? Go ahead... Tell your story….  Make it the “right” story…. The story that shows who you really are and the person you have become….


Until next time…. The campfires are waiting….. There are songs to be sung and stories to be told…..

MadeOfGlass

Delicate and fragile or beautiful and resilient...

What do you think when you think of things “MadeOfGlass”?

 Does your mind trail off to “fragile stem ware” and “broken shards”? Or does it travel to reflective surfaces or exquisite, intricate pieces of art, which pull you deep inside its being and you find yourself lost within its pull and beauty?

I tend to “get lost”. Not that it is the “wrong thing” or even a “right thing”. It just is. Like a deep pool pulling one deeper into its womb, drawing one to a place where breath is dangerous, yet vital.

I have been accused of being a “romantic” at heart. I am not sure what that means. If it means I tend to looks for deep warm pools and languish in the reflective world of glass, then maybe I am. For “glass” takes all shapes and forms.

Its beauty comes not only from its form but also from its color and its ability to withstand heat. Forged from heat, it transforms into not only something functional but something beautiful as well. It is truly a “renewable resource”.

From a jar holding Cleopatra’s “asp”...  a vile holding the poison of a pact made from forlorn love… to the crystal carafe reflecting the hue of a well kept burgundy.   Its function, its form, its essence is truly remarkable and for that, I am truly grateful…

I think things MadeOfGlass are precious and should be held close, not to smother but to appreciate. Held too tightly... Well, you get the point…. Even beautiful things can make you bleed… 

Until later, this reservation recluse is not going to “blow glass” but I will appreciate it with “three fingers” of 14 year old scotch or a “shot” of good tequila”….

 As always, it is all in choices… and yes, the “beverage” is better sipped out of the “right” container… Then again, the container has merits all of its own… MadeOfGlass, go figure…

I have made mine.. Now go make yours….  Resilient or fragile...  The choice is yours...

Women and Dominant Men

Are they IN or are they OUT

Women and dominant men, do women like them or not?

Well, contrary to Pop Psychologists of today who advise men to take a dominant, aggressive role in relationships, a new study published in the journal Personal Relationships states; maybe not.

Their study revealed that most women prefer potential marriage partners for their prestige, not their dominance. mmm Interesting finding....  Prestige?  Might have difficulty spelling that.... 

"Men who are recognized by their peers for their skills, achievements and abilities; rather than men who use “coercive tactics” to subordinate their rivals, are seen as better potential mates."  Now that is a "big" statement with "hugh" implications...

Neither in Bed or the Business World: It appears, the only way women really like dominant coercive tactics is on the athletic field in the context of male-male athletic competitions.… at least that is what the studies indicate...

It appears women are highly sensitive to the context in which men display domineering/aggressive behaviors. This is especially true when these men are evaluated as long term "partner" material.  It makes a difference if one finds oneself drawn to Play or drawn to Marry.  These conditions appear to have  different sets of criteria.

Behaviors women found attractive on the athletic field and within athletic competitions were found unattractive, when displayed within interpersonal relationships. It was concluded that women avoid dominant, aggressive men, as long-term relationship partners, even though their arousal states may have been heightened.

Arousal and committment appear to be two different entities.  Hense, the different set of criteria.

It appears, what may draw interest in a short term, one night fling may not last a full term relationship.

This does not say that women are “turned off” by aggressive and dominant styles of men. The “Bad Boys” continue to get the girls. Ask any “good guy” and ask most any Girl. Bad Boys are attractive but women’s preference for dominance, directly decreases as their preference for prestige and a long term relationship increases.

As women’s search for mates or long-term relationships increase, women’s allure for aggressive, dominant males decreases…. So what was once attractive in dating becomes a turn off in a long-term relationship, where more stability and cooperative styles are appreciated.

While dominance is a positive characteristic and associated with confidence in power dating and the athletic field, it can and often is viewed as domineering and controlling within a long term relationship.   This leaves no room for dominance and aggression within marital bliss…..

These three studies, at two U.S. Universities, leave little doubt that what is an attractant and an arousal within some areas, does not readily cross over into the stability of long-term relationships. So guys, find that fine line between.... Macho and sensitive…. Aggressiveness and strength…. Dominance and domineering…. Assertiveness and controlling…. Subjugation and influence…

Women tend to like winners and men of confidence but how these men arrive there seem to make a significant difference in a womans choice for a mate.

