A Threat Or A Promise

It Just Might Depend On Your Point Of View


She is familiar with people taking and has difficulty understanding why he does not “ask” anything of her. She has come to believe there is always a price and most times the price has been high.

He is not use to people giving and has difficulty understanding why she puts herself at “risk”, appearing to let him into her “life”. Giving, for him, what is truly important, herself…

He has come to believe there are no such things as “a free lunch” but he feels it may be worth the effort. He is use to walking the edge to play within the twilight of the evening. It is who he is. He risks understanding or lack of it. She risks gaining who she really is, as she plays with walking away from what she has become.

An attraction maintains their orbit. A dance, where each search for the “fissure” that would prove their fears accurate but each risk something neither desire to give but each protects - TRUST. Each, for some reason believes it is worth that vulnerable stance, a stance that makes them “game-less in a world full of games”….

A stance that is not common for either. What is developing is a “relationship”. One, not based on preconceived beliefs, ideas or experiences but one based on circumstance and need. As one once said, “It is all in the eyes”. Some say, a window into the need of the soul.

A need concentrated enough to draw one into a ritual, tough enough for each to break a pattern, yet strong enough to do something out of their “ordinary”. It is an attraction based on necessity. Now that’s a concept, although not new. It has been a dance played out throughout the ages, if one makes the effort and takes the time to look.

Two people caught within a vortex of need, risking their defenses against the world. Complicated because of a “gender” difference, the “dance” filled with “sexual” tension. Each wondering how real it is and each questioning – “if” at a different time, a different place, a different age, a different circumstance?

It is here you find sexual tension giving way to “comfortableness” and that comfortableness giving way to “trust”. Is this how friendship develops between men and women? Or is it all “just” a manipulative game, a game of threat or promise?

You have heard me say that friendships between men and women are different from friendships between genders of the same sex. You have heard me say that men are not friends with women they are not attracted to on some level.

You have heard me say women, on the other hand, do not appear to have that quandary. Once women get past the “trust” issue, attraction doesn’t appear to be as relevant. Getting over the trust issue appears to be their strongest hurdle.

Trust, it may seem, lies deep within the heart of this complicated matter, an attractant in itself... And sexual tension, well it throws a little energized twist to the affair. Unaddressed, this is relationship suicide. It is an unstable explosive waiting to be set free. Addressed, it can lead to a fuller, more highly, honest relationship.

If one does not give into fear or get caught up in the distrust of the past, it can set the foundation of a strong relationship. Fear, we find, has the power to build or destroy. Now do not take me wrong, by addressing “it” I do not mean one has to act upon “it”, but it does need to be addressed. It needs to immerge into the open. Unaddressed, it lies waiting just under the surface, a potential threat.

As a friend once told me, “Expressing your thought isn’t bad”. It’s a necessity. Some would say a cross-road of sorts. It is, at this juncture, you start to set the boundaries of a potential relationship. Boundaries develop safety, safety develops trust, and trust is the foundation of lasting relationships... and Yes, an attractant in itself.

It provides the “plan” in which the relationship can develop. It provides the environment for many questions with little concrete answers, at least not in the beginning. It’s a foundation, which sustains a true relationship.

Sometimes these relationships react like falling stars. Intense and fast, they burn effortlessly, giving way to the moment with little consequence for the future. At other epochs, they grow slowly until they reach the safety of a time when they begin to grow exponentially. In either case, its mark is left within the sands of time and the star-crossed path of the heavens…

Some Random Thoughts:

• When one says, “It’s your call” and the response is “Playball!”, does that mean you are already in the game?
• Then again, sometimes in life we are thrown a “curve” when we are only prepared for something “hard, fast, and right down the middle”.
• Sometimes, Threats need to be treated as a Promise with the knowledge that promises can be as toxic as threats…

Questions:

• Have you ever been “concerned” with someone you really have no right to be “concerned” with and you don’t know what is really right, what is really wrong, or if there is really any difference?
• Have you ever been “drawn” towards someone with no explanation as to “why”?
• Have you ever put yourself “at risk” and you knew it was “wrong” but for some reason it just felt “right”?
• When confronted by these realities do you embrace them or do you try to deny they exist?

