Sometimes You Win And Sometimes You Lose.

Sometimes When you Lose, You Win.

I know, it sounds too much like a country western song but it’s no “Sleeping Double In A Single Bed"! We all have had our share of “Heart Aches By The Number” and I hear that “Heartbreak Hotel” remains open for business.

The last time I was told to “Tell Laura I Love Her”, I was “Thanking God For Unanswered Prayers”. It’s not as if “Venus In Blue Jeans” needed any “Paper Roses” to “Stand By Her Man”.

Ok, it sounds like “It’s Crying Time Again” and I don’t believe anyone is ready for any “Whiskey Lullaby”. Maybe it’s time to let “Jesus Take The Wheel” and just plain “Let It Be”. You won’t find this Reservation Recluse “Crying In the Chapel” or waiting for that “Night Train To Memphis”. I would rather just “Walk The Line” and head straight out for “Kokomo”.

As they say, “These Boots Are Made For Walken” and I do see a “Tequila Sunrise” just past the “House Of The Risen Sun”.

It appears that old fashion values are difficult to come by in today’s world. You don’t know who to believe under what circumstance and people change their opinion just as fast as they use to change their underwear.

Now I’m told it’s difficult to find anyone who even knows what they are let alone wear any. Underwear is now popular outerwear and a commitment lasts only as long as you can spell it.

Marriages are pulled apart by the “realization” they were never really meant to be and children are not safe in their own homes, in school or in church. We complain that we don’t get what we are entitled to yet we fail to do what is necessary to protect ourselves and the ones we love.

We wait for others to give to us or we wait for someone else to make a difference in our lives. It seems to me that we do a lot of waiting and a lot of complaining.

Whatever happened to ideals such as Pride, Honor, Respect, Integrity, Responsibility, and Accountability? Have we become so complacent they do not matter anymore? Have we become so afraid that we close our eyes in order not to see?

We live in a time where many are afraid to stand for ideals we were taught. We sit silently by and watch others make decisions for us. Have we come to believe someone else knows what we want and need better than we do ourselves? Or have we become too despondent or lazy to care.

Have we forgotten that “one” can make a difference? Have we forgotten that a single rational voice can be heard above the noise of an angry crowd? Have we become so sensitive to the sensitivity of others that we no longer are sensitive to ourselves? Have we forgotten to stand tall and say enough is enough? Is it now enough to stand waist deep in a pile of “Shit’ and hope it is fertilizer.

When is the last time you said “no”, to anyone?

It’s difficult to listen to your own drummer, let alone march to it. Look around. Hear the rhythm. Make a stand.

Say what you believe and model what you value. Start to communicate - not in an angry fashion but in an assertive stance. Talk to your kids, talk to your neighbors, talk to the people you voted for to represent you. Make your voice heard. Start at home. Start with you.

Take Pride in what you do. Be Respectful to those around you. Live your life with Integrity so others can see when choices are not as defined. Act Responsibly and choices are not so difficult to make. Be Accountable for you and to the ones you love for in that we find Honor.

Throw in a little Guts and I believe we have a receipt for success that anyone can live with and when you look in the mirror in the morning, you just might like what you see.

I know, I have diverted from my usual rants but it has been one of those years. I have made my choice. It is again time to make yours. Maybe you already have…

I hope so because as they use to say, “Time’s a waisten”.

Until later…

“Keep your eyes sharp and your tongue under wraps. It’s not what you know that gets you into trouble; it’s what you do with the knowledge you posses.”

When Bad Boys Remain Bad Boys

When Bad Boys Remain Bad Boys Or Just because you love him doesn’t mean you have to stay!

We have talked about the allure of Bad Boys in the past. How they are sexually exciting and even, at times, intoxicating. How the immediate attraction may be chemical and how that drive for excitement may not last in a mature long-term relationship, no matter how badly you may want it to be true.

I know it is difficult to think about when all you want to do is melt in his arms or aggressively make your way with him... After all, Alpha Males draw Alpha Females.... The survival of the species is at stake ya know... but more seriously, your future happiness.

If all one wants out of life is to be a “player”, to capture the excitement of numerous one-night stands and the power that goes with non-commitment, then it may not really matter. Bad Boys do have their attraction and because of that, their place as well but what about long term relationships? Do they have a place there?

Maybe, in all fairness, one has not to look at the person but the person in context with the relationship... After all, the purpose of a long term relationship is to have the whole be greater than the sum of its parts.... That you become greater “together” than you ever were as a “single entity”. To do this we need to evaluate honestly, not the person and their potential but the health of the relationship and its relationship to the whole...

You need to ask yourself, “Is this relationship healthy, or is it unhealthy?” It is here you need to be as objective and honest as you can. To accomplish this you need to analyze the relationship. How has it has changed or modified since it first began? Has it veered from its projected path of harmony and bliss to something less desirable and more frightening?

