Friday, April 4, 2014


Or How to Stay Single In Today’s World. Part ONE

It has been a few weeks since I have had anything float across my frontal lobes that warrant a discussion. For those of you who follow these muses I apologize. For others, it is probably a relief.

Today, all is about to change. It’s not that I have anything vital to share but what I have noticed may give food for thought. What’s that you say? Well, I have noticed a shift in what we use to call “dating” and I have become aware of a need to be “hooked up” no matter the cost. In the allure of pursuing this track, we get further away from the relationship we desire and closer to the single status, which is feared.

What I find is that the game is ageless, but today’s players are dealing with a few major misunderstandings. In my train of rambling thoughts, these misunderstandings come in the form of distortions. These distortions manifest themselves by an unwillingness to understand whom we are dealing with and an inability to maneuver the field of play. Here are a few basic, fundamental “rules and insights” many have forgotten and a few refuse to heed.

Wake up Call! Ya can’t hear the bell when your head is locked up in past relationships!

If your head remains in a continuous “cranial rectal inversion” and complicated by "rectal octosise", you will always see things from a “shitty” and distorted perspective. You need to hear the “POP”. You can’t play the “game” with your head stuck somewhere between your knees and your shoulders. It is not comfortable and the view is not becoming. Believe me, it is not prime property and as they say, it’s all in location, location, location…

So if it’s not somewhere in the past, where is it? It’s time to look at what you truly have and consider what you truly want. It may be time to throw away some old beliefs, distorted thoughts and challenge some old behaviors... Game ON!

Distortion Number ONE! SEX! When it comes to dating in today’s world, sex may interest him but it won’t keep him. News Flash: It's not necessary to be prettiest girl on the block. Yes really! Have you ever known anyone who actually thought they were the “prettiest girl” on the block? Ok, no it’s not her! Yes, we all know her. She is lost somewhere between Middle School and Sophomore Year. The object of her affection is also reliving the excitement of "his" last senior year All Conference play- off... Take it from me, they are not the norm. Yet, they are often the individuals we compare ourselves too.

Distortion Number TWO! Believe it or not, sex and the perfect body won’t get or keep the object of your desires. Being the three-hole punch he can pick up at Staples may be good for a quick night in a low cost motel, a cold car behind the local bar or a hot encounter under the stadium at the city football field, but there's a lot more to it. Yes, we guys are shallow but let’s face it; we are not stupid.

Ok, maybe that’s a perceptual issue but take a few minutes and look at this situation from a guy’s perspective. No, it’s not how big your boobs are either. Contrary to many women, we do look in other directions… And No, it’s not all wrapped up in a vertical sweep or a brain dead gaze.
Distortion Number Three! One of the biggest mistakes women make in the “relationship game” is when they make it all about them. Yes, you heard me right. It’s not all about you! Not everything is “wrapped up” in your feelings or your perceptions, even your perceptions about us.

OK, you are right! It’s not all about us either. So if it’s not about either of us, what is it about?

Let’s review the basics. What do you really need to know and remember about guys? You may have some difficulty believing what you are about to read but give it some thought. Don’t automatically discard it … Think about it; even if it challenges some of what you believe we, as men and women, should have evolved though and into by now. You even might consider applying some of it. If you do, the next problem you may encounter might be how to get RID of him. And yes, that leads us into a whole other topic for yet another time.

Since this is not rocket science, let’s take a shot in the dark…. No pun intended…

Rule Number One: He is a guy and you are a girl. That’s a new concept isn’t it?

Now before you get all gathered up and your tail in a ringer, one is not better than the other but we have to remember there is a difference. We are not to confuse the two. That confusion appears to be one of the problems. Rule number one states: Guy’s don’t want to date their best friend. They want to “hang” with them. I know, for some of you females that’s a touchy concept.

Before I offend too many sophisticated Women and Men out there, I’m talking about males who still like being a guy and females who are not afraid to be a girl. It’s dating for God’s sake, not high-level corporate negotiations and hostile takeovers… There is no room for political correctness in this rule, only acceptance of who we are.

Insight Number One: It doesn't matter how tough and machismo your guy is (or appears to be) – a guy does not want to be with a girl who makes him feel bad. Remember, everyone likes (and needs) to be valued. Whether you want to be a Friend or a Girl Friend, this insight fits both roles. Relationships are not the avenue to practice “being thick skinned” or for you to try out your next adult comedy routine.

