Something Appropriate

STRESS – Or How To Make An Eight Second Ride.

Ok, twist my arm! I will do something appropriate but it is going to be boring. I would rather talk about relationships, choices, decisions, or sex but it is the Holiday Season.   Christmas and New Years are just around the corner and we have all heard of the “STRESS” this time of year can bring. Or at least the “STRESS” we are supposed to have… It’s like an eight-second ride during Frontier Days at the Cheyenne Rodeo. Intense, filled with passion, expectation and sometimes the best we can do is to hang on.

This time of year brings out the “best” in us, as people. We assess where we have gone wrong throughout the year and pledge to do better next year. We take an inventory of where we have been “good” or “bad” and hope that the person reviewing the list will believe the old adage that “when we are good we are very good but when we are bad, we are marvelous”. Ok, so just a little “bad”… I’ll be good... I promise…. Really! Well, maybe not… Just a few more seconds left until that whistle blows…. Hang on…

Everyone knows this time of year triggers the chaos of last-minute gift buying, binge eating, hangovers, and general gatherings of friends and family. It is the “season” to be Jolly, if not just a little hung over. The problem lies in the manner in which many people handle their stress. Their coping often leads to more stress. I.e. eating, drinking, smoking, drug use and extra relationship sex, Ok, enough of the positive aspects of “Christmas Office Parties”… That again, is yet another story for yet another time...

What many don’t know is chronic stress can lead to severe health problems and the development of illnesses ranging from migraines to heart disease. People who suffer from chronic stress become easily agitated, irritable and develop a variety of “body” problems which include but are not limited to difficulty sleeping, weight gain, stomach problems, general muscle aches , depression and anxiety… The list continues. Many people find they have difficulty sleeping, concentrating and they exhibit a decrease in memory skills… Stress can do all these things and this time of year adds multiple layers to these stressors.

So, if what I am saying is even slightly true, how can we manage this stress? How can we keep the Stress Wolf from our door and keep him from feeding upon our good nature? How can we manage stress more effectively? Or do we just need to hang on and get through the “eight minute ride”? Like riding that bull during Frontier Days in Cheyenne, Wyoming, it is most effective if we become an active participant. We can’t predict all the twists and turns of life but we can influence the ride, reducing the chances of negative results and increasing the chances of coming through it healthy and in one piece.

The most productive way, is to reduce its effects. And the most effective manner to manage Holiday Stress is through diet. Yes, I am talking about a healthy eating plan plus a few extras… Ok, not rocket science but effective…

• Eating a balanced diet, it is essential. This means a high protein, low carbohydrate, low fat, low sugar, and high fiber diet. Proper nutrition is essential to minimize cravings and help you “not” over indulge. Difficult this time of year but it is also essential. Take control of what goes in your mouth.

• Exercise is next… yes, that’s right. You have to stay active and keep your arms and legs moving. Sitting in your favorite chair, eating that turkey sandwich, or draining your 5th bourbon or scotch does not count. Your brain needs to release chemicals that enhance your mood and relieve stress. Twenty minutes of aerobic exercise will accomplish this, over indulging in alcohol or food will not. Make the time to exercise, and then do it. You will be glad you did.

• Sleep… Yes, you heard me right... Sleep. Most of us do not get enough of it and the sleep we get is often not rested. The body and brain cope better when they are rested and renewed. Research says that the average adult needs between 7 and 9 hours of down time to feel adequately rested. This rest also needs to be consistent… You can’t make up for lost sleep. So, party all night and sleep all day does not work…. Really…!

• Focus on relaxation and meditation for both your brain and body. Stretching and breathing exercises are vital… Remember to concentrate on this during a time when you have no distractions of interruptions…. Again, make the time. The result will be a more relaxed you, coupled with an overall sense of well being.

• Manage your priorities and “honey-do” lists, even the lists that “Your Honey Doesn’t Do”. You can’t be everything to everybody, especially during the Holiday Season… Everyone is going to want a piece of you and you are going to want to give a slice to everyone. Determine what is important to you. You are going to have to say “NO” to some things, some people, and some engagements.

• The most important but often the most over looked is “YOU”. Make time for you. You make time for everyone else. At some point during the day take a few minutes to get away from demands and distractions. Take a warm bath. Read a good book. Listen to some favorite tunes… The important thing is to feed a small part of you that has been neglected… It doesn’t take long but it needs to be done. And YES, you do have the time if you exercise one thing… Say “NO”… Remember there is only 24 hours in the day and stress takes its toll, even good stress.

