We Must Change

One thing is certain… Nothing is ever like it was. That means no matter how we feel or what we do, change is the only constant we have and it is evolving faster than it ever has before.

In an age where we change relationships like we do a pair of pants and where the best thing your new employer can offer you is that you will leave your present job with more knowledge than you came into it with is no comforting thought. Or is it?

Today’s Colleges and University’s are training individuals for JOBS and CAREERS that were not even in existence 10 years ago and may not even be a thought today. Longevity in a JOB has a half life less than the $2.45 per gallon you use to put into your car. True, you can not count on circumstance but maybe you can count on YOU. Remember last week when we talked about LEADERS managing CHANGE? That is one thing that has not changed, ever!

Now, what does this mean? Does it mean the same to Corporate Finance as it does to you and me? The answer is YES. In the Corporate world it is about RESEARCH and DEVELOPMENT. They understand that CHANGE is inevitable and to be on the cutting edge they DEFINE and MANAGE this change. If they do it well, they are extremely profitable… Their business GROWS; their productivity increases and their products meet the needs of their consumers…. The car that FORD developed at the turn of the century is no where near the Hybred produced today. LEADERS manage change... the same lies with YOU.

I know, it is not a comforting thought that you and you alone are responsible for your life and that you and you alone hold the only true accountability for your existence. That what you may have thought was a Right is in reality a Privilege and this privilege does not come without a price. The price? Your accountability, your responsibility and your energy…

It is not the time to wait for someone else to make it RIGHT. To wait for someone else to go the distance and to do all that it takes for you to reach YOUR goal. Ok, so entitlement isn’t your issue and you have not been just sitting on the sidelines. More than likely you have been trying to “control process”. That means you are in a “crises” state. Sadly to say, when you get good at managing Crises, the only thing you mange to do is Crises. Does this have a familiar ring?

If you really want to embrace the constant of CHANGE then you can not do it like you have been doing it; that is more of the same. True, it’s comfortable. It’s minimal risk. It’s also a wish in one hand and a pile of ----- in the other… Ok, you know what I mean… Like a successful business, you have to be concerned with DEVELOPMENT; Your development, Your vision, Your life and Your future….

I know, it is not the right time, nor the right place, you may not even be the right person… You may need to drop 20 pounds, or you may need to get past the relationship that just turned into a pair of LEVI’S or you may be “waiting for that perfect moment”. I hate to tell you, that PERFECT moment will not come. If you wait, you will continue to manage crises and fall victim to the whims of circumstance. Too little money, too little time, not enough love, not enough respect, not the right job, not the right car. The list goes on and the list is endless.

What ever happened to idealism and commitment? What ever happened to identifying a goal based on a huge vision, and passion? What ever happened to Excitement? What ever happened to doing all that is necessary to reach that dream? What ever happened to doing ALL that it takes? What has happened to fulfilling YOUR vision rather than managing someone else’s Crises. Life throws many things our way and not all of it is good but what has happened to the belief that how we handle it produces character and what we do with it produces success?

Start by being both responsible and accountable for YOUR life. Make a stand! I understand that it is difficult in this “wishy washy” time of political correctness but have the guts to dream again and develop a vision that scares the Hell right out of you; a vision worthy of your fear and worthy of your commitment. If not, you will become responsible and accountable for all the “crap” that is thrown your way. You will become reactionary to situations and only find solace in the small time given you while Life “reloads”.

I know, maybe I have more faith and courage in your convictions than you do. I am not asking you to have either faith, courage o r conviction. I am asking you to dream, to reach outside of yourself and be all that you can be and ever wanted to be. To be the best Dad, the best Mom, the best Son or best Daughter you can be. The other bests are just choices. Roles we play while developing who we are and where we are headed.

When becoming a leader of your own life it is best to start with something you know.