Maybe the answer is in plain ole “respect”. If a guy is respected by his peers he is more than likely successful, committed and knows how to treat others appropriately…. Those skills are transferable, in a positive way, to long-term relationships. If he is coercive, subjugating, domineering and aggressive; winning at all cost, then these are looked at as negative transferring traits. Something most women appear attracted to in short term encounters but  avoid in looking for long term relatinships...…..

So what may have been the best sex ever, last night, may not develop into anything more than a one night stand?

What is the moral off this story…? Well, it just might be that a little salt goes a long way…. Or just because you liked it for desert, does not mean you want it for dinner….. Or one punch doesn’t mean a knock out….. Then again for some, maybe it does?

Ok, I know… the choice is really yours…. And you’re correct, not all studies are “right”. But give it some thought…

Could this be the answer to why he was once the “apple of your eye” and now the “rotten apple” at the bottom of the barrel? Could this be “why” women see the potential in men and often overlook who they really are? Why they are attracted to the aggressive style at the arousal state with the hope he will modify it into the skills and assets he needs to succeed at being a partner, father and stable lover.

Attraction is a personal challenge...

What attracts one, may not attract another but maybe, there are some fundamental rules and this may be one of them... Give it some thought… What do you think…? Does it hold water from your experience? Let me know...

But take heed. No woman likes a loser. They just don’t like CONTROLERS.


We all have a story to tell…. What’s YOURS?

Until next time…. Are you looking for a partner or a good time… can you have both? If so, what is your receipt for success? What was your receipt for disaster…?

This Reservation Recluse is heading for the Teepee… Life is way too complicated. Either that or I will be on the back of that HOG I have sitting outside….

So until later….  Thank "God" for relationships... What would we do without them?

Ok, that’s another story for yet another time…. At least ANOTHER MOOD.

A Million Dollar Plan

Yes, it’s true; another day and NOT SO another dollar! It seems that no matter what you do the behinder you get and playing catch-up is not all that fun.

The dollar you make today has a difficult time giving you 80 cents tomorrow and somewhere in the back of your mind you question if it is really worth it. The entire struggle that is…. If you are struggling today, then what is going to make the difference in “not having to struggle” tomorrow? Ok, I know --- tomorrow never comes so you’re just stuck in a revolving door of today. That’s Ok if it is where you want to be. Its crises management and sometimes that can translate into day to day living; the daily grind of existing but not the excitement of building and growth.

We can all find various explanations for why it is and they are as varied as snowflakes in a Winters Storm. We can also identify what it is NOT. It is not managing change as we have talked about earlier nor is it desire for something different, such as a more stable financial future. It may be HOPE but it is not DESIRE. Similar yes, but different.

Reduced to its essence, HOPE is something we project as we wait for someone else to make it different. DESIRE is something we project but are moved into to doing something ourselves. Desire creates energy for change. Hope accepts where we are and wishes for something else. One is “proactive” and the other “inactive”…. I know, it doesn’t seem like it but it is true. While in a “crises” state we are busy reacting to what life throws our way. We are not “desiring” something different but “hoping” what is happening will not crush us. Until we get our mind focused and switch thought processes we continue to stay in the pattern, the rut and HOPE things will be different tomorrow. We do nothing about managing “change” today. We hock what we got yesterday in the HOPES of it being better tomorrow and put our energy into wishing for the Lottery to break our way. We get ourselves in deeper debt by hoping for a better tomorrow but in reality do nothing to change the pattern we find ourselves in today. We try so hard to cover our ASS and in turn lose our ASSETS.

Ok, I know I am being a little hard here. Yet, all it takes is a little infusion of DESIRE and your future changes. Not right away but through DESIRE one gets the strength to do what it takes, not what is HOPED for… or just wanted.

So how does this play out in real life…. Well, how about the Desire to retire at age 65 with $1,000,000.00. You can HOPE. Hope that Great Aunt Hilda leaves you the inheritance, or hope you win the lottery or hope you meet someone who will share their financial freedom with you or hope it will someday get better or you can, through desire build a plan and sick with it. A workable plan... A plan is proactive and it is about implementing “change”. Remember, if you continue to do the same things today as you did yesterday you will get exactly where you are.

So, a million dollar plan? Here is an example. NO, I can’t take credit for it but it is sound advice.


SAVING A MILLION DOLLARS STARTING AT AGE 25

You've JUST STARTED and Saved: $0 – Not much different than most of the population only you have STARTED.

