Breaking into Negativity - Shit Happens Part III

How do you do this? You break into negativity of the moment by instructing your mind to “STOP”. You tell it, “don’t go there”. You command yourself to “cut it out”, “enough’s, enough”! If you find yourself obsessed with how unfair something or someone is and you keep going over it again and again, it will drive you nuts and be the foundation of significant emotional turmoil. Tell yourself to “knock the shit off”. Shit happens; you just don’t need to keep it…..

Instead of revisiting old repetitive negative, hurtful thoughts and feelings say to yourself, “It’s true, nothing is really fair. I know that and it is not up to me to make it fair. It is not my responsibility. I am going to stop thinking about what’s wrong and what’s unfair. I am going to do it NOW. I am not going to give it any more energy. I am just not going to go there. All it gets me is upset. I’ve thought about this “shit” enough. There is no benefit to anyone in thinking this way except becoming UPSET. So, what if it’s WRONG? It’s not up to me to make it RIGHT! This train of thought has no real value. I am not buying into this situation. Don’t go there! Stop it!”

True, it sounds silly but you have to combat the negativity until it slows down and STOPS. Like a run-a-way train you have to regulate the energy that drives it in order to get it under control.

The more you think about upsetting thoughts, the more energy you put into the unfairness, the more upset you will become. In other words, obsessive, repetitive thinking only makes things worse. It drives negative emotions and destructive behavior.

It is possible to STOP this hijacking of your mind. You don’t have to be the victim of unwanted thoughts and feelings. You can choose to think about something else and get yourself away from any negative emotions, thoughts, beliefs and behaviors. Yes, it can be done but to do this you have to let go of some pretty strong beliefs that you see as unchangeable and “right”.

Albert Ellis believed in challenging people about what he called “cognitive errors”. Cognitive errors are those concrete ways of thinking that are inconsistent with reality. Now that’s a mouthful. So what are they anyway?

They are also thoughts which, most of the time, have become habitual. They are those should of’s, could of’s, must do’s, have to's, should do’s, and ought to’s that govern and then hijack a person’s mind. They are the thoughts that poison your mind and always lead to blame, guilt, depression and anger. They are beliefs that no matter how one slices the pie are just wrong. They create havoc and destruction in a person’s life. They are the chaos that happens when you insist that the world and everyone in it must act in or believe in the way you want it. True, it’s great when the “world” complies with your rules but most of the time the world just “doesn’t”. People who act like the world responds according to them and their ways of thinking place a terrific strain on themselves and others. You see them everyday. You may even be one of them. Most of the time they are just plain unhappy…

For example, if you believe that “Everyone should follow the rules”, a significant amount of conflict will happen if you live with someone who REFUSES to follow the rules. Some things just are not fair no matter how much you insist that they should be. It is not healthy to keep your tail in a ringer about something that you cannot change. Sometime you just have to accept. Now, that does not mean “give in” or “give up” but we will take about that next time…. In part IV we will talk about how to change your outlook through positive self talk and the necessity to dispute the beliefs that make you and others around you unhappy.

Until then, pay attention to those random thoughts and those concrete beliefs. You may be surprised at what you find.

As always, I’ve made my choices now it’s time to make yours…..

Shit Happens Part II

Take a Firm Grip on Your Mind – then blow it out your ASS….

If you don’t take control someone else will.

How does this happen? Simple. The next time “shit happens” or something upsets you, don’t just give into the feelings and emotions, take the time as an opportunity for change.

Remember you don’t have to give in to the anger, the depression, the anxiety or the inadequacy. You don’t have to roll over to the onslaught of emotion that often takes over. Pay attention and watch your mind. Put on your own “Low Jack” and don’t let “others” take it for any unauthorized spin. Take a firm grip on any thought that is negative and then “kick it out”. Challenge it by disputing the negativity and then let it go… Yes, it, the thought or emotion, feels logical but it is lieing to you. The more intense it is, the more unlikely that it is TRUE. Logical, Yes… Rational, NO! The thoughts I mean, not your mind!