Tonight I seem to have more questions than answers. My mind floats between my senses and my brain, lost somewhere in the “between”.

• Between right and wrong.
• Between good and bad.
• Between taking the road less traveled or the one most often trekked.
• Between the choice to “grow” or the “choice to stay within the confines of the safety of what is familiar.

In relationships it is vital to remember how special you are, that you are vital, not only to yourself but to the other as well. Through this mutual need and willingness to risk, you grow and that my friend is not all-bad.

So in this day and age of “screw your buddy”, or “screw” your buddies partner, take the time to develop a new “friend”. You may just find it opens horizons and motivates you to new levels. After all, we all need someone to believe in who we are, not just distrust what we do or believe we “do” everyone we can.

As always, it is a choice. I’ve made mine, are you going to make yours? My guess is that you are. Maybe you already have. How have you “risked” new relationships and new growth? Was it worth it? Are you going to continue?

Until later, this Reservation Recluse is going to “research” the balance between the males need to “breed” and his need to “protect”. When triggered, which one do you believe wins?

I already have an idea, what’s yours…... And how does that relate to friendship, or does it? My guess? Well its twilight and the clouds cover what promise to be a full moon.

Sexual Attraction.. Is it fair to Cheat...

It is a beautiful day today in the Mountain Valleys of the Rockies and I bring you salutations as I sit holding a cup of freshly brewed coffee; its scent filling the room and its warmth taking the chill off my body.

The morning air was fresh coupled with a light warm rain as I rode the Harley down the mountain to begin my day at 5:00 A.M. this morning. As the rain played gently with the bike and myself, my mind began wrestling with the concept of attraction….

Attraction, it definitely wasn’t a rain soaked biker looking more like a drowned rat than an object of anyone’s desire. So what was it?

We have talked a lot about relationships. What drives them? What motivates them and even rules about how to keep them? We have even talked about arousal states and how “Bad Boy’s” attract but are rarely keepers…

In the “relationship game”, we often focus on the development of “trust”, the giving of “respect” and the “power” of love. But, what really drives one into the arms of another?

Some say it is all a matter of the “heart”. Others say love is a “choice” and a matter of the “brain”. Well, recent studies indicate it may be a matter of the “nose”. Yes, you heard me right the “nose”…

It appears we all have an organ located just inside our nasal cavity called the VNO – (vomeronasal organ). Its primary purpose is to detect Pheromones. Powerful airborne chemicals we produce that stimulate our interest in the opposite sex, sort of a call for mating.

This organ detects trace amounts of pheromones and stimulates the limbic region of the brain, which many believe is the area of the brain that is responsible for our emotions and in turn, “sexual attraction”.

As you may have already guessed, with this discovery of our “natural” process in “mate” selection and willingness to submit to “breeding”, someone was going to cash in and market it. True to form, there has been a rush to simulate this natural process.

The challenge is to figure out how to manufacture what we do naturally as a human attractant… and of course enhance it…. Like an expert angler baiting the trout to take his fly, only for it to be reeled in on a light line… Now, would that be a product or Not?

The question is, if you had the ability to use a product that blended our four most powerful pheromones would you use it? Would you use it to not only replace your natural levels but to boost them to such an extent the concentration was unavoidable? Would it be fair? Would you trust the results…?

Is it really all about chemicals and less about the intenseness of the moment and the chance meeting of locking eyes during a rain soaked passing…? Is it really less about the chanced touch or the gentle kiss? Or is it more about enhancing the “fly” and if it is, isn’t that more about “catch and release”?

No, I don’t have the answers. I’m just that rain soaked biker winding down the mountain road thinking “old school” isn’t such a bad idea after all.

Until next time take refuse in the fact it is all about choice…. I’ve made mine… Now go make yours…. Life gives us those opportunities to have choices as well as the responsibility to make them….

As you ponder what life has thrown you, remember not all mountain streams are the same and sometimes not everything that bites your bait is what you want to keep….

Sometimes it is just better to keep them off the hook...