The world is ever changing and our role is more vital now than it ever has been. We can embrace this change as the Oak stands against the wind. Its secret lies in its strength and ability to bend. It changes ever so slightly its position yet stands firmly upon its conviction. As with the changing of the seasons, change brings with it life to the world. As our world changes so must we…. As Individuals we must manage that change. We must be the leaders of this time and not fall into just controlling its processes. When we just adjust we do not thrive and when we do not thrive we do not survive. It is a day to day struggle and you are important.

I know, it’s all about choices…. and yes, I have made mine…. It’s your turn to make yours…. The opportunity is now, the responsibility? YOURS! Now go be accountable….

“We must be the change we see in the world” – Mahatma Gandhi

Survival Gear and Thrival Mode

In this day and age of threatened recessions and devalued dollars, we often fall into our survival modes instead of hopping into our “thrival” gear. We seem to focus on what we can’t do instead of what we need to do or what we can do. We forget that the way “out” of peril is through a well developed plan and consistent follow through.

It’s not about what we want that we can’t have and it’s not about reacting to all the “crap” life throws our way. It’s about doing what we need to do, to get to where we want to be. It’s about the bottom line of our integrity and our character. It’s about style. It’s about grace. It’s about taking responsibility for our own lives without the “whine” and doing something about our own “condition”. If you believe this, then you may just be ready for the rest of what I have to say.

One of the first things a person must do when they find themselves in a HOLE is to STOP digging. I know, that sounds simple but it is more difficult than it sounds. One often finds a shovel in one hand and a bucket of crap in the other. Not knowing what to do next, one just sits down in the bucket of crap… So what is the next real step?

The next step is to develop a plan and in this day and age the foundation of that plan is a workable budget. Yes, you heard me correctly, a budget… Now don’t get your tail all knotted up and don’t tell me you don’t make enough money to have a budget. A budget is simply a plan to spend your money and organize your life... It doesn’t matter if you have a lot of money or if you have just a little. You can even budget your time….. It just is a method to put you in control of YOU. The only thing you can’t budget is “other people”.

Ok, so you’ve tried it before and failed. Well, maybe that was because it was someone else’s budget; someone else’s plan for you. Remember, you can’t budget someone else's time or money and someone else’s budget will not work for YOU. As with most everything else, your budget needs to be personalized for YOU and it starts by assessing what money YOU have to work with each month. No, not a projection of what could be but an honest projection of what is.

So what’s the first step? You’re right… Write down how much money you take in every month. This is what many in the financial market call an “accurate income projection”. I call it looking at your pay stub and writing it down. After you have successfully accomplished this, you need to develop categories that actually fit your own situation. Categories that accurately reflect your own spending habits, not some projection someone got out of a book someplace, somewhere in time.

Next, you have to fine tune these categories so they give you a meaningful picture of what is happening to your money. Where does it all go? Is there any place you feel you can cut some corners or cuts costs? Now don’t get too carried away with detail or you will quickly give it all up. It will become a chore instead of a tool and a chore you will quickly tire of.

Now that you have identified what happens to your money, it’s time to look at expenditures that seem to just come up and slap you along side of the head, like car maintenance, insurance and taxes. You get my point. Things that you know are going to be there but you really don’t plan for and they seem to take you by surprise all the time.

Once this is accomplished, you have to review these categories on a regular basis and determine if they are meeting your needs. Do you need to add more categories or do you need to take some categories away? This is the time to review your expenses and look at ways to trim costs in each category... Remember, you are looking at categories instead of money and seeing what money you have will fit what categories….

After you have completed this, you may find that one category you haven’t addressed is “cash”. Cash disappears very quickly and is not easily tracked. So what does this mean? Yes, you need to write everything down, how much and what it was. Remember your budget isn’t there to tell you what not to do, it is there to help YOU track what YOU are doing and what YOU need to do to make things work for YOUR goals and YOUR future.

A category many forget or feel just isn’t necessary is “savings”. This just isn’t true. You need a line item for savings and you need to adjust payment in the same manner as you would a monthly bill by a creditor.