Ok, enough is enough. This Reservation Recluse is going to take a little “me” time. Selfish I know but also important. Remember that this Season is a time for giving, sharing, and counting the good things in life… We all have them and if we really open our eyes and allow ourselves to focus, we will see them. Even in times of STRESS. Therefore, as you reach out to others, in these next few weeks, don’t forget you… Without you, there would be no others.

I know, it’s all a choice and sometimes choice is difficult. Choice makes us accountable and responsible… Sometimes we just have to LIVE and living means being active... Now is a good time to be active, now is a good to live.… As this past year ends and a new one begins, look at how far you have come. Take a good look at the accomplishments you have made. Some were not easy. Others came without too much pain or effort. They all are important. We all make this journey, sometimes we do not take the time to notice. Now is the time to take that time, the time to count ones blessings and take control of you. Remember the eight-second ride. We all take it. Let’s do it with style, focus, and intent.

Maybe it’s a good day after all… Until later... As a little ole man in a Red Suit once said, “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good … a good….” Well, you get the picture…. Tomorrow is a new dawn and with the light comes vision… Sometimes all it takes to see is to open one’s eyes…

You right... It’s all a choice. I’ve made mine… Are you going to make yours? It could be you already have and right now, well, you are watching the paint dry… And that my deep eyed, energetic friend, is a good day after all!

Bah Humbug

Or there is nothing like a Blue, Blue Christmas…

Do you find that your mood is taking a dip? Do you find yourself off course and then feel like you are in a tail spin with a nosedive straight to hell? Do you find that you do not want to get out of bed until noon and that’s if you are in a good mood? That right around Thanksgiving do you find you are not your best friend and others are questioning if they should give your spot on the bowling league to someone else?

Do you find yourself lacking in the self-discipline needed to get things done you really need accomplished? Do you describe what is happening to you as a “blue funk”, “cabin fever” or heaven forbid the terrible “holiday depression” and you question if you really did shoot Santa last night and bury his Elves in the back yard?

Do you find yourself complaining about the commercialization of the Holidays and yet you don’t have the energy “not” to eat the cookies someone left at work, even if they were Snowmen and Christmas Trees and God forbid you find yourself trying to find your car in a Wal-Mart parking lot. Do you find yourself with a headache and body aches that don’t go away, even after consuming three fingers of good bourbon while hanging out at your local Sports Bar?

Do you find that the pull for a good toddy takes frontal stage or that you just want to pull the covers over your head and wait it out until March? No, you’re not the spawn of Scrooge McDuck and you are not “losing it”. It just may have to do with less hours of day light. Did you know that December is the month with the least amount of daylight hours?

So what does this have to do with everything? Well, it just may add up to what some call Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD.

Not that sad really explains it. It is more like grouchy, irritable, and tired mixed with an awesome craving for simple carbohydrates. Yes, the attack of Christmas Brownies, Sugar Cookies and even the dreaded Fruitcake and for many, increased trips to the Chiropractor and local masseuse. To top things off, your friends and family are asking you for your Christmas Wish List and all you wish is to be left alone….

If you were actually honest you would tell them that 1) you want to be LEFT ALONE, 2) you want to be like a bear and hibernate for three more months, and 3) you’re voting to move Christmas and New Years to somewhere in late July and early August. During your “up time” you make the public announcement that no one is getting gifts this year and you don’t even want any cards so DON’T send any..

You pronounce they are just a waste of time, money and energy; besides you have text messaging and e-mail… that should be enough. It’s time people get into the electronic age! Or not. Ouch! This time of year really hurts! Or at least it can. Not only do you have to face triggers of past events, last years losses and present conditions where you may not be with “family” or lost in finding the perfect Christmas, you may have SAD to face as well..

So what can be done when all one wants to do is pull the covers over ones head and wait until spring?

Well, first of all we have to define what is really going on. If you are actually experiencing SAD then you are experiencing what many consider a sub-category of major depression. It is characterized by a pattern of “onset” and “remission” which are linked to the seasonal changes. Whoa! What does this mean? Well, the most common explanation is a winter “funk” which occurs in the fall and continues until spring.

Is there any way we can help prevent this attack on our mood and behavior? What remedies, if any, have been found to be effective? This too needs more research but some have found that the following to take the edge off.