To reach one million by age 65 you need to save $286 per month.

Ask yourself is it a DESIRE, a HOPE, or just a want? One of those three words will drive your actions, or inaction.

So what about Successful Savings Strategies

You're just starting your career and getting a hold of your life, so this is your chance to build a solid financial foundation. Time is on your side. Use it to your advantage.

Your first goal is to contribute enough money to your company 401(k) plan to capture your employer match. If you don't have a retirement plan at work, fund an IRA. The key is to START NOW!

You'll be investing for 30 years or more, so you can afford to keep 100% of your account in stocks.

Pay down credit cards and other high-interest debt. If you don’t have any debt GREAT! But if you do, pay it down. That will free up money to save for a house but remember a house should not be your only investment as you will always need a place to live.

Set up an emergency fund. This fund should equal three to six months of your take-home pay. Place it in a readily accessible account in an online bank that pays interest of 4% or more. Like an “Orange” account.

If you are married, look at putting the lower income away for savings and investment. Many times this is not possible but if it is do it. It will pay huge dividends in the future and worth the sacrifice.

SAVING A MILLION DOLLARS STARTING AT AGE 35

Life as got in the way and you have still Saved: 0$ - More difficult but still manageable.To reach one million dollars by age 65, you need to save $671 per month.

A little tough but still doable…. DESIRE, HOPE, or want?

If You've Already Saved: $50,000

To reach one million dollars by age 65, you need to save $304 per month.

This is better yet as you have dollars working for you already. You have been proactive, made good choices and are looking towards your future.

Successful Savings Strategies

You may be starting a family or preparing to buy a home. Balance you short-term needs with long-term savings goals. Here you have to differentiate between needs and wants. This is easier said than done and how do they support your long term GOAL? Or do they?

Although you have added responsibilities, don't neglect retirement. Responsibilities don’t have to mean “crises”. Remember to “manage change” not get caught up in “controlling process”.

Aim to save 15% of your gross income (including an employer match in your 401(k). If one parent leaves work to care for the kids, consider opening a spousal IRA.

Shift your assets to 90% stocks and 10% bonds.

Invest in a 529 college-savings plan. Many states offer a tax deduction for your contribution, and qualified distributions are exempt from federal taxes.

SAVING A MILLION DOLLARS STARTINGAT AGE 45

You've Saved: 0$

To reach one million by age 65 you need to save $1,698 per month. This is tougher as time is not on your side; consequently you have to invest more.

If You've Saved: $50,000

To reach one million by age 65 you need to save $1298 per month.

If You've Saved: $100,000 To reach one million by age 65 you need to save $861 per month. As you can see the more you have saved in the past the less you have to invest now.

Successful Savings Strategies

You may be juggling the needs of a growing family and aging parents, but don't take a break from retirement savings. Now is not the time to “manage processes”. They take the focus away from your GOAL.

You can contribute up to $15,500 to a 401(k) or similar workplace-based retirement plan this year or $5,000 to an IRA. Roll over retirement savings from previous jobs into an IRA.

Adjust your asset allocation to 80% stocks and 20% bonds.

Your kids can get grants or loans for college, but there's no financial aid for your retirement. Don't put your kids' college costs ahead of retirement.

SAVING A MILLION DOLLARS STARTING AT AGE 55

You've Saved: 0$ To reach YOUR one million dollar goal by age 65 you need to save $5,466 per month. Now that is quite a chunk of change but lets say you have already saved $200,000.00 and you have wanted to slide out of your family business to reduce stress and retire early. $200.000 now will not let you retire comfortably for 20 more years. Yet, working for 10 more years and saving around $3,000.00 a month will reach your million dollar goal…

If You've Already Saved: $50,000

To reach your one million dollar goal by age 65, you need to save $4,859 per month.

If You've Already Saved: $100,000

To reach your one million dollar goal by age 65, you need to save $4,253 per month.

If You've Successfully Saved: $200,000

To reach your one million dollar goal by age 65, you need to save $3,040 per month.

Successful Savings Strategies

Take advantage of your peak earning years to top off your savings. Don’t blow it, use it.

Add an extra $5,000 in catch-up contributions to your 401(k) savings and an extra $1,000 to your IRA.

As you near closer to retirement, reallocate your portfolio to 70% stocks and 30% bonds.