It is important to take a good strong look at what it was you wanted and how close it has become to meeting your needs and projections. "Is the relationship nurturing or is it destroying?" Does the relationship provide an avenue for growth or does it stifle and strangle all hope of future other than what once was, while you dread what is. "Do you find yourself constantly focusing on his potential and what could be rather than the reality of what is?"

Are there “rules” to become aware of that signal one may be going down a destructive path? Since all individuals are different and statistics apply to populations not people, the answer is NO. There are no hard and fast rules but there are signals we can assess and apply to both our relationships and ourselves. There are signs that tell us we need to EVALUATE!

What are some of these signals and how can we honestly evaluate the relationship and the person within in it? Well, there are hallmarks one can be aware of and there are signs that one needs to assess.

One of the first things you can do is look towards your friends.

How do your friends respond when your Bad Boy is around or even when his name is brought up? Do you find your friends side step you and look at you like they are not sure who you are any more. Do you feel like they are avoiding you and your “Bad Boy” or do they appear happy to have you both around?

Do you find activities filled with tension and stress every time you are out with others? Do you find yourself constantly defending his actions towards you, your children, or others? Do you find yourself making excuses for his “bad” behavior or even blaming yourself; trying to convince yourself that it will not happen again…? Do you find that he often blames you for situations that don’t go “right” for him? Do you find making the environment less “stressful” for him is an impossible task?

Do you find your friends worried about you and your isolation? If your friends are worried about you, maybe you should be as well...

Check the pulse of the “relationship” not the “quick step” and desire of the heat and the heart. You cannot keep a relationship healthy by yourself or by hope and desire alone. It takes two and most Bad Boys, if their goal is to remain a Bad Boy, is focused on his Image not on you and the relationship.

Do you find he brings out the best in you or the worst in you? Do you feed each other’s best? Or do you feed the junkyard dog that resides somewhere deep within or worse, right at the surface? Do you find you are developing a Junkyard dog of your own in order to keep up or for your own self-preservation?

Do you find that you are losing the fight to believe he will change? Do you find yourself believing if only others would give him a chance he would change? Do you find you are entangled within the belief you are the only one that can bring about his salvation? Worse yet, you are beginning to believe he is your only salvation....

If you find, after an honest evaluation, that your relationship is unhealthy accept the end. Get out as fast as you can. It is dangerous for you and your family. You deserve to be with someone who respects you and is committed to maintain a healthy relationship...

It is not about sometime in the future, it is about NOW.... If you stay, manipulation and controlling behaviors will persist and they will transfer to the manipulation and the controlling of you, even when they no longer care about the relationship... Maybe it already has.

Despite your lingering feeling for this person, you have to take steps to end it as swiftly as you can and leave... Yes Leave, and leave NOW...

No, it is not easy. If it were easy there would not be so many individuals stuck in this place. Yes, it is difficult but you can do it.

Ok, many of you have no idea what I am talking about, yet some of you do, and you know what I am saying has a ring of truth to it... You know! You have just avoided taking a healthy look at and evaluating the situation you are caught up in... You have held out for the miracle of change and the hope for a better future.... You have waited long enough! Despite your best efforts to work things out you need to accept the stark reality.

Ok, you are right... Now is the time I say you have a choice... and again it is true, you do... and it does not matter if you are the Bad Boy or the person that has fallen for one... The choice is yours... and it is time to make it.... Don’t you think you deserve a better today and a brighter future? I do...but you cannot have it unless you make that choice... and the time to make one is NOW...

I have made mine.... Healthy, loving relationships are worth the risk of being alone. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts... You just have to make the decision and then the stance.... I did not say it was easy, I am just saying it is worth it....

As you take a deep seat in the saddle and pull that Stetson down tight, remember that image cannot stand shoulder to shoulder with influence and being an influence has all to do with doing the “right” thing at the “right” time. And that time is NOW...

As always, I am interested in your story and your opinion. Take the time; let me know what you think and what has worked for YOU!

Until next time…. Throw a large loop… You will be surprised how it gives one choice on what to catch…

Stress

Take it or leave it... I am not sure we have a choice...  It could be in how we deal with it..

Lately I have found that many people are seeking methods to reduce stress and question if they can get any handle on their tension, anxiety and sometimes panic attacks. No, there really isn’t any one step, sure fire solution nor are there any real fifteen minute cures. What I am going to discuss is not “therapy” nor is it a replacement for formal therapy options….

But, what I am going to talk about will help reduce your tension and help relax you. What I am going to discuss is a technique developed by Dr. Edmond Jacobson in 1929.. A process called Progressive Neuromuscular Muscle Relaxation.