• Daily vitamin with magnesium, B complex, and minerals
• Elimination of caffeine
• Reduction of alcohol consumption
• Stress management program
• Elimination of refined sugars and flours
• Walking or aerobic exercise
• Saint John's Wort
• Mustard Flower Essences
• Herbal remedies – ask you local health food store for information
• Spending 30 minutes each day in the fresh air (in the sunlight if the weather permits),
• Light therapy – full spectrum (Light, whether it is natural or artificial, is essential in your well being)
• Low fat diet, with minimal protein

The Holidays are meant to be enjoyed. It is a time of year to focus on giving to others and letting those who are important to us know their value. It is the time to let others close and embrace the essence of who we and they really are. It is a time to take of care ourselves and be open to the goodness of others. It is time to count our blessings instead of our troubles and a time to do something about whatever steals the joy from us this time of year.

So if you identified yourself in any of the above you don’t have to wait until Spring. The first step is knowledge. You have that. Second, try some of the above remedies. They won’t hurt… they may even help…

Remember, you are not alone. Now go out and …… No, I am not going to quote Dr. Laura……… So, go make a Snow Angel. Get some light. As the Duke would often say, “We’re burning daylight pilgrim”.

And to all….. Have a Happy Holiday Season and a Very Merry Christmas…

Get Over It Or Die Pissed Off

Now that’s a statement isn’t it? When something doesn’t go just right or something is not the way you really intended or someone really disappointed you… have you ever said to yourself, “Well, I guess I am going to have to get over it or Die Pissed Off?”

No, not really? Well, maybe you ought to give it some hard thought.

True, the emotion can be “sad”, “worried”, “afraid”, “controlling”, even “disappointed”. It can be any of the “feelings” we all have. There are hundreds of them but the ones that really get us into trouble and the ones that truly take us to our grave are the Major Four Disabling Emotions that cause the majority of human upset; ANGER, DEPRESSION, ANXIETY and INADEQUACY.

These are the FOUR HORSESMAN that ride our misery and cause the majority of our major emotional problems; these emotional problems then drive our behavior and affect our lives in a truly major way. So why do we hold on to them so frantically? Why is it so hard to “Get over it”? By now you know I am all about “choice”. That the decisions we make in our lives and the manner in which we hold ourselves accountable make “huge” differences in what we do, how we feel and what we think.

What if it was truly your choice to “get over it” or stay caught in that vortex until you do… And that if you don’t, you would truly take it to your grave. Would you make that choice and then do what is necessary to make it “right”? I know, it’s not all that easy but maybe it is possible… sometimes it is all about decision and the choice to take the “high” road for self and others. Sometimes it is all about just “letting it go”.

What would happen if you did not harbor the resentments you have held for so long? What would happen if you decided to do something about the situation you are in instead of worrying about what might or is going happen sometime in the future. What would happen if you seriously looked at what you can do rather than what you can’t do? What would happen if you focused on solutions rather than all that hinders you? What would happen if you decided to reach out to the person who angers you rather than reminding yourself why you are angry and how they mistreated you in the first place...

What would happen if you just let it go…? What would happen if you just “got over it”?

Sometimes we face the enemy and the enemy is ME….. Sometimes, the face in the mirror is the one we need to make amends with. Sometimes, yes sometimes, all we have to do is get up on the other side of the bed. Do something different today…..

So until next time…. Give it some thought…. I know, I know! It’s all about choice…. You’ve made yours and now I have to make mine….

I think this Reservation Recluse is going to exercise his right to choose! So until next time… give it a try. You may like the results….

And remember, keep your silhouette off the ridges and ride with a full canteen when you find you have to cross the desert…. Maybe it’s time to take a calculated risk…….

Thrive or Survive

I have come to understand that there is a big valley between what I FEEL and what I DO. Often I DO what I don’t FEEL like doing. I guess it is what DR LAURA says on her show… “Now, go out and DO the RIGHT thing”. Sometimes doing the “right thing” is difficult and I am not sure if DOING may just be “blindly” following or “stepping” off the edge of some cliff...

I guess it all comes down to not the “what” but the “how” and not the “if” but the “when”. If all is filtered, the WHEN is best served “fresh” and that is NOW. And just because I make a “committed decision” doesn’t mean I don’t have an opinion. And maybe doing the “right thing” is just the beginning and has little to do with what or how you “Feel”.

Boy, Is that a mouth full? Does it make any type of sense? Well, maybe it does.