Now is the time to estimate your retirement expenses and your projected income. If you're coming up short, consider working a few more years.

It is all about DESIRE, HOPE or want…..

Yes, I do understand that for many this is a concept that seems too far in the future and way too BIG. Yet, if taken a little a time and with the infusion of DESIRE, you can DO anything! All it takes is CHANGE, the DESIRE to dream and the WILL to DO.

Ok, its here I say it’s a choice. It really is….. even the $1,000,000.00 and it is all about change. Sounds like a political speech doesn’t it? Yet, I am not talking about the HOPE for change or even change bringing about HOPE. I am talking about the action and responsibility of DESIRE; the motivator of activity; the energy behind taking that step toward reaching for that STAR. It’s all about walking the walk and paying the price of admission. It’s about showing up for practice and walking onto the field to play the game. It’s about being the best you DESIRE to be. It is about making a plan so big that it will scare you and sticking to it. It’s about excellence not perfection. It’s about YOU. Now go out and make your Choice. I’ve made mine…. Don’t you think it’s time to make yours?

Until later…. Walk with your head high and carry a big stick… There are others out there who don’t want you to succeed….

If Words Could Heal...

Would YOU?

Now that’s a concept isn’t it?

We all know how destructive words can be. How quickly they penetrate the heart and how sometimes they travel right into the soul.

Words, as we all know, can be very damaging. Yet, we seem to let them run around unfettered and unsupervised.

We often pay little attention to words and their affects on others or ourselves. When attention is paid, it is because we somehow felt the effects of the attack while words were hurled misguided and unsupervised. “Ouch”! We then brace for the next barrage and try and protect ourselves the best we can; often in a misguided attack of our own.

Minimally we retreat trying to get as much distance from the “sting” as we can…..

Yes, we all know the damage words can cause but what if they could heal? How many times would you tell someone “I Love You”? How many times would you tell someone you appreciate them or how important they are to you, in both big and small ways?

How many times would you acknowledge someone’s presence with a simple “Hello, It’s good to see you.” Or how many “Thank You’s” would you give out during the day if you really knew and understood those words could heal.

That they could heal both the giver and receiver?

Yes, we all know the damage words can cause but what about the silence that often drives the words with a vengeance; the silence which is deafening, while the words penetrate the soul.

If words could heal would you use them to break the bonds of silence which isolates us from others and ourselves?

If words could heal would you use them? Or would you be afraid they may be misunderstood or maybe commit you to something you are not committed to do. If words could heal, would you become a Healer? Would you heal only those close to you? Would you heal only those who asked to be healed?

If words could heal, would you heal yourself? If words could heal would you use them once or would you use them over and over again? If words could heal would you take the oath to “do no harm”?

If words could heal; MMMMM, what do you think? Is it worth the effort to try?

Just for today pay attention to what you think and what you say…. You also may want to make an honest attempt to better someone’s life with an encouraging word, an acknowledgement of their presence, an expression of appreciation and validation of just being who they are….

Go ahead; tell someone you love how much you care and how important they are to you. Tell someone who challenges you something good about themselves and their importance in just being who they are.

I know, it’s a risk and you might “feel” awkward but what do you have to lose; your sense of isolation, your bad feeling?

Try today to be a Healer of Words. You may be surprised at what you find and what you experience. Make today the day you understand the importance of what you say and what you think. Make today the day you understand your importance and place in the scheme of things; that to make a difference may start with a single word.

As always, the choice is yours…… I’ve made mine….. Isn’t it time to make yours?

“The Journey begins; a simple path but a decision of significant consequence.”

If words could heal?  Would YOU?

Ride Hard - Live Strong!

The Warrior Within

Ride Hard, Live Strong.

Know the difference between compassion and weakness. Strength does not come from the hardness others see but from the vulnerability within.

A Cowboys Code; maybe, then maybe not? Ideals I have heard since I was a youngster tearing up the hills on a Northern Montana Indian Reservation. It did not matter if my ride was flesh and blood or cold steel. The mantra was the same. Something I have taken with me ever since; whether from the back of a Spirited Mustang, the seat of Harley Davidson or the arms of a Leathered Office Chair.

It is a story about risk, decision and passion. It is a story about inner strength and outer focus. It is a story built on the pillars of history and the vision of the future. It is a story about living in the here and now through the eyes of a warrior.

We are all warriors or should be!