Progressive muscle relaxation is a technique which involves the systematic flexing and relaxing of tensed muscle groups. It’s a process which relieves us of the body’s typical “fight or flight” response.

We all know that stress and anxiety produce tension and this tension affects muscle. We walk around with clenched jaws, furrow foreheads, and knots in our shoulders on a daily basis. We all feel its affect.

Yes, daily living can produce anxiety and stress, which in turn produce muscle tension. Is it reasonable to assume the inverse? Can we assume that relaxing specific muscle groups will have a direct effect on reducing the impact of anxiety and stress we find in daily living?

Dr. Jacobson believed so and so do many experts in today’s health and wellness fields. It is a belief that an anxious mind is not able to coexist within a relaxed body. Sort of makes sense doesn’t it?

Many individuals have difficulty differentiating between muscles that are tense and muscles that are relaxed. It's like when you give a foot massage and you ask the person to relax their ankle and they reply, “It is.” Yet, you are perfectly aware it isn’t.

The ankle and foot remain stiff as a board…. They have been in this state for so long they do not remember how it was to feel “relaxed”. You then have to move the ankle for them in order for that muscle group to remember and then they can “feel” the difference. Slowly at first but it soon gives up the fight.

Progressive muscle relaxation helps the person to recognize this difference; the difference between when a muscle group is relaxed and when it isn’t.

I am sure you have experienced this before but maybe you have not been aware of its benefits. It is in alternating the tension and the relaxation of certain muscle groups in order for you to both cognitively and physically understand the difference.

It’s easy... Just select a muscle group and tense them as hard as you can for 10 seconds or so. Any muscle group, like your fist, tense it then let it relax. As you release the muscles in your hand, you will immediately be able to feel the contrast between the tension and the relaxation. While doing so, focus on how that group of muscle feels to you.

Note the physical manifestation in your body. Feel the tension. Feel the strength. As you release the tension, focus on the changes your body undergoes as you relax these muscles. Feel your muscles release and the tension leave this area.

If you are really serious, continue with the rest of your body. Start with your major muscle groups such as arms, legs and abdomen. Then progress to your finger, forearms, toes, calves, neck, and jaw. You will soon come to identify how each of these muscle groups feel as they tense and then relax. Some individuals start at either end of their body and move progressively up or down….

Where you start is really up to you. Done regularly you will be able to experience a progressively relaxed state in your body. You will find yourself less uptight, less irritable and maybe even more approachable.

This technique can be used at the onset of a “panic attack” and keep it from progressing to its full extent. It can be a tool to keep you focused and get you through some very tough spots. To begin with it feels foreign but soon it can become as automatic as breathing, especially if you use a breathing technique along with it. As you tighten the muscle, breathe slowing in through your nose and exhale slowly through your mouth as you release the tension in the selected muscle group.

This technique will take you approximately 10 seconds to complete a cycle. It takes your focus away from overwhelming feelings and thoughts, directing them to body functions that naturally reduce tension; belly breathing and muscle relaxation.

Your breathing will naturally slow down, your heat rate will calm, your blood pressure will reduce and your blood flow will go into a more relaxed rhythm instead of a “flight fight” response…. It stands to reason that if these symptoms are reduced or countered, the panic or anxiety is also reduced or avoided.

I know it sound strange but try it. It helps you stay in the moment and away from the “what if” cognitive focus and “fight or flight” body responses.

For best results it is good to set aside a few minutes each day to practice. I take 10-20 minutes before I go to sleep. It helps shed the “uglies” of the day and prepares both my mind and body for a good night’s rest; after you finish the exercise focus once more on your breathing. You should find it flowing, rhythmic and slow. It will be deep as you are using more than the top part of your lungs, as you do in shallow or anxiety ridden breathing.

Pay attention to both your body and your mind, noticing how your body feels compared to before you started the exercise. Remember to be fully present in the moment. Concentrating on your body, your feelings and how they now interact with each other. How they are in harmony instead of dissidence.

No, we don’t really know why progressive relaxation works but we do know that it does. No, it is not a cure but it is a technique that can get you through some really tough spots or minimally a good nights rest….

We all need a little less tension in our lives… Go ahead and give it a try… It is something you CAN do, it doesn’t cost you anything and there are no adverse side effects. The only way it doesn’t work is if you don’t use it. Now, how well does it work?

Well, that is up to you. I do find a direct correlation between use and result…. Like most things…. Use it or lose it…. It’s a simple technique that can produce multiple benefits.

Again, yes, it is a choice…. I have made mine…. It’s your turn to make yours….. What have you got to lose anyway? Tension? What might you gain; a good night’s sleep?

As a long forgotten prophet once said, “If you relieve that pain in your neck you just might not be such a pain the ass to someone else”… It does lose something in the translation but you get the point….

Until later….