More than likely the feeling or thought you are experiencing is an irrational mental play and the foundation of strong negative, controlling emotions that are building up or have built up over time. They are the same processes that put you on the Emotional Roller Coaster that seem to control your behavior, your thoughts and your feelings. Yes, it is easy to say but this is NOT so easy to do. It takes effort! Consistent effort and awareness on your part…. If you really want to be in control of YOU, then you have to beware of YOU and your thoughts ALL the time.

First of all, everyone has hundreds and even thousands of thoughts that take a stroll through our minds every day. As many are all aware of; “Some don’t stroll, they take us hostage”!

These are the negative, upsetting thoughts that emanate, almost instantaneously, through our mind and drain us of most anything positive; our energy, our attitude, our behaviors – everything…. You feel it when you get angry, depressed, anxious and inadequate. Many of us believe that we can’t change and that is just the way things are.… As I’ve said before, “shit happens”.

We believe that when something happens it causes us to feel a certain way and then we have to “react” to that feeling. In other words, what happens dictates our feelings and our feelings dictate our behavior. You have no control, “Shit Happens”! The event or “bad thing” dictates how you feel about something and that feeling tells you how to respond. Again, you have no control. “Shit happens” and you can do nothing about the result.

Popular belief, true, but nothing is further from the truth! “Shit happens”, yes, but you can do something. You can take control of your thoughts, your emotions and your behavior. I know taking responsibility when you’re at your lowest is not your idea of fun but it is something you have to do if you want any “peace of mind” and NO, it is not a ONE TIME EFFORT. Your effort to stop the constant onslaught and prattle of the mind needs to be an ongoing process that does not stop at one attempt. If you want to be the one in control of your feelings and your behavior, it has to be an ongoing practice; one that starts now and continues the rest of your life.

You CHANGE they way you think and you CONFRONT beliefs that drive the disabling emotion. In turn, you make CHOICES about your behavior. NO, you don’t have to be taken hostage by Roller Coaster Feelings and Out of Control Emotions and Behaviors!

It is your decision to be in charge of your thoughts, your beliefs, your feelings and your behavior. The good news? It does become easier the more it is exercised. As with most things, with use comes ease and it can become almost instantaneous.

To stop this Roller Coaster Ride of irrational feelings, beliefs and behaviors you have become aware of what your mind is saying about what is happening around you on a daily basis. It is all about being “mindful” of daily events and situations. Once aware, you need to make a conscious choice to challenge and break into any negative beliefs or judgments you harbor about any current or past situations.

How do you do this? Well, we will talk about the specifics next time…. Until then, you have choices to make…. I’ve made mine… You have to make yours?

Isn’t it time to take back what you didn’t even know you had given away in the first place? In this day and age of cleansing our bodies of toxins, isn’t it time to cleanse our mind and take full responsibility for what we do, how we feel and what we think?

Yes, bad things still happen to good people. We can’t change that but we can change how we deal with these events, how it ultimately affects us and in turn what we do, how we feel and what we think.

Until next time, as a wise fourteen year old once told me; “Just because it is clear to you, doesn’t mean you can fly through it”.

Of Strippers and Shrinks

Vampires of the night she told me… Feeding upon the money and insecurity of those wanting to be seduced by something they cannot posses. She was a leggy, newly brunette with dark seduction throughout her aura. Piercings and tattoos were subtle and an admitted addiction; her companion, a small firecracker of sensuality with flashing eyes and come-hither smile sat near my other side.… Sex, well people are wrong... It is not overrated….

Vampires feeding or vulnerability lured to perform by the need to pay ones bills with a dash of exhibitionism thrown in? I tend to believe it is more about vulnerability, strength, and sexuality; at least with these two Vixens Of The Night.

The Naked Truth about Vulnerability… Yes, we all have a little Stripper and Shrink in all of us. Besides, we are not all that different. Each deals with the Naked Vulnerability of their profession and the primary success of their focus is founded in Relationships and the ability to connect with their Cliental.

Each deals with the façade of society and expectations society places upon the interactions… Each deals within the core of human vulnerability and each has to focus on others and not themselves if they are going to rise to the top of their chosen or given profession. Each are often judged, not by who they are, but often in what they do. Each are grounded in a ‘no touch” rule that not only protects them but the individuals they interact with, forcing the interaction to focus on the here and now and not in the what was or what could be’s.