We fight battles daily. We fight to maintain our economic position or to enhance our credibility with those around us. We fight to maintain the dignity of our individualism, as well as our family. We fight, daily, not to lose ourselves to the apathy of others who believe they are entitled to what we have worked hard for. Be it position, money or relationships.

We fight daily, to keep food on the table, gas in our cars and predators away from our children. We fight daily, to gain an education, to maintain our jobs, keep our homes and as we grow older; we fight, to keep a retirement that seems to be stolen from us by a system that has no soul.

Yes, we are all warriors; as well it should be; warriors to fight for an ideal with passion and personal commitment. To Ride Hard, and Live Strong, knowing the difference between compassion and weakness. We know that true strength does not come from Hardness but from our Vulnerability to care and take personal Responsibility and Accountability.

In this day and age of uncertainty, we need to use this vulnerability to develop strength and push forward to gain what is rightfully ours. It is a time to model what it is we want and fight for what is right. It is our time. It is YOUR time. It is the destiny of WARRIORS to rise up and take a stand….

Courage comes from within, as it is a true brother to fear. The obstacle doesn’t matter, as it is a personal choice of engagement, an engagement of life; a fight for integrity and dignity of the human spirit.

In times of disillusionment, it is a choice to gain and maintain vision. It is a time to gain a warriors heart and fight for what is your true desire. To fight for what is truly important to you. A time to identify what it is you want. It is a time to envision your dreams and a time to fight for your passion.

Again, it is a choice. It’s your choice. It’s my choice…. I have made mine.  Is it time to make yours…?.

Can you find that Warrior within? The choice is easier than the path… Yet, in my world it is a choice well worth taken…. And remember,

Ride hard, live strong. Know the difference between compassion and weakness, for Strength does not come from the hardness others see but from the vulnerability within.

Until next time, this Reservation Recluse says so long…. Take a deep seat, keep your vision focused and your powder dry.. One never knows what is coming up just around the next bend….

Life Works!

Life Works - Sometimes It doesn’t…. Then Fix It…

Or No Matter Where You Go .. There You Are....

“What I’ve done and where I have been makes me into who I am but what I do today shapes who I will become.”

Are we worth it? I happen to believe we are…. Life Works!

Yes, I too believe that life throws us curve balls and sometimes we get one thrown straight to the head. That does not mean life doesn’t work. It only says we have some decisions to make and sometimes that decision is to get out of the way….

OK, sometimes we may move right into the path of a speeding bullet and yes, sometimes, Bad Things Do Happen To Good People. There is even a book with that title… It is a little about people and a lot about faith…. Check it out. Faith works too...

Who told you that in order for life to work you have to have all things your way, all of the time? And is Faith the same as Hope? Or is it a couple of steps beyond hope and more into the realm of DO? Faith cashes the check at the bank and it is predicated on action and belief… Ok, I’m being just a little unfair - but just part of the time… Unfair that is…

I am not saying life does not have its rough spots or that everything is all “roses and sunshine”. I am saying “life works” and it is up to us to “work it”.

People do not always do the “right” thing. What may be “right” for others may definitely be "wrong" for you… It is not up to others to make it “right” for YOU. It is up to YOU to make the decision if “all” is right for your world.

Whether it is in a relationship, a job or just hanging around with friends, it is up to YOU to make it work for YOU; not someone else.

It is about knowing yourself, setting boundaries, living your life to its fullest everyday and not critiquing others. Just because life, in its present state, does not set right with you, it does not mean others are wrong, wicked, evil, or vile. It might mean you are not paying enough attention to you, your needs and your responsibilities…

Too often, we wait for someone else to fill the hole we have developed ourselves… While waiting for that need to be fulfilled, the hole gets bigger. We start to become bitter and angry. We become caustic, finding fault with everyone around us; demanding others meet our standards. Consequently, we push people way while fighting with our own shadows.

Living life to the fullest means making decisions for YOURSELF, every day:

It means taking responsibility for YOU. It means identifying and setting one’s own boundaries without blaming others for not meeting your standards or for not being who you want them to be. It means doing what you need to do every day. It means you are not waiting around for someone else to change…

It means grabbing the brass ring, which is in front of you, and leaving the parasites behind. It means developing confidence in you by taking responsibility for your thoughts, your actions and your beliefs… It means taking that step towards your future, even when faced with fear and insecurity.

It means doing what you have to do to make LIFE work.