I was told the other day that there appears to be a theme running through most of these writings. That theme is one of survival. When I was first told this I thought, “That’s not bad”. Then I began to realize that survival was not enough. What I wanted was to “THRIVE”. If I wanted that, then maybe others did as well.

What does it mean to thrive? For me, that word is FULL of responsibility and accountability. It means talking it to the next level. It means turning it up a notch. It means you are getting somewhere. You are not JUST SURVIVING. You are LIVING. You are GROWING. You are BUILDING. YOU are fully ENGAGGED.

Why does that happen you might ask? The answer, BECAUSE; because you are engaged in the HOW. How do I make a better life for my children? How do I survive the loss of the person I thought I loved? How do I pay next weeks rent/mortgage? How do I gain a better career? How do I gain better understanding of those I care about and who care about me? How do I maintain stability when all about me is in crises and chaos? How do I become a better father, son, daughter, wife, mother, lover, boss or employee?

The How’s are endless and the methods are varied. If the How is really served FRESH, it means you are involved today. You are involved RIGHT NOW. You are putting nothing off until tomorrow. Even if it is frightening, even if you do not KNOW the outcome; you do what you can today. You do what you can NOW.

Thrive is an action verb. It is not a destination. It is not a verb of past tense. It is not something someone else does. It is something you DO. Thrive is not a perception. It is total immersion.

Do you want to SURVIVE or do you want to THRIVE. The question is yours and the Answer? Well, that’s yours too. I’ve chosen mine. Now as the good Dr. Laura would say, go out and “do the right thing”.

“. . . Nothing under heaven can arrest the progress of the human soul on its long pilgrimage from darkness to light, from the unreal to the real, from death to immortality, and from ignorance to wisdom.”

--Alice A. Bailey

“Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.”

-- Dalai Lama

Few Things Come Without Effort

Or You Can't Sit On Your Laurels And Get Results!

One of the most widely kept secrets in life is that “few things come without effort”. I know, I hate to burst your protective bubble but it is true. You can’t just sit on your laurels or anyone else’s for that matter and get any results.

Effort is the key to any success. This goes for being “thin” as well. What may seem like effortless living for some, in most situations, it just “isn’t”.

If you don‘t believe me, follow someone around for a day and do exactly as they do. Do what they do, eat what they eat, be involved in what they are and do it with the intensity that they do it. We usually want their results but we do not want to make the “effort” or “change” that comes along with it.

Consequently, we fall back into our old habits and “do” what ever it was that got us into the present condition in the first place. We often want what “others” have but we are not willing to do what “others” do to achieve the same results. Being thin can be one of those.

Sadly, being overweight in America is becoming the norm. This ranges from a few pounds overweight to morbidly obese. In our society very few families are left unaffected and for some reason women struggle with this issue more than men.

No matter what the balances of statistics are, it is safe to say that “something” is wrong.

Thousands of people go on “diets” everyday and thousands of people give up because the “change” is just too difficult. We focus not on doing “something” but on “deprivation”. Maybe that is why our body fights back and we lose the battle. Because if the battle of deprivation was won, we would die and our body is programmed to live no matter the cost...

Maybe some of that spring board, back and forth behavior can be avoided with some simple understanding of how our body is “programmed”, what our body needs and what minor behavioral changes can affect “long term” results.

What does a healthy body need? Well, this Reservation Recluse was always taught that the body needed 1) sleep, 2) exercise, 3) nutrition and 4) water….

Science reinforces what our mothers and grandmothers said.

Yes, you do need to eat good meals. You do need to go out and play and you do need to get a good nights rest. I am not sure about the mittens and hat or if guys will really go blind performing some mindless, hormonal driven act but what if we did focus on the first three dictums? That doesn’t sound too difficult does it? And how would that affect our weight?

Well, when we deprive out body of sleep, lots of things happen or don’t happen. One thing that happens is our body gets out of sinc with itself and the sleep deprivation causes an inbalance in our hormones. Interestingly enough, two of those hormones are responsible for our appetite. One hormone is responsible for increasing the appetite and the other for decreasing the appetite.

When we don’t get enough rest, one level goes up and the other down. The result? We are hungrier. Consequently we eat more and we spend the day like a Great White Shark, searching the environment for food and devouring everything in sight...

It may not seem like it but just losing sleep can contribute to you gaining weight.

One simple solution: Get between 7-9 hours of sleep per night. You will find yourself less hungry and inadvertently eating less. Your body will also burn the calories more efficiently. Burning the candle at both ends increases stress and deprives you from need healing, and rejuvenating rest. The consequence, for many, is significant weight gain.