Opening one’s self to the extent of being naked to the world is often a very frightening place. To shed the protective clothing of the day and walk confidently into the night is no easy task. To have the eyes of the immediate world on you, assessing your vulnerabilities, takes courage and a resolve that is not always easily accomplished. It is something not many do and which many pass judgment.

To be vulnerable is to have strength in ways so powerful many fear it… However, when once experienced, gives one a sense of control that can be magical…. A journey of “naked vulnerability” is in itself a cloak of protection… Be it in the “office” of a Shrink, the “stage” of a Stripper or the confines of your own everyday world. We all have a “pole” with which we dance. A journey which draws judgment and expectations to others while being about the ability to sustain the judgment of others.

Maybe there is a little Stripper and Shrink in all of us. Maybe it is what helps us be compassionate and a little edgy at the same time… Maybe it’s the allure of attraction, the potential excitement which gives us the courage to step onto the stage of life and expose our vulnerabilities with the passion and sensuality that life deserves... Maybe it makes us honest; not only to ourselves but also to the world in which we interact.

So, the next time you find yourself face to face with a “Stripper” or a “Shrink”. Who are you going to pull a chair next to...? And when you are comfortable, your heart starts its regular rhythm again, maybe, just maybe the eyes looking back at you will be yours…

As one “friend” once told me, “It’s the eyes. They get me every time. It’s here I find truth.”

Well, it’s time for this Reservation Recluse to assess his own vulnerabilities and as usual, it’s a choice. I enjoy making new friends and enjoy the discussion of “possibilities”. I choose the risk of potential rather than the safety of what was. So in the world of Strippers and Shrinks, who are you going to look in the eye? Maybe your vulnerability is also your strength and maybe there is a little “Vampire” in all of us.

Therefore, my long legged friend, maybe you were “right” after all. Let me know when it’s time to feed. We all have choices to make… Until then, I have made mine. Isn’t it time to make yours?

Shit Happens

Life Changes!

It is funny how life changes. I guess that is what life is all about… It is an every moving, ever breathing thing…. Life…..

The sun is out and it warms the morning air. The grass is starting to green and it actually feels just a little like spring. The last few weeks have been reminiscent of Winter…. Blustery, Cold and Spitting Frozen Rain… sometimes even Snow…. I guess that’s LIFE!

Change! How can one adjust to it? You can’t prevent it. Change, especially when life changes and smacks you right alongside of the head? What can you do?

No, you are right. You can’t change what happens but you can change how you deal with it. You can take the Roller out of Coaster and stop the Emotional Roller Coaster that seems to control ones existence when “shit” happens.

Coping With Change or When Life Hands Out Lemons….. Throw Them At Your Neighbor…..

WOW…. What does this really mean? Change is hard enough. Why would anyone want to “cope with it”? And lemons, they just make your mouth all sour, your lips pucker and you come close to down right drowning in your own saliva; minimally you just drool. Not a good picture… Right?

Well, a man named Albert Ellis; the Grand Daddy of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, believed we, as people, were responsible for our own thoughts, our own attitudes, our own behavior and yes even our own emotions. Personal responsibility; where did he come up with that?

Yes, I know that remains somewhat of a challenge in today’s society, yet Ellis developed a Model he believed could give you more control and influence over the lemons in your life. He also believed in the ability for you to exercise your mind and find a peaceful place for it to dwell.. and no it’s not lonely street….. or heart break hotel…..

You heard me right! It’s not a place to go. It’s something to do. I said the word exercise, right! Yes, exercise. Well, not in the traditional sense though… Peace of mind does not come without work and directed energy on your part. Maybe that’s the hard part?

Peace of mind is something you have to work for. It’s not just handed out because one feels they deserve it; even though sometimes, it may appear that way or that’s the way you want it. It just doesn’t happen!

So what about this guy call Albert and what did he develop? Well, Ellis developed a four part model. His A, B, C, D Theory of Emotions and it puts YOU right on the leading edge.

A: is the activating Event or Situation. In other words, “shit happens” but he says that the event itself does not make you angry, sad or worried. Rather it is YOUR interpretation of that event. “Shit” he say’s, just happens….