Sense.... Do we have any? I know it is not common... But give me a break!

With the world spinning out of control and yes, I really mean out of control. It has to make a reasonable person wonder! 

Many of us are wondering where our next two cents are coming from in an environment where no one seems to be willing to give two cents about anything.

It makes a person question if it is worth giving two cents about something that makes absolutely no sense at all…

So whom does one trust when people who should have sense, make no sense, and are making rules that are nonsensical? 

We might as well listen to some old timer’s non-sense. Their words, good as they were, are as good now as they were then..

 

Moreover, there appears to be a lot of truth in them thar words…. Let’s take a look and you tell me…

Don’t shoot anyone unless they need killen, and don’t kill anyone that don’t deserve to be shot. As far as everything else goes, If ya kilt it yesterday ya don’t have to worry about killen it today… just make sure it doesn’t get up and move somewhere else.  

Remember, the worst thing about hunting is the gutten and the cleaning…

So, be careful what ya shoot… Ya can hunt any damn thing ya want to… as long as ya keep your rifle to your shoulder and your “gun” out of your hand.. They say it can make ya go blind if ya forget….

Some things just arn’t for sale and your word is all ya got, so don’t go flinging it around everywhere ya go…

Ya walk tall, cast a long shadow and remember where ya come from because if ya don’t, you never know where ya are or where you’re going.

Once ya saddle up for the brand, there ain’t no changing horses. So it pays to, Talk less and listen more. But, ya may be called to backed it up with a good eye and a straight shot; whether that is three fingers of Jack or a .45 cal. Colt.

So remember, you are all ya got to take to the dance, so ya had better learn what to do with your two left feet.

Until later... Keep your socks dry, your boots well oiled and your underwear from runnen up your ass. 

All is good…. As God, helps those who help themselves so long as you just don’t help yourself to other peoples stuff. And, you just might “keep yur hair from being parted in the middle and your ass free of buckshot…

Keep yur britches on when running out the window of yur neighbor’s house, as hospitality doesn’t extend past the first floor…

Therefore, as the good lord says, “go forth and multiply”, just don’t forget the adden and subtracten along with it… Keep the birds in their own nest and the bees in their hive… together well; they have a tendency to get one more biology than math… 

Sometimes adden one to another does equal three, especially when the rabbit dies…. And, they call it multiplication… go figure huh? Where I come from, they just call it hunten…. And what ya bag, ya gotta eat…

Then again, a bird in the hand is worth ------. Ok, I’m not going there…. I think this has gotten out of hand as it is, and don’t nobody need no eduaction in gardenen….

Until later.. Give what you are doing some thought…. It doesn’t cost anything and it may be worth your time and energy…. Besides, sense you don’t listen to anyone else anyway…. 

Maybe you need to start listening to yourself.

That inner voice you turned down low… Yeah, that one… I think it has something important to say.

You just might make more sense than what one has been hearing outside nowadays…

Sorrow Often Replaces Joy

“Sorrow often replaces joy but what replaces sorrow?

The Right Story......

"Deep inside emptiness grows…… Tomorrows light will find me well within my work and dusk will come before I return… Sometimes, I just grow tired and I wait for the energy to return……”

The return of the Eagle or the birth of the Phoenix…. In destruction comes rebirth; from out of the ash a diamond but not without fire and PRESSURE.

In this day of uncertainty, hard economic times and relationship instability, I often hear the cries of the damaged soul. Like the above JOURNAL entry, people tend to get lost in the “story” of despair and defeat. Yet, it is in their story that true healing takes place. The trick is to tell the “right” story.

So what is the “right” story?

The soul often becomes damaged from trauma; the Trauma of War, the Trauma of Life, the Trauma of Relationships or the Trauma of Family. We get stuck within the damage of the past and let it define our story of the present. The past can be as fresh as a few seconds ago….

It is in "how" we tell our Story that we define "who" we will be and in defining "who" we will be, we become "who" we are. It is therefore, a destiny of choice; the choice of a “story” and which "story" we will tell.