If you find you have difficulty getting to sleep at night, start an exercise program in the morning.

Interestingly enough, morning exercise helps you sleep better at night. It also starts your day burning calories instead of storing fat. It helps reduce kick starting cravings that can drive you throughout the day. Exercise is also an appetite suppressant. You just eat less.

No, I am not going to lecture you about eating meals but I am going to let you know that if you want to remain healthy, you have to eat and eat regularly. If you want to lose weight, again, you have to eat regularly. The key is to eat, not deprive or starve yourself.

You all know what not to eat. You have been told over and over again what is bad for you so I am not going to reinforce that concept. Many of us have been told what not to do all of our lives. It has not worked before. It’s not going to work now. So, what do we need to do? What do we need to eat?

You got it; Fiber and Protein….

If we compare fiber and protein to fat and carbohydrates, the staple of our American Fast Food diet, it is simple. Protein takes longer to digest and helps us feel full longer. It is satisfying. As for the fiber, well it’s good at absorbing water and cleaning our intestines.

Simply, as fiber expands it creates bulk helping you feel full. This creates less room to fill with other things. The secret here goes back to one of the four basic needs… this one being water…. Yes, water…. 8-12 glasses per day by somes standards….. Water and fiber.

Our body is primarily made up of water. Our cells need it to function adequately and so does our brain…

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand we need it. It also helps us lose weight. Without it, our body does not function adequately and it starts to shut down. When our body begins to shut down, it stores things…

As our internal furnace slows down, our metabolisms drops…. Our body begins to believe it is going to die so it begins to defend itself the best way it knows how. You walk past a piece of chocolate cake and presto. You gain 20 ponds. You can’t understand it. You have not eaten hardly anything and you continue to gain or at best do not lose.

Simple things, like water and sleep are important. Simple things, like not depriving your body of what it needs to function appropriately. Simple things, make huge differences.

If all you do is make the before mentioned changes in your schedule of daily events, you will experience significant results and more than likely start shedding a few pounds. Sleep, food and water equal weight loss.

Add a half an hour of physical play or exercise to your day and you increase your alertness, improve your attitude, increase your energy and improve your health. Not bad consequences for just a few minor, healthy, behaviors.

Research also shows us that variety is not always the best. No, I am not talking about eating cottage cheese everyday for the rest of your life. Variety is good when it comes to meals and food groups but it is deadly when it comes to snacks. We find that the greater the options, the greater the appetite.

Therefore, if you keep less variety of snack foods around the house the better off you will be and the less your appetite will be triggered.

The same theory goes for night-time snacking and eating.

We also find that eating in well-lit environments actually cuts down on our caloric intake. We eat less as we pay attention more. So, when you find yourself in front of that fridge at 2:00 am, the door in one hand and a piece of chocolate cake in the other…. Turn on the lights…. Make a deliberate choice.

The same goes for restaurants. The more light, the less consumed.

Ok, so this sounds more like mind games than choices. Well, maybe you are right. Mind games can be important too. After all, your body plays games with your mind. Like it takes a full 20 minutes for your body to tell your mind it has had enough….

One thing you can do with this “Three Card Monte” game with weight, is to keep snacks out of sight…. another is to serve your food on smaller plates. It makes it look like you are treating yourself, rather than keeping food from you. People usually eat a little over 90% of what is on their plate….

Smaller plate, less intake, larger plate, more intake. You do the math. Try eating out of an eight inch plate instead of your normal twelve inch dinner plate…. It may surprise you.

People also feel less deprived when they see their plate full rather than half empty…. Yes, perceptions are half the game….

Tell yourself what you are going to do and what you can have, rather than what you can’t do and what you are not having. Wrap your perception around who you are and then “be”. It keeps you in the moment and takes many unhealthy choices off your “plate”.

Did you know that vegetables are a dieter’s best buddy? Sure you did. You hear it all the time. No, I don’t mean you have to eat salads every day. I mean when you eat, eat vegetables with your meal. Most people consume about 20% less calories when they eat a serving of vegetables with their meal and they feel satisfied.

What I talking about is only 4-5 cups of this fresh stuff per day, not 5 gallons. Make it a treat, make it an experience rather than a chore and you will start to see and feel results. Throw in a handful of berries during the day and you will be pleased with how easy it has been to do what you have not been able to do before…

Why, because it is not about dieting, it is about maintaining your health and not focusing on either your weight or food.