Last but not least is something most of us never do. This is writing realistic goals for yourself. This is what the whole budget is about. It’s not about tracking what you spend as much as it is setting financial goals that will enable you to buy a house, purchase a new car, go on vacation, retire at 55, get married or have money for your children’s education. Without direction and needs, a budget is just a restriction and we fight it as such.

A budget gives you awareness and it gives you freedom. It puts YOU in control of YOU. It lets you know what you have to do. It gives you the method to reach your dreams and it gives you security. It also identifies patterns you may not have been aware of before and that can be easily adjusted or taken care of once they are identified. It’s a tool that allows you to take active responsibility for your life, as it increases internal motivation and helps create a positive attitude.

Now that you have a Personalized Budget and you are driving your finances rather than them driving you; how do you go from survive to thrive? I know, it has been sink or swim for some time but as we have come to understand these past few weeks, it doesn’t have to be. Here are four surefire activities to get you on the right financial track. 1) Save more, 2) spend less, 3) shop smarter, 4) find alternative methods to increase your income and reduce expenditures. These are just a few, but they are a GREAT beginning.

Questions to ask yourself? Do you have three to six months wages set a side for the unexpected? No? Well now is the time to get serious and save whenever you can. Now is the time to eliminate unnecessary purchases. Is that HD channel really worth the 60-100 dollars a month? In times when money is tight, don’t spend more than you have to and look at ways to save on all necessary purchases. Most important, pay down your debt. In times of recession, interest rates tend to go down. Your debt will cost you less and your repayment money will go further. It’s not the time to borrow more and go deeper into debt. Borrowing more just makes the “hole” deeper. Remember the “hole” theory? When you find yourself in a hole what must you do? Yes, STOP digging! Start with credit card debt first because it is soooooooo outrageous and most dangerous.

Last but not least is to make the most out of what you have. Squeeze more out of life and everything you own. Budgets don’t have to squeeze you but they can help you make the most of everything you have and put you on the “right” track to meeting both your personal and financial goals. Go a head; give it a try for six months. Heck, you can do anything for six months other than hold your breath and you have probably been trying to do that. I believe you will find that once you get your head out of the sand, life will stop kicking you in the ass. No, don’t take my word for it. Take your own. Give it a try. What have you to lose, ignorance?

By now, even if you are new to these writing you know it is all about choice, your choice. I’ve already made mine. Don’t you think it’s time to make yours?

Until next week then, let’s hope “cranial rectal inversions” are just a thing of the past. “Ride with a tight cinch and keep your powder dry.”

Pedestals, Infidelity, Sex and Smoking?

And yes Pedestals, as People, are not always stable...

The higher they get, the narrower they become and eventually one has to topple... They, Pedestals, CREATE HUGE EXPECTATIONS that are not meet-able when the cloud cover floats away, and the sun begins to emerge....

As for Infidelity - Sex and Smoking; are they on the same level? That is a personal dilemma. For me smoking is the gravest of all sins... go figure!  Then again the most damaging of all, I believe, is Deceit and Mistrust...

Yet, we can draw any line in the sand… as we all know, it does not have to be reasonable.

Of course there is the issue of Respect or lack of it.. What has to happen, in either case, is the understanding that all is not about the other, it is about you...

If you smoke, it is about you... If you have sex with someone else, it is about YOU... It’s not about them..... It is not about the “other”. It is your responsibility. Therefore, if they smoke or have sex, it is about them, not you... The mistake is, we quickly return the favor...

Contrary to “political correctness, it is OK to have one’s own personal boundary. It’s just not OK to let others actions define YOU and consequently set your boundary for you. It is in that manner these boundaries become exclusive rather than inclusive…..

Can a relationship get passed Infidelity? Yes it can..... If it couldn't, most everyone would be divorced or split up at one time or another because Infidelity is not only Physical, it is Mental and Emotional as well.

Having sex is only one part of the equation. Constantly thinking about "someone" else and being devoted to "something" else, is Infidelity as well...