B: is your belief system. Yes, your values about what just happened. They include your shoulds, your should nots as well as your musts. All the “stuff” you place on yourself and others. All that self talk you do automatically.

Ellis believes that only YOU make yourself unhappy and you do that by what you tell yourself. He says that beliefs, though logical, can be irrational.

These irrational beliefs, along with too high expectations, are the culprits of emotional trauma as they are inconsistent with reality.

When these beliefs are not in sync with the reality, they lead to disabling feelings and emotions such as of helplessness, hopelessness, anger and depression.

C: is the consequence. The result of what happened due to the situation. It is also how you “feel” about this event based on your own self-talk. Yes, two things. The consequence of the situation or event (behavior) as well as the consequence you set up in your own mind (disabling emotion).

D: is the dispute. This is the confrontation you use to fight the irrational beliefs that propelled you towards the anger, the depression, the worry or the inadequacy. It is here you need to argue with the thoughts that are upsetting you and express the feelings that are underneath the Disabling Emotions...

Basically, you confront them and tell them to go away. You have to tell yourself, “Yes, I can accept what I can’t change.” “Shit does happen, even to good people.” “I can accept it; I don’t have to like it.” Simple yet effective; No, I did not say it was easy, just simple.

We often defend ourselves by blaming others when things don’t go our way, when they are not what we want or how we want them. When this happens we need to use a technique where you interrupt and depute the negative trash thoughts and emotions. This confrontation is called “Thought Stopping”. It is where you keep watch of yourself throughout the day.Yes, throughout the day.  It is not a one stop shop.

It is here you become aware of the negativity in both your thoughts and emotions. It is here you examine your beliefs and expectations about yourself and others. It is here you sit back and take a good inventory of you.  It is difficult because most of us do not want to take a good hard look at "ME".  We would rather look at others.

How do you do this? Well, you sort of have to “take a strong grip on your frontal lobes” the next time something bad happens that something upsets you. Yes, I’m talking about your “mind”. I know, you are not even sure you have mind let alone a strong grip but I assure you, you do..

You can stop that emotional roller coaster that tries to control your life. You start by taking control of the ups and downs that seem to drive your emotions. No, you can’t change what happened but you can have influence on how they affect you.

You can make a conscious choice to break all the negative, damaging beliefs and thoughts that bind you to the situation; the quicksand that pulls you down and traps you like a Louisiana Bog. You can become aware of what your self talk whispers about what is happening and going on around you. You can shift your focus.

You can confront irrational beliefs and you can express your feelings. You can also choose your behavior and how you react to the situation. You can also change your self talk, your cognition's and redefine your labels. Isn’t it time you become the master of your own mind and not let an emotional run-a-way train rule you?

Remember, your mind only works when you work it. Yes, shit happens but it is up to you what happens next? Life….!

Isn’t it time to be an active player instead of a reactive one?

As always, there is a choice…. And again, I’ve made mine…..What are you going to do?

The choice is YOURS.

Birthdays

Birthdays! Now that’s a thought. I found myself contemplating life, trying to think of a topic for this week; one that everyone might identify with and I thought “Birthdays”. I know, a funny thought but everyone has one…. Birthdays that is, not necessarily thoughts… Or at least they should….. So what about them? Birthdays, I know I am not too particularly fond of them. I know they come and I know they go, but what else? Is there really any meaning or value here? Birthdays! What is of value other than they are something every one has; at least ONCE? I had to give this some thought.

Well, birthdays do come and go and one was about to go, MINE. Since it was my  birthday the thought crossed my mind that I might as well put some energy into what this day was all about. What do birthdays really mean? Birthdays, what are they really? Are they something other than days one would rather just get behind them? Are they more than days when people call you who have never called you since your last birthday? Or are they just visits from people who drop by thinking you have nothing better to do than wait around for them to show up, then you wait for them to leave? Good questions I thought. At least they were thoughts and questions I have had.

So what are they anyway? Birthdays! What happens and Why? Now that’s a thought, since I don’t really believe in Why other than “because and I don’t know”. Now the What?.... Parties maybe?