It’s about doing what you have to do to have the energy, focus and attitude to be actively involved in your own life; whether it is playing with your children, going for walks, staying awake at work or not being too tired to have sex with your latest squeeze. I know that can be a chore but that is a totally different topic for yet another day. I promise…  Really!

Last but not least. If you are the cook at your house, eat with the rest of the family and refrain from “picking” while you are cooking. Make a conscious effort to sit down and eat with the family.

AS for cleaning up…. Well, the last few bites left of the casserole need not go into your stomach…. Get the left over’s into containers quickly and way... If there is not enough for you to save, that’s what garbage cans are for. If you can’t bear to-do that, then get someone else to put the food away…

Thousands of calories are consumed in this fashion and most of them go around your waist, your thighs and your ass. Ok, ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies… Either put those calories in the fridge or in the garbage…. Believe me, your ass will be grateful.

Also, remember that eating is good. It is enjoyable and it is needed to be healthy.  It is also needed to lose weight. So, eat when and where it is best for you. 1) make time to eat, 2) eat in well lit spaces, 3) sit down to eat, 4) sit down at the family table to eat - your family will enjoy you, 5) eat more fiber and protein, 6) eat breakfast, lunch and dinner, 7) eat veggies and berries, 9) eat slowly, 10) eat before you crave. 11) eat more fresh and less canned.

Last, be aware of your sugar intake, sugar is not your friend…. Though it does not have to be an enemy…. Blood sugars need balance.

What we are talking about are simple life choices… Choices, that when they are made, result in natural consequences of health.

It’s that time again to say it is all about choice; your choice. But realize that no choice is also a choice.

If I could challenge you to one thing, I would challenge you to “BE”. Not as a noun but as a verb, an action word. When you are fully engaged in Being you are truly living in the present and actively involved in YOU. You are not waiting around for something to happen or for things to change. You just are. Maybe you are already who you desire to be and all that you need, is to act that way.

Until later… get some sleep, drink water, play at least once a day and feed both your mind and your body.

It’s good for the soul…… and terrific for your health….

Buns of Steel Or a 50 Pound Ass'et: Part Two

It's Your Choice

Ok, so you know what works and you are willing to give it a “try”. You are right, I did not say, “do”, so you are not really all that committed but it is a start…. And a start is all we need when we are looking at a “change”- a change in habit, a change in activity, a change in perception and a change in health… Yes, a LIFE STYLE change…

Last week we talked about “what works” and generally “how” to get there. We discussed portion size and concluded that “palm size” portions can be a good measurement when judging what to and what not to put into your stomach… Remember, when your stomach starts to tell you that you are hungry, less that a palm full is not enough and over a palm full is TOO much…

Below are some Examples of palm size portions: They are general so keep this in mind. You still need to use your judgment.

Example of palm size portions:

• Half a sandwich not a foot-long sub
• 10 chips not a 10 oz bag
• 1 cup of cooked pasta not a half of a 16 oz package
• A small burger not a big Mac or whooper
• Three heaping tablespoons of ice cream not a pint or even a cup.

General good rules:

• Eat often and early
• Don’t skip meals
• Exercise
• Limit snacks to 110 calories per day
• Take a multivitamin
• Give yourself permission to eat
• Don’t eat sugar by itself… slow the digestion and obsorbtion by drinking a glass of milk or eating a slice of cheese

To summarize, eat early and often. Don’t make the mistake of eating five course meals. Have cereal for breakfast, fruit, and yogurt for a mid morning snack, half a sandwich for lunch the other at mid afternoon and a modest size dinner. One that fits in your hand….

I know this may be difficult at first, as it does not seem to be that much food. What you are doing is cutting down on the amount you eat at one sitting, spreading the intake around so your system does not “crave” and feel “deprived”. You eat when your are hungry or to keep from getting “famished”. The result is you are satisfied and do not binge later, consuming all you see. You eat to LIVE not live to EAT. You change a focus…. A mental mind set… and yes, you can do it.

It is time to relax the “restriction” against certain off limit foods. Foods like fat. Your body needs and craves fat. And this is especially true for women. Studies find that women who cut their fat intake by half find their dispositions take a dive. They get angrier, moodier, and more hostile - instead of cutting out all fat, focus on the good fat, the monounsaturated type. As long as you do not eat over 30% of your caloric intake in fat you will be ok. If your concern is sugar, do not eat it by itself.

