Or Men and Their Vulnerability. Is It Just An Excuse?
Women need to know that it is in men's nature is to protect their vulnerability and they protect it at all cost. He will say “I’m fine,” even when you are 100% sure that he is not. He can be drawn and quartered by four horses and you can ask him how he feels. He will say, “Fine.” “Right!”
Remember, he will protect his weakness at all cost. To show his weakness shines a spot- light on his vulnerability. He sees it as a betrayal of himself and he loses status. He doesn’t want YOU to think he is an Oscar Myer “Weenie”. He needs YOU to see him as the “Beer Baron Sausage”, living large as “Bob” would say.…. He doesn’t want his girlfriend or wife coming to his aid like “Wonder Woman”. He then reacts with a perceived loss of respect and admiration. YOU, being Wonder Women doesn’t make him Superman or a Sir Galahad.
So if he doesn’t want to talk about his feelings, does he want to hear? Ok, so your not too sure if he “hears” either, at least when it is important to you. Well, that’s a tough question and I am not sure there is an answer but there are things he does not want to hear and when he does, this is what he hears…
“Honey, we have to talk…..” The bomb just dropped. He thinks, NO, YOU have to talk. I’m OK! It’s your issue. There are no we’s here. It’s your need to talk and you have to talk and talk and talk and talk…….…. So, if you really have to talk, keep it direct, simple and to the point. Remember, he perceives things as “call to action” not a “sharing” of important information.
Another verbal arrow of misfortune is; “Honey, what are you thinking?” His thoughts, like his answers, will be simple. So if you are lying in post-coital comfort and he answers “Pizza, he really means Pizza. He does not mean that you have the skin of pepperoni or that you are round like a pizza or that your thighs need less pizza. It doesn’t mean he didn’t just have the best sex ever or that you didn’t “rock” his world. He just means pizza. His thoughts don’t run to or center around the “relationship” like yours do.
He compartmentalizes and believes everyone else does as well. He doesn’t understand the tears in your eyes when he answers the question you asked.
“Do you think she is pretty?” Run!!!!!! This is a question no guy ever wants to hear so he may just pretend he doesn’t or stammers around a bit... If he says yes, he believes you think she is prettier than you are or he is interested in her. Even if he hesitates to say no, it will kill his chances for sex that night and if he says yes—his chances of “getting laid” are gone forever. He might as well just pack it up and go home… Alone…. If he is at home, well, it’s the couch… This panic this brings is close to the one he experiences when you ask, “Do you think my butt looks too big?” This is another question where he would rather cut his throat with a butter knife than face the consequence of the answer.
“I want to get married.” This is one that really throws him as it comes right out of nowhere. He thinks, “Well duh!” He already assumes marriage is “what” you want. He believes all women want to get married. He just doesn't want to hear it, at least not now. So you only have to notify him if this is NOT the case and marriage is not on your mind. You can talk to him about the “when” later. This is timing and again, a topic for yet another time.
Ok, don’t get your tail in a ringer so fast. Yes, this may be a mis-assumption on his part. As a woman, just because you hang out with him doesn’t mean you are that in to him… We know this. We just don’t want to hear it.
He might be, “just good enough for now” or “something to do until your hair dries” or “just friends”. As guys, we fear this but try hard not to believe it. We would rather settle for a “someone to do” than a “something to do”. Remember as long as we are “doing it”, we perceive the relationship to be “good”. And if the “relationship” is good, well let’s leave it alone.
“How do I look -- honestly?” Honestly, you look wonderful to him. That's why he's with you. Really! He doesn’t have the misgivings about you that you have about you. He would jump your bones right then and there if you would let him… You are not too short, you’re butts not too big and you’re thighs are just right…. These are your issues not his. He would not be with you if you didn’t “rock” his world. And “NO”, he doesn’t want to talk about it!
When men do take the time to talk it is to get things done or to synthesize information in order to get things done. They don’t want to talk about the relationship or your fears about the relationship. He doesn’t want to talk about where the relationship is going or where it’s been or where it should go. When your guy does talk, he will want to talk about things and doing things. In reality, if given a choice he just wants to do things… If you don’t have anything in mind to “do”, sex would “do” for a start… He would consider heavy breathing instead of talking or one syllable words like “Yessssss” than complete sentences. And well, you get the picture….
As for the relationship, remember in his mind if he didn’t love you he would not be there… If he didn’t want the relationship, he would leave. If he was not satisfied with you he would tell you. And no, he really doesn’t want to talk about your fears or his short comings…. That does not mean he will not be engaged in doing something about your fears and his short comings but remember your fears as yours and his short comings just may be perceived as YOUR perception.
But what about love you ask? In his mind you are with him and he loves you. Have sex with him and he will love you more… Conversely, if you don’t, he believes you don’t love him…. And if you don’t love him, the relationship is broken and you will leave…. How can he think this way? Well, if you are considering leaving he thinks you will want to TALK about the relationship. Why? Because it’s broken… Panic sets in. If his ego gets involved then it’s only slightly different. He says; if she doesn’t love me then why should I stay… If she is using me, I’m not staying. I’m out of here….
Men don’t get involved in a relationship for the “potential” of the other person…. They get involved because they like what they see and who you are. At least who they think you are. Women, men believe, want them for what they could be and what they have, not what or who they are. Where a woman may want her man to evolve and grow, all a man wants is for you not to change… To be the same person you were when the two of you first became involved and for you to keep what attracted him to you in the first place. Unfair, yes but true…
He believes all the attention and promises you made in the beginning will stay forever… He doesn’t look at himself as needing to smooth out his rough edges or change his friends. He believes you accepted him then so should accept him now… He is not a project in the making. So ladies, don’t look for potential in your guy. He may not live up to it. Either accept him or reject him on his merits of who he is now not who is could be “if only”. Conversely, be careful what you promise him or who you let him believe you are… He will hold you to your promise and feel deceived if you don’t….
Maybe it is all about plain old fashion “trust and respect” and you can’t give what you don’t have…. And the only way to get it is to give it. So again, as always, it’s all about you….. It’s not up to them…Don’t wait around for life to happen for it’s happening all around you….. Get involved, take some responsibility and you may just find you are not “doing it” alone. So what would you rather do; Talk about it or Do something about it…..?
If you chose “talk about it” then you might be in need of a girlfriend. But then again this is a male perspective……. “Doing something about it” leads to many possibilities…. Then again our mandate is a “call to action”. Isn’t it?
As always, it’s a choice…..Is it time to make yours? Nah, let’s just think about it and we can talk about it later….. Just kidding…. Until later………