Sometimes birthdays do come with parties and they are usually parties you would never go to if left to your own accord. They often come with cake you don’t like, frosting you have to gag down and presents you don’t need or would never purchase in the first place. Birthdays… a day when people make a fuss over your age, treat you like a child and then expect you to lie and tell them you appreciate being made the brunt of their “old” jokes. All the while you are thankful you made it another 12 months and question if you have the energy to make it another 12, sometimes hoping you won’t. With each Birthday, the days get shorter but sometimes the minutes just drag by as you find the last time you looked at the clock it was still 2:00 a.m. and it felt like it was 4 hours ago…. Birthdays…..

I was beginning to think this Birthday “thinking” was not such a good idea. My present thoughts were definitely affecting my search for meaning and value. Go figure!

I use to think Birthdays should be for ones parents, not for ones self. After all, they are the people to whom your birth is really important. They planned, they waited, they saved and they persevered to get you. Your birth is something YOU have to get over, get through, and get on with. It’s filled with trauma, starting with the birth canal. It was the beginning of your life, with only one destination and that wasn’t to do it all over again.

Where as YOUR birth is something different to your parents. It is a celebration and hopefully a reminder of what they have done “right” in this world…. It is a start of something that never changes no matter how old we get. What? Simple put, they will always be Mom and Dad, and we will always be Children. No matter how old we get and how many birthdays we have; that configuration remains the same.

Yet, that doesn’t seem altogether right either….. How many of us send thank you cards for bringing me into this world to our parents, on our birthdays? Right! I rest my case! So, maybe birthdays and their celebrations really ARE about us? About cherishing the life our parents have given us and honoring a time when others want to let us know that we are important to them as well. That our presence, our birth, has made a difference and they want to acknowledge it by letting us know in some small way that yes, we are important and yes, we are loved. After all, it is not what we do in this life that is important, it is who we touch, how we touch them and the manner in which we impact others that our legacy is built. It is here we receive real value and it all starts with our birthday.

So, maybe birthdays are important after all? What CAN they be? They can be a way for us to honor others by letting them know we appreciate their kindness or remembrance. They can be an avenue to express our love, devotion and respect to others in ways that touch the heart and give comfort to the soul. They can be the days in which we give value to life and days in which we can take one day each year to value ourselves as well. It can be the life our parents gave us; the opportunity to become more than our collective parts.

Birthdays are days of hope, shedding light upon the past while giving a sense of purpose to the future. They are a manner in which one can count the march of time while being an active participant instead of a passive observer. Birthdays are the mile makers of life, giving us pause to contemplate not only the passing of time but the desire of the future…

Birthdays give us quarter to evaluate our strength, our purpose and our effect on life.

Birthdays give us the chance to rectify past mistakes and fortify future goals, for this day really is the first day of the rest of your life….

So whether you are 19 or 91 you have the responsibility to take possession of YOUR day….. It is a day to grasp with vigor and to live fully, for it truly only comes once…. It is a great day. A day not to waste; a day not to let just drift by!

Yes, birthdays truly mark the first day of the rest of one’s life…..

Again, It’s all about choice… Not the choice to have one one. That choice was made for you already but the choice in which YOU decide how to live…. No, you don’t have to wait until your B-Day comes around… Take the time to celebrate someone else… Yes, birthdays are celebrations; celebrations of life… You can fulfill your part by living today… Call you parents. Tell them how much you love them. Let them know how much you care. Call your children… Let them know how important they are to you and how much you value the day they came into your life….

Yes, birthdays are about living….. They are about VALUE. I know who I value. I have made my choice. Isn’t it time you make yours?

Go ahead, Right now…. Pick up that phone…..

Until later….. Don’t wait for the right time. Then again maybe you should, for the RIGHT time is right NOW.

Live life by being fully present, in your life, today.

Relationships: The Three Horseman

Or Marriage, Infidelity and Divorce


Remember when I said I would save “that” for another time….? The topic was relationships and how what was once the focus of your dreams ends up becoming the cause of all your problems…..

Your worst NIGHTMARE!

Ok, so it was not too hard to remember.  Well, before we dive head first into this “black hole”, I thought you might find these so called “facts” interesting.

The following enlightenment is derived, in part anyway, from a book by Dr. Holly Hein, where she explores marriage, infidelity and divorce. Ok, enlightenment is not really the word but I think you will find some of this stuff interesting.