To do this, you need to keep your hand on the helm. You need to sail a Steady and True course. The problem is, we often expect clear skies and calm waters. We become afraid of the swells. Even the current frightens us, so we wait…

Eventually, we forget what we are waiting for. We only know we are not satisfied and that dissatisfaction builds upon itself. It grows exponentially and eventually, all we have in the bank is a $1,000,000.00 worth of misery…

It is easy to sit and watch life pass by. It is easy to build upon the negative of what we don’t have. It is easy to focus on how hard everything is or how unfair the world has become. It is easy to focus on how disrespectful someone else is and how that someone degrades others and us. It is easy to be victimized when we do so well at playing the victim….

It is difficult to look in the mirror, only to find the person who is victimizing you may be you.

Sometime today, take time to take a good look in the mirror... Whom do you see? Do you like the person who is looking back? Are you an accumulation of all that has happened in the past or are you a product of all that you are doing today?

You cannot change the past but today is YOURS and it builds a strong foundation on tomorrow. 
“There is HOPE in the future if there is Will today.”

It’s all about choice and the choice is YOURS… Can you make the decision to leave all the negativity behind? Will you start today? It does not matter what IT is, the formula and steps are the same….

As some ole Cowboy has already said, “It’s not the cards you have been dealt that matters, it’s how you play your hand.”

As always, it’s a choice… I’ve made mine… Will you make yours? You may find that, “It’s never too late to start, nor too early to change directions.” Something, General Custer should have said at the Little Big Horn…

I think it’s time for this Reservation Recluse to refocus and regroup. Is it time for YOU? Maybe it is. Your future awaits and your presents beacons…

Until next time, a cowboy lament…. “As you take a step into the saddle, listen for the jingle of the spurs while you burn up the prairie miles… It will keep you company and give you solace, knowing your “ass” is deep in the saddle”…

It’s all about the journey… “Life Works”

A Time To Reflect, A Time To Develop, A Time To Become

Or Stories, The Basis Of Who We Are.

As many of you know, I have asked for input from these writings.

You have responded and I truly appreciate the variety of responses I have gotten. Many have been reflective. Some have been instructive but I found the following to be most compelling .

I often talk about Thriving rather than just Surviving and the importance of telling ones STORY. The following falls into that category.  Story telling.......

The healing aspect of one’s story develops as it is told, confronted and internalized; while doing so, gaining strength from its telling.

One young woman asked, “But how do we know what the "right" story is?  And we, who are victimized by depression and rejection, often wonder if we even have a story!"  She continued, “Warriors are ones who are brave, courageous, and winners of the game! You say were all Warriors in some way! But how am I a Warrior, if instead of  defeating the game... The game always defeats me?!”

She asks a relevant question.  A question many ask as life and situations develop; contrary to what the individual intended or how they desired them to be.

We focus on acquirement, whether be it things, destinations, relationships, or even emotional continence. In doing so the game conquers, leaving us defeated. It is difficult to remember; it is not in the “game” but in the “story” that one Thrives…

Yes, everyone has a story and yes, everyone is a Warrior but a Warrior is not always traditional in bravery and courage... most of the time a Warrior is frightened as hell but does the "right" thing at the “right” time... and in that, tells the "right" story...

It is in the Story that one is defeated by the game or not.  It is in the Story, one Thrives. The Story of struggle and the gain, instead of the Story of defeat and despair.... We frame who we are around the "Stories" we tell... and in turn, our “Stories” define us.

I am not talking about any “Story”. I am not talking about fleeting fantasies. I am not talking about “Stories” you want one moment and are gone the next. I am not talking about a Friday Night pick up at the local bar.

I am talking about developing “Who” you are and “How” you frames your stature. I am talking about your Story.  Your life!

It is important that your story is "truthful".  The truth is necessary to gain the strength needed to put you on top of the struggle. In that sense, it does not matter if you find yourself on TOP of the heap. It is the struggle, not the heap that matters...  It is all in the "story".

The “real” story is in defining the “Who” rather than the “What”.

In the midst of the Reservation, the elders use to talk about the “Walk Of The Warrior”; in that, the Story was always told and from the Story, “Healing”. It did not matter “What” happened or "What" circumstance befell you, it mattered “Who” you were and "Who" you were to become.  You gained strength from the “Story” and that, ever changing, was in one’s own power and destiny to control.