Being with one person when your heart, mind or soul is with another is also Infidelity... Sometimes we just don’t define it that way. As Bill Clinton so aptly showed us during his Presidency, definition is important.

Maybe honesty levels the playing field, as Infidelity may not be explained away as just an ACT.....

Sex is an ACT. Smoking is an ACT.  They are both behaviors.... Now, is it an addictive behavior? Something that drives one and therefore a behavior that takes one away from the true intent of the RELATIONSHIP... that, I believe, is something else again and goes beyond behavior and into compulsion and addiction.

I find there are three ACTS that marriages/relationships take a huge hit on and ACTS very few relationships survive without severe damage, if at all... That is CHRONIC Abuse, CHRONIC Addiction, and CHRONIC Infidelity; the focus being on the Chronicity of the Behavior, not on the  behavior itself.

Yes, we can get past BEHAVIORS, ours and others. The question is, can we get past EXPECTATIONS? Yes, we did cover that topic before. The Expectation to either be PERFECT or the EXPECTATION to fail..... The first leads us into great disappointment and the second into self fulfilling prophecy.....

It all seems so….. Messy, so…. Confusing, so….. Difficult.  Yes, I do believe there is a path through all this.

The way through this mess is by honesty, commitment and truly focusing on the partnership.

Focusing on the others needs, while taking responsibility for our own.... I know, that is a big step - a huge step, as most of us judge by what is given to us and how others meet our wants and demands... We rarely judge on our responsibilities or lack of them.

While setting boundaries and expressing our needs, we it is important to focus on our partner. Giving to and nurturing the relationship; two being greater than the sum of its parts.... True, a Simple Idea but a HUGE Concept.  A concept that appears to be forgotten in this day and age.

The question really is, “What do you want to do and How do you achieve it......?” It is "active" rather than "passive".  Set in "action" rather than "wish fulfillment or blame".

What do you want to do...? What do you want to build...? Is it a loving relationship, a trusting friendship, a single life with companionship....?

We first have to identify what it is we want and second, define what we need to do to achieve it.... On this, couple’s need to be be on the same page or at least see/set a similar goal.

I Hope I have made some kind of sense but then again... it's me.... I don't always stay on that page..... The “sense” page that is. And as always, this is my spin...

I truly believe we have to fight for what is valuable to us.... A passive stance will not fulfill our wants, needs or desires.  If we can’t, then we are filled with regret.... Life is too short to live on or with regrets....

We have to get beyond what Psychologists call PROJECTION. Not, what does it say about him or her but what does it say about YOU... It is your limits you have to understand not the others vulnerabilities.....

It seems we are at that point again…. The place where I say it is a choice… and as always, it truly is…..I’ve made mine…. It’s time to make yours….

Maybe it is time to stand up and be counted… To make a stand for something you believe in. Maybe it’s time to take Responsibility of YOU into the next room while checking your Expectations at the door. If you do, then there is no need for Pedestals, only Conversations…. And meeting others, eye to eye…..

Until later then… Ride a wide circle, toss a large loop and don’t hard dally to the horn. This Reservation Recluse has a Pow Wow to attend and you have some decisions to make….

Changing Your Outlook - Shit Happens Part IV

Change your outlook through positive self talk and dispute the beliefs that make you and others around you unhappy. 

Is that really possible?

YES it is! In order to do this you need to ask yourself, what other beliefs will bring you peace of mind? How can you change the words you are using to describe what has happened or is happening in a more matter of fact manner? Can you express your “feelings” rather than react to your “emotions”?

 Yes, you can!

You will need to describe the event as it actually happens without the adjectives and adverbs. You will need to take away the filters of judgment, then step back and see what you get. You will need to take the time to identify your feelings that lie under those intense driven Emotions. Remember, you are stuck only as long as you are willing to be “stuck”.

Ellis states that you can become the master of your own mind, your own feelings and your own behavior IF you are willing to address “errors” in thinking when they arise. That is a big IF and it is all about YOU. There is NO waiting for someone else to do something. There is no waiting for something else to happen. The more you wait the worse things get….