Were you aware that affairs are actually quite common; that we are not really as monogamous as we profess to be? Ok, so it’s not all that much of a surprise to you given the statistics on divorce and what you know about your friends but what about this infidelity thing in general?

Would it surprise you if I said that nearly 70% of all married men and 60% of all married women have reported having affairs? Does that surprise you at all? Ok, so you knew men were “horn dogs” but what about the women?

Putting it in another way, infidelity impacts two out of every three marriages. MMMMM put these statistics to use in your own social circles…. Then again, maybe not….. It just might be a little too uncomfortable…..

Now, how about divorce? We all know we are a throw away society; everything from containers to automobiles. We also know that with today’s stressors, marriage is very difficult to keep on track but did you know that every ten to thirteen seconds someone gets divorced. Sort of gives you whip lash doesn’t it?

And it looks like a revolving door, carrying with it much of the past into other future relationships…

Ok, so why stay in an unhealthy relationship that makes you angry, at either yourself or your partner?


You deserve more than being pissed off don’t you? Well, how about this statistic? Would it surprise you to know that 50% of women and 33% of men remain angry for up to ten years after a divorce? Wasn’t divorce supposed to solve something or make you feel better? Wasn’t it supposed to make you less angry at someone? MMMMMMMMMM

Ok, so you get the divorce. What about starting over? How easy is it to start over? Did you know that traditionally women have more trouble starting new relationships than divorced men do? For some reason the big “D” doesn’t affect men the same way it affects women.

Men are still looked at as “commodities” while women are often seen as “damaged goods”.

Ok, we already know that two out of three couples have not stayed within the confines of a monogamous relationship. How does that pencil out with divorces? Well, the statistics are quite interesting…

While more than 90% of divorces, in long-standing relationships, involved infidelities some time during their marriage and more than 50% may be currently involved in a affair, only 25% list an affair as an actual reason for their divorce. This reinforces what many therapists have said for years.

Affairs, though damaging, don’t in themselves break up marriages. Marriages can get beyond infidelity and often do.

Now that we all know divorce is such a popular past time and affairs, though not the reason can be a factor in the divorce. Does divorce solve anything?

Well, that question is difficult to answer. We do know that approximately 80% of those who divorce during an affair regret their decision. We also know that over 75% of people who marry partners in an affair, eventually divorce. We also know that the divorce rate and ratio of infidelity are much higher among marriage partners who are involved in an affair. Now, does divorce solve anything?

You tell me.

What else do we know about affairs and infidelity? Well, we know that the average affair lasts two to four years and if an affair becomes public, it begins to fail. The affair seems to only thrive in secrecy and once the affair becomes public it often ends; no matter the promises, no matter future intentions.

If by chance an affair replaces the marriage, this new marriage is subject to the same emotional stresses as the former marriage but is twice as likely to fail. It appears that affairs are transitional past times at best….

We have already explored the fact that once an affair becomes public it dies, so the possibility of the affair developing into anything long lasting is against the odds. So what about just keeping an affair an affair? Well, due to the nature of the beast, an affair prevents binding ties from being formed. Consequently, it has nowhere to go. Therefore, sooner or later it will suffocate in secrecy.

In the end, it appears affairs die for the same reason as marriages crumble; lack of intimacy.

Now is all this etched in “stone”? No, it’s not. Statistics are just that, statistics and they can reflect anything. I am sure you all know someone involved in a monogamous relationship. Maybe you and most of your friends are. I find it interesting to see the numbers but one must be careful on how we apply them. Remember Statistics can and do support almost anything….

None the less, I do believe we can say that nothing good comes out of secrecy and intimacy is vital in almost all relationships. Especially if one wants to keep them around for any length of time. Plug that into trust and respect and you might just have a receipt for a relationship that lasts.

So until next time, where do you fit into all these statistics?

As always, it is your choice. I have made mine. It’s now time to make yours if you have not already….

Remember, “Not all that shines is Gold. It may just be the refection of a Snipers Scope”. Or NOT….. And “proceed with caution does not mean not to proceed at all”….

So, the next time you are looking for something brighter in the next pasture or over the next hill, make sure you and the other are free of past commitments or No Future is to be had…

It will be an exercise in TRANSITION at best.