You were given a new name in the celebration of your Story and your becoming ONE. It was powerful in  “old ways and traditions”. It remains powerful today. It was in the “Story” one became.  It was in the "Story" one healed and in that, becoming defined.

The past no longer defining, “Who” you were.  The past no longer defining “Who” you were to become.

It is in the "becoming" we thrive...  It is in "thriving" we become real...

The real you is what's left when all the "pulling" voices go away; the voices from peers, media, and dysfunctional family rules. It is from that inner beauty and strength we gain our compassion and energy to continue... It is in the Story of the “circumstances” and the "struggle" that we gain strength.

In these days of uncertainty, economical strife and emotional devastation, we all need to find our “story” and we need to tell it…. Instead, we are often pulled to tell the story of  circumstance. The story of loss and despair.  In doing so, we are defeated. We create a self-fulfilling prophecy of struggle with no end, then defeat. 

We focus on the what, rather than the how and forcus on what was rather than how it can be...  It is here we give into the "victim".  Losing our strength, we build a prison of dispair and a loss of hope....  We bcome what was, rather than what will be....

Now, more than ever, we need the strength that telling “ones story” can bring. Not just the circumstance. I understand, it is a fine line…. The perception of a cup half-full or half-empty but the truth is, you have the power to tell your story. You have the power to view from a different point... You may even have the duty to do it.

I know you have the strength….

So now, as usual, you have a choice to make…. Maybe, you already have and maybe, you have been telling your story for some time. If you have, you understand what I am talking about. If not, give it a try. I believe you will find your “story” and its strength worth your while.

Until next time…. As you find yourself sitting around the campfire, the night air crisp and stars bright, remember not all things that live in the night are to be afraid of and remember, most fear is bred out of uncertainty and distorted “stories”.


We all have a story to tell…. Isn’t it time to tell yours.  Isn't it time to believe in YOU?

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

What seems like the End, could be a whole new Journey!

What happens when you are no longer the desire of his affections or he is no longer the flame that warms your heart?

Do you see yourself on the couch eating ice-cream and watching sad movies or do you take that old adage that in order to get over a bad relationship you have to get under a good man? 

No matter what... As an oldie but goldie use to say, “Breaking Up Is hard To Do”.


Let’s face it. Starting over is hard and it hurts.

It doesn’t matter if you were the dumpie or the dumpor, it is an emotional roller coaster ride. It’s something we all go through but it is something we never really expect. We find ourselves looking critically at ourselves, wondering what really happened and where it all went wrong. And in reality, it wasn’t all wrong. It just IS, now.

Blaming others doesn’t work and blaming ourselves doesn’t help. What we do know is that we will heal... We all do. It just doesn’t feel that way, at least not at the moment.

Telling one to “just get over it” doesn’t work either. So what does one do?

One of the most difficult things to do is to stay away from him. Yes, you heard me right. Stay away from him. Now is not the time to be friends or try to stay connected. As women, you have that internal need to make things right and soothe troubled times…

You have that basic need to nurture, where we as males have a tendency to eat our young in order to breed.

Ok, it’s not a good trait but it is true. You may want to soothe and nurture but we want to breed. It’s not a good time to connect, even for one last time. Also, remember, guys are not friends with women they are not attracted to, so being friends with your guy you use to wake up next to is not in your best interest. Trust me….

You think that by being friends, it will either ease your pain or mend your guilt. It will do neither. It only keeps the wound open. In addition, NO, you won’t get over him but you will get past him. Getting over him implies your feelings were not real but that is one thing you do know. Your feelings were real and they are intense, no matter who orchestrated the break-up.

If only they would be a little less real! We can’t do anything about reality but we can do something about intensity.

One of the first things you have to do is reach out and connect with your friends; no, not to rehash the past and moan about the future but to live in the present. To celebrate your life and their friendship….

It is time to reconnect. Reconnect with life. When you find yourself forlorn and tearful while listening to an old song or going to a favorite “our” place, do the V8 head slap.

Wake-up Girl! What are you thinkin… Yes, I know what you’re feeling but WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!

You need to find other connections to old songs and old places…. You can’t run away from them but you can reframe them…. You can recondition old memories and make new ones. Don’t make connections where they are none.

Yes, there were connections but they are no longer. It’s time to make new ones and you can’t do that by having your head somewhere in the past. You can’t take away the pain in your heart by sticking your head somewhere in a time long, long ago…. In a time long, long ago makes for good fairytales and movie trailers but it has no place for healing broken relationships or mending shattered hearts.