To avoid the roller coaster affect of a sugar surge, nibble on something that slows digestion such as a slice of cheese with an apple, drink glass milk with the cookie or a little yogurt with the raspberries… Stay away from diet drinks as they just make you crave sugar more, hence more pounds.

Give yourself permission to eat – The key here is moderation and by eating smarter, you will out smart your female fatigue and your fat cells. The key is to eat less more often and exercise more…. As for the handful measuring cups, there are exceptions… Three handful of lettuce equals one and a good size bowl of soup equals one.

Remember when your stomach is empty the primary directive is to eat. It is needed to fill your energy and refuel your body…. IF YOU DON’T REFUEL WITHIN 30 MINUTES OF THESE SIGNALS YOUR BOOLD-GLUCOSE LEVEL PLUMMETS. This can cause headaches, heartburn, nausea, and irritability. Consequently, when you do stop to eat you can’t help but to overdo it.

If you are one who keeps on a revolving diet, maybe what you need is a life style change not a diet. Studies find that any diet works if you stick with it and if you cut your caloric intake by 700 calories, you will more than likely lose 15 pounds in 6 month and be able to keep it off. The key is staying on it and that means a life style change…

Recent studies say the best way to lose weight is to cut your food intake… Next, they will be telling us that exercise builds muscle and stronger bones…. Go figure... I wonder what these studies will show us next?

As always, it’s a choice…. Are you willing to make yours…? If you are not satisfied with how you look. If you are not satisfied with how you feel. Maybe it’s time for a change. If you are willing to make a life style change, what better time is there than now? Taking control of your eating habits and your exercise habits is the first step on that journey towards living the life you want.

Now is the time to KISS, to Keep It Simple Stupid…. Over complicate things and it is just too hard to keep it going and a Life style change means KEEPING IT GOING. If you are like most people, the Stupid part is just an excuse… A reason to not START or a reason to not SUCCEED.

I believe you can succeed, if you want. You can change your life style, if you want. You can do about anything, if you want. The choice is yours… but with want comes responsibility and commitment… Are you prepared to make those to YOU...?

As for now, this reservation recluse is heading for a “palm” full of M&M’s… Ok, maybe it should be pistachios…. It is a choice… Maybe you had no choice in the hand you were dealt? Maybe genetics have taken you hostage, yet you do have choice about what you are going to do about it and how to play your hand…. You do have a choice in HOW you are going to LIVE your life. I did not say it was easy, just that you had a choice. And as you know, I am all about choice.

So until next time… Eat what you want, when you want, how much you want and become the person those three horseman lead you to become…. What, When and HOW is all in your vocabulary, in hands, and your ability… therefore, so are YOU.

Pay attention to the Trail, don’t ride the ridges, and keep a low profile on the horizon… It’s a dangerous world out there.

The Static of Life...

Those of us who have been around a while, often come to the realization that the “static” of life can get overwhelming, the demands become too much and we find that instead of making "the difficulty choices",  we find ourselves trying to please...   That placing one foot  in front of the other seems to drag the other back and instead of getting further ahead, we find ourselves dragging our behind....  Sound familiar?

Sometimes we just need to find ourselves alone with our own thoughts, on our own time, in our own space..   This is easier said than done as the world often comes crashing in with a vengeance and we “find” that time is allusive.

It is vital that we find “time” for ourselves.  To find that time to listen to our own sense of self.  To pay attention to our own needs, our own wants and our own dreams...  Maybe it is important to pay attention to ourselves; to reconnect with what is important.  Maybe it is important to hear one’s own voice in the wind and take the time to revitalize our mind, our body and our spirit...  

Maybe it is important to reconnect with who we were and more importantly who we are as we grow into who we will be..

Sometimes, it helps to put yourself in natures care.  Things do not seem so gigantic then.  I find The ocean makes one realize how insignificant our troubles can be in relation to the whole and the hot sand how significant a moment can be.

Earlier today I watched a young girl find her solitude on the early morning beach.  I felt as if I were intruding on her special time...  I gave her, her space and careful not to intrude, I made my way around another point.  It led me into a jungle covered path away from the beach.   Here too was solitude.  I realized that one could find peace of mind anywhere if given the opportunity.  The key was to identify it, acknowledge it, and then accept it.... 

On my return I walked past the point where I first saw the young girl...  In her place was a mermaid made of sand.   The water slowly washing away at the form and I wondered what figure was true...  And wondered what essence would transpire the next time I walked in solitude and found self in the Essences and Solitude  of another....