Your story and the manner in which you tell it, will define you…. I know, it is a difficult concept because it is a concept of accountability, not a concept of victimization. You are victimized once and that is by the specific deed. The depth of that victimization we hold within the “Story”.  The "story" we tell, which defines us. It is in the telling of that “story” we become and in becoming, we are relaeased.

We can “relive” the injustice that befall us and retell the “story” of our demise, or we can tell the “story” of how we fought through it and the strength of character and perseverance we developed from its journey. In that strength, we can find hope.  In that strength we can find a sense of purpose for the future.

Through the "story", we can find our true self.  Through the "story" we can find a deeper strength, not a defeatist attitude of failure and self destruction. It is within the “Story” we heal.

As with all “real” Warriors, the walk is not without its peril. It is dangerous to come face to face with you and know that true bravery does not come with the destruction of the enemy but with facing him head on and letting him know he is not in control of you…. The bravery is not in killing the enemy but in letting him live.

Native American Plains People use to have “rights” of passage. Becoming a Warrior was not in killing the enemy but in counting Coup; similar to a game of tag.

You face the danger and slap it in the face… You then tell your “story” around the campfire at night. You tell your "story" to your community. You don’t keep it hidden. Others share in your “story”. Your "story" is in how you faced your enemy and in facing him, defeated him. In turn, your community tells your "story" and your "story" supports you. You are transformed by the “story” you tell. Yes, your "story"; the "story" that will define you.

We are the makers and tellers of our story.

Is your story about self destruction, defeat, rejection or abuse? Or are they just markers in your story of rebirth, strength, purpose and character. Remember, we are the architects of our life and the tellers of our stories…. It is up to each of us to live it in a purposeful way. To do that, we have to tell our “story”. The “right” story.

As always, it’s a choice…. But we are already “Story Tellers”…… Maybe, it’s just the stories we choose to tell…

Be the director of your life. Tell your story and tell it with purpose. For it is in the “telling” of the story we heal and in the “story” that we become real. Don’t let life circumstances define who you are and who you will become.

I have made my choice… Have you made yours? Go ahead... Tell your story….  Make it the “right” story…. The story that shows who you really are and the person you have become….


Until next time…. The campfires are waiting….. There are songs to be sung and stories to be told…..

MadeOfGlass

Delicate and fragile or beautiful and resilient...

What do you think when you think of things “MadeOfGlass”?

 Does your mind trail off to “fragile stem ware” and “broken shards”? Or does it travel to reflective surfaces or exquisite, intricate pieces of art, which pull you deep inside its being and you find yourself lost within its pull and beauty?

I tend to “get lost”. Not that it is the “wrong thing” or even a “right thing”. It just is. Like a deep pool pulling one deeper into its womb, drawing one to a place where breath is dangerous, yet vital.

I have been accused of being a “romantic” at heart. I am not sure what that means. If it means I tend to looks for deep warm pools and languish in the reflective world of glass, then maybe I am. For “glass” takes all shapes and forms.

Its beauty comes not only from its form but also from its color and its ability to withstand heat. Forged from heat, it transforms into not only something functional but something beautiful as well. It is truly a “renewable resource”.

From a jar holding Cleopatra’s “asp”...  a vile holding the poison of a pact made from forlorn love… to the crystal carafe reflecting the hue of a well kept burgundy.   Its function, its form, its essence is truly remarkable and for that, I am truly grateful…

I think things MadeOfGlass are precious and should be held close, not to smother but to appreciate. Held too tightly... Well, you get the point…. Even beautiful things can make you bleed… 

Until later, this reservation recluse is not going to “blow glass” but I will appreciate it with “three fingers” of 14 year old scotch or a “shot” of good tequila”….

 As always, it is all in choices… and yes, the “beverage” is better sipped out of the “right” container… Then again, the container has merits all of its own… MadeOfGlass, go figure…

I have made mine.. Now go make yours….  Resilient or fragile...  The choice is yours...

Women and Dominant Men

Are they IN or are they OUT

Women and dominant men, do women like them or not?

Well, contrary to Pop Psychologists of today who advise men to take a dominant, aggressive role in relationships, a new study published in the journal Personal Relationships states; maybe not.

