The higher they get, the narrower they become and eventually one has to topple... They, Pedestals, CREATE HUGE EXPECTATIONS that are not meet-able when the cloud cover floats away, and the sun begins to emerge....
As for Infidelity - Sex and Smoking; are they on the same level? That is a personal dilemma. For me smoking is the gravest of all sins... go figure! Then again the most damaging of all, I believe, is Deceit and Mistrust...
Yet, we can draw any line in the sand… as we all know, it does not have to be reasonable.
Of course there is the issue of Respect or lack of it.. What has to happen, in either case, is the understanding that all is not about the other, it is about you...
If you smoke, it is about you... If you have sex with someone else, it is about YOU... It’s not about them..... It is not about the “other”. It is your responsibility. Therefore, if they smoke or have sex, it is about them, not you... The mistake is, we quickly return the favor...
Contrary to “political correctness, it is OK to have one’s own personal boundary. It’s just not OK to let others actions define YOU and consequently set your boundary for you. It is in that manner these boundaries become exclusive rather than inclusive…..
Can a relationship get passed Infidelity? Yes it can..... If it couldn't, most everyone would be divorced or split up at one time or another because Infidelity is not only Physical, it is Mental and Emotional as well.
Having sex is only one part of the equation. Constantly thinking about "someone" else and being devoted to "something" else, is Infidelity as well...
Being with one person when your heart, mind or soul is with another is also Infidelity... Sometimes we just don’t define it that way. As Bill Clinton so aptly showed us during his Presidency, definition is important.
Maybe honesty levels the playing field, as Infidelity may not be explained away as just an ACT.....
Sex is an ACT. Smoking is an ACT. They are both behaviors.... Now, is it an addictive behavior? Something that drives one and therefore a behavior that takes one away from the true intent of the RELATIONSHIP... that, I believe, is something else again and goes beyond behavior and into compulsion and addiction.
I find there are three ACTS that marriages/relationships take a huge hit on and ACTS very few relationships survive without severe damage, if at all... That is CHRONIC Abuse, CHRONIC Addiction, and CHRONIC Infidelity; the focus being on the Chronicity of the Behavior, not on the behavior itself.
Yes, we can get past BEHAVIORS, ours and others. The question is, can we get past EXPECTATIONS? Yes, we did cover that topic before. The Expectation to either be PERFECT or the EXPECTATION to fail..... The first leads us into great disappointment and the second into self fulfilling prophecy.....
It all seems so….. Messy, so…. Confusing, so….. Difficult. Yes, I do believe there is a path through all this.
The way through this mess is by honesty, commitment and truly focusing on the partnership.
Focusing on the others needs, while taking responsibility for our own.... I know, that is a big step - a huge step, as most of us judge by what is given to us and how others meet our wants and demands... We rarely judge on our responsibilities or lack of them.
While setting boundaries and expressing our needs, we it is important to focus on our partner. Giving to and nurturing the relationship; two being greater than the sum of its parts.... True, a Simple Idea but a HUGE Concept. A concept that appears to be forgotten in this day and age.
The question really is, “What do you want to do and How do you achieve it......?” It is "active" rather than "passive". Set in "action" rather than "wish fulfillment or blame".
What do you want to do...? What do you want to build...? Is it a loving relationship, a trusting friendship, a single life with companionship....?
We first have to identify what it is we want and second, define what we need to do to achieve it.... On this, couple’s need to be be on the same page or at least see/set a similar goal.
I Hope I have made some kind of sense but then again... it's me.... I don't always stay on that page..... The “sense” page that is. And as always, this is my spin...
I truly believe we have to fight for what is valuable to us.... A passive stance will not fulfill our wants, needs or desires. If we can’t, then we are filled with regret.... Life is too short to live on or with regrets....
We have to get beyond what Psychologists call PROJECTION. Not, what does it say about him or her but what does it say about YOU... It is your limits you have to understand not the others vulnerabilities.....
It seems we are at that point again…. The place where I say it is a choice… and as always, it truly is…..I’ve made mine…. It’s time to make yours….
Maybe it is time to stand up and be counted… To make a stand for something you believe in. Maybe it’s time to take Responsibility of YOU into the next room while checking your Expectations at the door. If you do, then there is no need for Pedestals, only Conversations…. And meeting others, eye to eye…..
Until later then… Ride a wide circle, toss a large loop and don’t hard dally to the horn. This Reservation Recluse has a Pow Wow to attend and you have some decisions to make….
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