Ellis emphasizes that events or situations do not make you angry or unhappy—they do not cause your upset feelings. What drives your disabling emotion is what you tell yourself about the event and the meanings you attach to that event. The real culprit keeping you upset is YOU and what YOU are telling yourself, what YOU are focusing on and what YOU are NOT expressing...

OK, you are right; NO, you can’t change what has happened. More often than not, you can’t change the upsetting situation. Like we have said before, “Shit Happens”. The only thing you are in command of is how much negativity you put into thinking about these “Shitty” things and how much you think about them.

In other words, what you think and what you do command how you feel. The event or upsetting, aggravating “thing”, in itself, has no emotional weight or value.

The bottom line is that you are always responsible for what you think, say and do. Blaming others for your feelings and behavior is just a way you learned to protect yourself during the early stages of your life. By blaming others and putting the responsibility on someone else you cannot change. You give up your control. You give up your influence. I know it sounds all backwards but really, you cannot change how stubborn people are or how irresponsible some people act. You can’t really change anyone outside of yourself and as we all know, that’s had enough.

I know, it doesn’t feel that way but feelings lie…. They really do. Have you ever felt “lower than whale dung on an ocean floor”? Well, no matter what, you are not “whale dung” nor have you even been. Putting energy here only makes you miserable by trying to solve a problem you are not responsible to solve nor can you. You only end up blaming either yourself or someone else. The consequence: You end up feeling miserable, obsessing about something that just gets worse until you are consumed with it.

Every time you use these cognitive errors you reinforce them. You make them stronger and easier to default to next time. It is vital that you turn off the negativity that feeds your irrational thinking. When you do this, you will find you turn off the line that feeds the negative emotions and destructive behavior. Use Albert’s model to dry up the concrete, unmovable, irrational and unhealthy ways of thinking that try to govern your life. Like unused muscles, these critical thinking errors will go into a state of atrophy but only if you catch yourself engaging in them, challenge them and dispute their hold on you.

To gain control over yourself and your emotions you will need to discard these unhealthy thoughts like you might brush away a swarm of Eastern Montana Mosquitoes. They are the maggots of the mind, the larva of lunacy in relationships. If you do this exercise thousands of time a day you will program your mind to be a more positive person. Yes, you heard me right…not just ONCE.

Remind yourself, “I have no need to think about this. Thinking about this and getting myself upset does not change anything. I choose to let this go. It really doesn’t matter in the long scheme of things. It is foolish to become so upset over so little. I am a better person than to let my emotions govern my thoughts and actions. I take control of me.” You need to challenge these thoughts with all you have… Only then will change start to happen.

Remind yourself, “If I repeat this thought and continue to engage it with others, it will make me unpleasant and difficult to be around. If I continue to ruminate on this path of negative thinking, then I will become diminished and more afraid. If I continue to dwell on this injustice, I will end up blowing up at someone I care about.” Ask yourself, “Why do I need to dwell and continue to focus on this thought which is hijacking my mind? If I do, dire consequences will happen and I only feed the problem and my upsetness.”

Put yourself in the command spot by interrupting your negative thoughts. Tell yourself that there is no need to think about things that you can’t change. There is no need to obsess about things that pull you into the state of despair, make you angry or worried.

Accepting things as they are does not mean you agree, disagree, like or dislike, want or not want. It only means you acknowledge things as they are and refuse to let the run-a-way emotions hijack your mind. It places you in a position to actually do something about the situation or make a decision about the reality instead of the distortion. It puts YOU in the COMMAND position of YOUR life.

Place yourself in control of YOU by cutting off the blame thoughts.

Your mind works but it only when YOU work it!

The future is yours and the present is at your command… Attack it with vigor! What have you got to lose, Your Negativity?

As usual, I have made my choice. It’s now up to you….. Isn’t it time you got YOU back and put you in the COMMAND position of YOUR life!