Monday, June 18, 2012

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

What seems like the End, could be a whole new Journey!

What happens when you are no longer the desire of his affections or he is no longer the flame that warms your heart?

Do you see yourself on the couch eating ice-cream and watching sad movies or do you take that old adage that in order to get over a bad relationship you have to get under a good man? 

No matter what... As an oldie but goldie use to say, “Breaking Up Is hard To Do”.

Let’s face it. Starting over is hard and it hurts.

It doesn’t matter if you were the dumpie or the dumpor, it is an emotional roller coaster ride. It’s something we all go through but it is something we never really expect. We find ourselves looking critically at ourselves, wondering what really happened and where it all went wrong. And in reality, it wasn’t all wrong. It just IS, now.

Blaming others doesn’t work and blaming ourselves doesn’t help. What we do know is that we will heal... We all do. It just doesn’t feel that way, at least not at the moment.

Telling one to “just get over it” doesn’t work either. So what does one do?

One of the most difficult things to do is to stay away from him. Yes, you heard me right. Stay away from him. Now is not the time to be friends or try to stay connected. As women, you have that internal need to make things right and soothe troubled times…

You have that basic need to nurture, where we as males have a tendency to eat our young in order to breed.

Ok, it’s not a good trait but it is true. You may want to soothe and nurture but we want to breed. It’s not a good time to connect, even for one last time. Also, remember, guys are not friends with women they are not attracted to, so being friends with your guy you use to wake up next to is not in your best interest. Trust me….

You think that by being friends, it will either ease your pain or mend your guilt. It will do neither. It only keeps the wound open. In addition, NO, you won’t get over him but you will get past him. Getting over him implies your feelings were not real but that is one thing you do know. Your feelings were real and they are intense, no matter who orchestrated the break-up.

If only they would be a little less real! We can’t do anything about reality but we can do something about intensity.

One of the first things you have to do is reach out and connect with your friends; no, not to rehash the past and moan about the future but to live in the present. To celebrate your life and their friendship….

It is time to reconnect. Reconnect with life. When you find yourself forlorn and tearful while listening to an old song or going to a favorite “our” place, do the V8 head slap.

Wake-up Girl! What are you thinkin… Yes, I know what you’re feeling but WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!

You need to find other connections to old songs and old places…. You can’t run away from them but you can reframe them…. You can recondition old memories and make new ones. Don’t make connections where they are none.

Yes, there were connections but they are no longer. It’s time to make new ones and you can’t do that by having your head somewhere in the past. You can’t take away the pain in your heart by sticking your head somewhere in a time long, long ago…. In a time long, long ago makes for good fairytales and movie trailers but it has no place for healing broken relationships or mending shattered hearts.

The way you heal is to take time for you. It’s now time to make you as important as you had made him… Take some time to be alone and reflect on you. Work through your feelings, identifying what went wrong. Being aware of the affects this relationship has had and has, on all parts of your life. Then, work on accepting what is, rather than fighting for what once was or feeling sorry for what could have been.

Acceptance isn’t liking. You don’t have to like it! You don’t have to hate it! You just have to bring it as close to neutral as you can. You need to accomplish this before you can move forward and he can become someone of the past.

It’s time to be your best friend. Best friends reward each other. Treat yourself. Pamper yourself and celebrate you. You will soon find you are working through the pain and away from him. He will become someone who helped you become the person you are. The woman you never doubted and the person you knew you always were.

No, we guys are not Immune to breakups but we handle them differently. In this day and age of political correctness I am remise to say that gender still makes a difference. We often walk the same “path” but we are on different “roads”. Understanding this can make a huge difference in not what we do, but how we do it and how we recover from those “life growth experiences”.

Until next time…. Remember it is still a choice…. Hold on to the past or walk into the future. The choice is yours but remember, it hurts. It’s supposed to. If it doesn’t, it wasn’t real.

This too shall pass. It just can’t be avoided.

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