Their study revealed that most women prefer potential marriage partners for their prestige, not their dominance. mmm Interesting finding....  Prestige?  Might have difficulty spelling that.... 

"Men who are recognized by their peers for their skills, achievements and abilities; rather than men who use “coercive tactics” to subordinate their rivals, are seen as better potential mates."  Now that is a "big" statement with "hugh" implications...

Neither in Bed or the Business World: It appears, the only way women really like dominant coercive tactics is on the athletic field in the context of male-male athletic competitions.… at least that is what the studies indicate...

It appears women are highly sensitive to the context in which men display domineering/aggressive behaviors. This is especially true when these men are evaluated as long term "partner" material.  It makes a difference if one finds oneself drawn to Play or drawn to Marry.  These conditions appear to have  different sets of criteria.

Behaviors women found attractive on the athletic field and within athletic competitions were found unattractive, when displayed within interpersonal relationships. It was concluded that women avoid dominant, aggressive men, as long-term relationship partners, even though their arousal states may have been heightened.

Arousal and committment appear to be two different entities.  Hense, the different set of criteria.

It appears, what may draw interest in a short term, one night fling may not last a full term relationship.

This does not say that women are “turned off” by aggressive and dominant styles of men. The “Bad Boys” continue to get the girls. Ask any “good guy” and ask most any Girl. Bad Boys are attractive but women’s preference for dominance, directly decreases as their preference for prestige and a long term relationship increases.

As women’s search for mates or long-term relationships increase, women’s allure for aggressive, dominant males decreases…. So what was once attractive in dating becomes a turn off in a long-term relationship, where more stability and cooperative styles are appreciated.

While dominance is a positive characteristic and associated with confidence in power dating and the athletic field, it can and often is viewed as domineering and controlling within a long term relationship.   This leaves no room for dominance and aggression within marital bliss…..

These three studies, at two U.S. Universities, leave little doubt that what is an attractant and an arousal within some areas, does not readily cross over into the stability of long-term relationships. So guys, find that fine line between.... Macho and sensitive…. Aggressiveness and strength…. Dominance and domineering…. Assertiveness and controlling…. Subjugation and influence…

Women tend to like winners and men of confidence but how these men arrive there seem to make a significant difference in a womans choice for a mate.

Maybe the answer is in plain ole “respect”. If a guy is respected by his peers he is more than likely successful, committed and knows how to treat others appropriately…. Those skills are transferable, in a positive way, to long-term relationships. If he is coercive, subjugating, domineering and aggressive; winning at all cost, then these are looked at as negative transferring traits. Something most women appear attracted to in short term encounters but  avoid in looking for long term relatinships...…..

So what may have been the best sex ever, last night, may not develop into anything more than a one night stand?

What is the moral off this story…? Well, it just might be that a little salt goes a long way…. Or just because you liked it for desert, does not mean you want it for dinner….. Or one punch doesn’t mean a knock out….. Then again for some, maybe it does?

Ok, I know… the choice is really yours…. And you’re correct, not all studies are “right”. But give it some thought…

Could this be the answer to why he was once the “apple of your eye” and now the “rotten apple” at the bottom of the barrel? Could this be “why” women see the potential in men and often overlook who they really are? Why they are attracted to the aggressive style at the arousal state with the hope he will modify it into the skills and assets he needs to succeed at being a partner, father and stable lover.

Attraction is a personal challenge...

What attracts one, may not attract another but maybe, there are some fundamental rules and this may be one of them... Give it some thought… What do you think…? Does it hold water from your experience? Let me know...

But take heed. No woman likes a loser. They just don’t like CONTROLERS.


We all have a story to tell…. What’s YOURS?

Until next time…. Are you looking for a partner or a good time… can you have both? If so, what is your receipt for success? What was your receipt for disaster…?

This Reservation Recluse is heading for the Teepee… Life is way too complicated. Either that or I will be on the back of that HOG I have sitting outside….

So until later….  Thank "God" for relationships... What would we do without them?

Ok, that’s another story for yet another time…. At least ANOTHER MOOD.