The way you heal is to take time for you. It’s now time to make you as important as you had made him… Take some time to be alone and reflect on you. Work through your feelings, identifying what went wrong. Being aware of the affects this relationship has had and has, on all parts of your life. Then, work on accepting what is, rather than fighting for what once was or feeling sorry for what could have been.

Acceptance isn’t liking. You don’t have to like it! You don’t have to hate it! You just have to bring it as close to neutral as you can. You need to accomplish this before you can move forward and he can become someone of the past.

It’s time to be your best friend. Best friends reward each other. Treat yourself. Pamper yourself and celebrate you. You will soon find you are working through the pain and away from him. He will become someone who helped you become the person you are. The woman you never doubted and the person you knew you always were.

No, we guys are not Immune to breakups but we handle them differently. In this day and age of political correctness I am remise to say that gender still makes a difference. We often walk the same “path” but we are on different “roads”. Understanding this can make a huge difference in not what we do, but how we do it and how we recover from those “life growth experiences”.

Until next time…. Remember it is still a choice…. Hold on to the past or walk into the future. The choice is yours but remember, it hurts. It’s supposed to. If it doesn’t, it wasn’t real.

This too shall pass. It just can’t be avoided.

Relationships! Understanding!

They are two confusing words. 

Have you ever had your past meet you head on as you turn a corner? It blindsides you with a vengeance. The present and the past converging, taking the same space at the same time.  The mix of memories and emotion pulling you into feeling states you thought you had either lost or forgotten.  

Fair? No! But maybe necessary... 

I am sure you have experienced this, with either a past relationship or experience..  We all blend life.  Being prepared for it is something else.  The passion and intensity we feel can be just as explosive now, as it was then.  We have no filters in place, and the ones we use to use are no longer viable.   It floods ones existence. Consequently, we have no protection... 

Does that mean we are at risk?  Does that mean we need protection?  I think not...  I believe our strength can come through our vulnerability.  It can come from facing life rather than protecting ourself for it.  It can come from engaging rather than withdrawing...  But it does come with a price... 

The price? YOU!  The challenge is  to accept the reality of today, with the reality of yesterday..  Neither one replacing the other but converging, giving strength and recognition to who you are and who you need to be....   With some understanding of who you were.  It is funny how the present can shed light on the past, if given the opportunity.  At times, it can even give it meaning...

We often look at our past and question the reality of what was.  We Question what might have been or could have been.  We question how it will affect where we are or where we may be heading...  It can shake the foundation of our protected world.  But protected from what?

We seem to play this dance, be it with something of danger or someone of solace...  Something of regret or someone of passion...  Something than gave meaning to our life or someone we  barely survived...  We don't seem to differentiate between them.  We see them through the same filter...

So, is it fair to look at today through the filter of yesterday?  Is it fair to protect today from yesterday and therefore distort the possibility of tomorrow?  I am not sure I have the answer to these questions but I believe they are worth the time and contemplation. 

I find that if given the chance, finding that yesterday was real can help one not question today..  Sometimes,  we just need a little help from the past to nudge us out of the protection and complacency of today, into the possibility of the future.

I believe it is ok to take a risk.  It is ok to challenge where you are and how you got there.  It is ok to embrace your past with the arms of the present..  Only then can you really find the significance of what has made you who you are today..  And that my friend, is not all bad... 

We don't all get this chance , so if we  do, it is  important to recognize the opportunity and embrace it...  We don't have to be afraid...  It will not consume us...  But, it just may give us understanding into relationships that were never really  given the opportunity to become.....

In that, well, we find a freedom.  A freedom of the spirit and a key that unlocks the confusion of the past..

So, is it  time to make a decision?...  To make a choice?...  I've made mine.... Have you made yours...?  There are no wrong choices, only ones we have to live by...

I believe it is worth the risk...  The risk to take the road less travels..  The road left unexplored.  That road is you....

Until next time...  Throw away that map..  It just might be outdated...   What have you to lose?  What might you gain ?...  The loss of fear...  As my hand finds the safety of my pocket, my fingers tremble with anticipation..

If the  present is the mixture of yesterday, merged with the essence of today, building the foundation of tomorrow...  Then, shouldn't we be fully active today?

Slowly my hand emerges, my fingers relax.  My palm reaches out.  Will yours?