Wednesday, July 24, 2013

What Men Look For In Women - Part One

Or the ten best things are not FREE...

I am going to go out on a limb with this writing. As usual, it may not be politically correct but I do believe it “rings” with a slight bit of truth. At least as truthful as some women believe we can be. When push comes to shove, the men in your life will agree that in the “pursuit of happiness” and that “perfect” partner we do have our ideals. It doesn’t mean we get them. And in looking for them, it doesn’t mean we won’t “settle for sex”. It’s something we do value as well as desire.

Although in settling, it doesn’t mean sex is what we would prefer…. Now, what do you think about that? Even though sex is important, it is not everything… I know: it was even difficult to say….

There have been numerous poles and studies that try to quantify and objectify the male/female interaction game. We have talked about some of them in past writings. However, when men are asked what they look for in a woman, there is agreement. First, men and women are not equal. We are not the same and one cannot readily assume because you need “X” then he or she needs it too. One should not assume what makes you happy will make the other happy. Although I have heard this said numerous times, “If momma is happy, everybody is happy...” “If mamma is not… then”… well, you get the picture… And yes, in real life there is a ring of TRUTH to that too.

So what do you think? Do men prefer women with a perfect body, a perfect face, a perfect gait, a perfect conversation? Do men look for a relationship and then try to fill in the gaps or do men look for certain characteristics in a woman to find the perfect relationship? Or do men even care about relationships?

Believe it or not, men do care and they identify Charisma as one of the characteristics that draw them to women. If she can make him smile then she has the ability to be a good ally, a good partner, maybe even a good mate. That charismatic smile can get her into or out of almost anything. You know what I mean. You have seen it. You may even have fallen under its spell. You may even have it. This charm can draw women to men who are not as “good-looking” as others are in his little black book. Not saying he “should” have a little black book mind you or that he does.

Have I backpedaled enough? Ok, let’s continue! Charisma is a leveler. The appeal that lets a woman get away with things good looks can’t. Charisma is a tool when used right, can be very POWERFUL, and enticing. Charisma is old fashion Charm and in the “Ring”, it will out score and “knock out” good looks most of the time.

We don’t like to admit this but it is something we all know about men. Even with the above information about Charm, “A knock out figure and a pretty face is difficult for a man to resist.” While this is not the number one characteristic for men, I can’t say it is not important. Men are visual. If she pleases his eyes, she excites everything else. You will find men do not hang around women they don’t find attractive. While this is not true with women, it is true with men. Is this shallow? Maybe, but maybe it is just truthful. Therefore, if you are feeling “frumpy” and unattractive, he will that see too. If you don’t care if you’re “frumpy” and dress unattractively, he will see that as well. He will see what you feel; it’s not fair but true.

Think about that for a while. “He will see what you feel.” A little frightening isn’t it. And if you don’t care about you, well he won’t care about you either. Therefore, caring about how you feel and how you look is important.

Now, the standard men make judgments by is variable. Not all men find the same woman attractive but remember if you don’t feel attractive, he will not find you attractive…. Moreover, for males, attractiveness is not who his friends tell him is hot. It is the women who he notices, that notice him. In addition, if he can’t see himself next to you in the morning, then maybe it is more about sex than a relationship…. Not bad but it’s not the whole enchilada.

What attracts men to relationships and what attracts men to bed are not necessarily the same. More often, it is the manner in which you handle yourself that attracts him to you, not necessarily how you look. The package is important but the presentation is everything!

Men also value Truthfulness and Sincerity… Sort of sets you back doesn’t it but it is true. When all is said and done, men want to be able to trust the woman he is attracted to and be able to confide in her. As a whole, men are not overly trusting of women. He views women as game players and manipulators of relationships.

I think you will agree most successful relationships are built upon trust and honesty. Trust and Honesty are the foundation of any long lasting relationship. Any other foundation does not last or constantly needs rebuilding…. As for men, remember in order to receive honesty and trust you have to be honest and trustful but be careful you don’t give her more than she cares to know. “Does my butt look too big in these jeans?” “Have I gained too much weight?” “Do you think she is pretty?” Don’t go there! Honesty has its place. It’s just not here. It’s Information she does not want and more than she cares to know.

With Truthfulness and Trust often rides RESPECT. A characteristic man often chooses over love. If you ask men what they value more, love or respect, many will say respect. Men often correlate respect with love. They think, “How can you love me if you don’t respect me.” Men are sensitive to criticism from women. They feel their innate duty to protect and breed is threatened and they question their worth. Afterall how can he be of worth to someone who doesn’t respect him? How can he be worthy of her love when he can’t protect her? How can she be attracted to someone who is less of a man? I know, you think it is a little twisted but many men think this way. Love has little to do with it when his self-worth and masculinity are threatened…

Men find it difficult to be with women they are not attracted to… How can you be with a man you don’t respect? It’s just how men process things. It just is… It’s just one way men are different from woman.

Respect is about praise as well as constructive criticism. It is not about “shutting up” or “telling it like it is”… It is more in how you do, than what you do and humor is essential. You just have to be careful that the humor is not at his expense… that’s just mean. As for men, he needs to let you express yourself. He needs to listen more, pay attention more, and remember that actions speak louder than words… As you Respect him, he needs to Love you…

It’s always nice to get that “at a boy” when we do something right but in building a trustful, respectful relationship we also need to know when we cross over that line. It is important to know when we’re wrong as long as we are not demeaned and made to feel like “crap” in the process. Sadly, we only know who is naked in the hot tub when everyone gets out. That takes risk…

There are many studies which state Humor is a characteristic women rank highly in males. Do men rank it highly as well? Yes they do. Men value a female who can put a smile on his face at the end of a hard day. He values a female who can make him laugh when things are not necessarily the best. He values a woman who can smile even when things are challenging. He values strength of character that takes the dark out of darkened skies and the smile that says she is glad she is a part of his life. Men see woman who can’t smile and who don’t laugh as a potential burden. A thorn in his side that will someday rupture and poison what is around him.

So ladies, if it is too much of a challenge for you to find the positive in him, you will start to push him away. If you can’t show him value by bringing brightness to your eyes and a smile on your face, you will make him doubt. If you can’t see the positive in him and your surroundings, you will start to lose him. He will personalize this behavior. He will gradually be drawn to people and situations where he can sense a slice of confidence, humor, and brightness within a cloudy day. Men value women who are able to put a smile on his face and hers. It lifts the weight of difficult days. It allows him to be vulnerable within her arms and feel safe within her company. However, be careful… Men do not value clowns…. Humor at his expense is not attractive. Humor at her expense is just as bad. Men see and experience it as disrespectful. And if he feels disrespected, he does not stay…

I have given you some food for thought. Nothing many of you did not already know and some of you would like to forget. But since this is a two part series, I want to challenge you. For the next few days, try putting a smile on your face and a sparkle within your eye. Be the ray of sun that pushes away the clouds on that stormy day. Criticize less and understand that Respect for him is Similar to love for you. Yes, men want you to “stand by them”... But not brainless. Sexy, cute and stupid does not really work. It really didn’t work in the past and it doesn’t work now.

Attractiveness is vital but what is more important is you feel attractive and work to that end. We see what you feel. If you don’t care about you, we won’t care about you either.

Remember, don’t be too quick to judge or too harsh in judgment. Give it some thought. We’re not perfect. We’re not you. We don’t want you to be us. So until next time, this Reservation Recluse is going to cut the cards and deal another hand. Finding that perfect someone is like drawing to an inside straight, difficult but it can be done.

We just have to understand each other a little more and that takes staying in the game.

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