Rule Number Two: Good grooming is vital. Let’s make that a given! It’s that important. This doesn’t mean you have to go overboard. Barbie and Ken are not popular in the real world either.

Guy’s, dirt and grease may be becoming sometimes but showers won’t melt anyone, really! And for you women, don’t get carried away. You don’t want to appear untouchable. If you do, he won’t. Touch that is, at least not you. Guys don’t want perfection, we just don’t want you to look and smell like our best hunting buddy. That means the nose hair has to go and smelling like a girl is important. Remember this; femininity goes a long way on a female. We just don’t like it on the guy who is rolled up in the sleeping bag next to us.

Insight Number Two: A little femininity goes a long way…Remember... If it walks like a duck and looks like a duck, it probably is a duck…. Guys like girls who are secure with who they are and they like a girl to be a girl. You don’t have to act like a guy to be his girlfriend…. The fact is we don’t want you to. We need you to compliment us, not complete us or compete with us. As I have stated before, a little femininity will take you a long way in the “relationship game”.

Rule Number Three: Allow a Guy to Be a Guy – Don’t Woosiefy him... No, I don’t mean you have to let him run all over you and I don’t mean that he should be allowed to treat you like one of the guys or like a discarded second-class citizen. If you enjoy being a girl, you don’t want that either. Let him be the man he has lived all his life to be.

Just remember, he isn’t one of the Girls even if you want to be one of the Guys… Men and women think differently. Take refuge in the difference. Remember, it’s good to be included but you don’t want to be passed over and overlooked. You don’t want to fit in so well he forgets you are a girl. Trust me, he knows the difference and he is looking for a girlfriend not a “best friend” who looks like a girl. Or heavens forbid, a girl who walks like his best Friend Bubba.

Insight Number Three: It doesn't matter if he "likes to watch Tara Banks" or admits that he likes the feel of your silk underwear. A guy wants and needs to feel like a man. The minute you start controlling him like his mother or putting rules on things such as his weekend softball game, poker night, or riding his Harley, he's likely to build up resentment. Don't rag on him when he wants to hang out with his buddy’s or lounge on the couch watching football for a few hours. Just let him be. Respect who he is, not who you want him to be. If who he is, is not who you want him to be - MOVE ON. It won’t work now. It won’t work later…

Rule Number Four: Be Respectful – Remember, guys will choose respect over love every time. We are all for girl power, but sometimes strong-minded "alpha women" don't recognize when they are drawing a line in the sand they are engaging their guy in conflict. The age-old battle of the sexes is a war you don’t want to win, unless you want to be planning your next dinner engagement alone. He will disengage. If he doesn’t, you don’t want to hang around. This type of engagement is a formula for disaster. True, some find it fun, but it is neither safe nor healthy.

Insight Number Four: Picking on a guy is enjoyable or humorous. Guy bashing may be popular and fun, but constantly dissing him with subtle put downs, especially in front of others, is a huge hit. It is a blow to the ego that has its consequences. Even if you're just trying to get a laugh, with no intention to hurt, teasing and joking at his expense will back fire.

Rule Number Five: Give Compliments... It doesn’t hurt to stoke his ego every now and then. No… Not like his mother, like his lover and girlfriend. You enjoy hearing how fantastic you look and how creative you are. Guess what? Guys need compliments and praise too! Whether you admire the way he handles himself at a party, treats his sister or how he looks in his Levi’s, let him know.

Insight Number Five: Always keeping those positive thoughts to yourself can keep him at a distance. You don't need to smother him with atta-boys, but an occasional comment about what you like goes a long way. If you “like” the way he stands up for you, let him know. He needs to know you have chosen to be with him for a reason. He needs to know you like him, for not only what he does but also the character of whom he is…

We have covered a lot in a short period. I know it’s enough to gag some of you. I don’t expect you to be comfortable with all of it but I would like you to give it some consideration. Implement some of the rules and insights. See what happens. How does he respond?

This is a two-part rant. The other half will be continued next time. The break will give you some time to explore. As I’ve said before, this is not rocket science. It is just understanding a different point of which to view. There is a difference between the sexes and in relationships, that is still important, even in today’s age and confused society.

Being aware that the differences between the sexes is an attractant. How to use it is art and to be good at your craft takes practice.

So until next time…. Be more of who you are and less of what you can be. It will surprise you with who you will become. Remember, Rules are but a guide and Insights the food for better choices. This Reservation Recluse will say so long for now. We are but the choices we make.

I have made mine, now go ahead and make yours…

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