In order to keep true to our nature, we must keep true to ourselves... 

As I find myself far away from the Rocky Mountains I find that one can find that truth most anywhere, if one cares to look; in the Rocky Mountains, the jungle of a distant island or the golden beach of the Hawaiian sand...

I find there is significant truth in the saying, "No matter where you go, you have to take yourself along.." and, "If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there."

As you contemplate today’s journey, may you enjoy your own company and have a purpose in your travels...  So until tomorrow, this Reservation Recluse wishes you safe passage.  The decisions you make today will be the foundations of your tomorrow..  I have made mine, now go make yours…

Until later, Mahalo

Buns of Steel or a 50 Pound Ass'et: Part One

What works?

Weight... Even though we are becoming a Nation of Obesity, none of us have this as an issue, RIGHT, especially you females out there? I know, abs like washboards, buns of steel and an attitude that lets you walk through and over hot lava. For the rest of us, whether you have 5 pounds to take off your belly or 50 pounds off your ass'ett, most of us will engage in some sort of diet…

If you are like the majority of people in the country this will not be the first diet you have undertaken, so you have a decision to make. Do you have a plan that works for you or are you going to try something new, something different? Does that something have to do with burning fat, the appropriate mixture of foods, or the chemical combinations of fats, carbohydrates, and proteins? Your plan might even consider throwing in an exercise here and there, or NOT.

What works? What has worked for you? Do you have a favorite diet? For that matter what doesn’t work for you? No matter if you are the Diva of Diets or the Delectable Delight of Low Fat Deserts, diets seem to be in style. So what does present research say about diets? Do they work? Contrary to many, yes they do…. Is one diet better than the other? Contrary to popular belief, no there isn’t one better than another. The common denominator towards success is your ability to stay on one and being capable of changing a life style.

A recent study indicated no “significant” difference. This study was completed using one group who worked a low fat, low carbohydrate, high protein diet while the other group worked a high fat, moderate protein, moderate carbohydrate diet. The result was each group lost 15 pounds over 6 months and each group kept 12 pounds off over the year; hence, no difference… The only similarity was both groups ate approximately 700 calories less than they were use to and they “stuck to it”. I know, “sticking” to a Diet is a lot harder than having chocolate cake “stick” to your thighs. The only difference is that having someone eat chocolate cake off your thighs might be more fun. Ok, so you are not going to let him get that close until “thunder thighs” make the transformation to “buns of steel”. It’s still a thought though…. Ok, I’ll concede, not a very good one but give me a break, I’m a guy…….

So, what about exercise? Even though exercise is healthy, it is not the panacea for weight loss… The “dynamic duo” of exercise and fewer calories appear to make the most sense. AS for the caloric type, it does not appear to matter as long as you stick with it… Therefore, pick something that you can “live” with. Something that you can make a life style instead of something you feel trapped and abused by.
Even though there appears not to be a “right”, “best “diet there are some principles that appear to help.

One: Listen to your stomach. Feed it when it is hungry and stop when it is full. That means becoming aware of your body and your stomachs desire for food, not your brains. The answer lies in your hand. Less than a handful and you are not filling your stomach enough. More than a handful and you are filling it too much… That means the traditional 3 times a day 5 course meal is out! It gives way to over eating and sugar imbalances, which lead to binges and over eating. The same goes for “starvation central”. It will only get you the concentration, anorexia look and then a spring back to 10 more pounds than you started with; not a good vision! The Pillsbury Dough Boy or Girl is not our poster child…

Next week we will talk about general rules and examples of palm size portions. So until then you have some choices to make. Where do you want to be 6 months from now? Remember it has taken you years to put it on. It will take you more than a few weeks to take it off…. A life style change is not a DIEt. It is a LIVit…… Until later then…

Eat when you’re hungry, drink when your dry and make love when the opportunity arise, three things that one should never put off until tomorrow. Putting off until tomorrow only makes for regret and binge behaviors…

Until next week, this Reservation Recluse is going to refuel…. A palm full of jerky and three fingers of good bourdon – on the rocks… to hell with “shaken and not stirred”.

What Men Look for In Women - Part Two

Or Drawing to an inside straight, it’s not a perfect deal.

For years, it seemed men did not appreciate or value intelligent women. It made them toooo hard to control. In addition, men appeared to fear things they couldn’t understand or manage… Heaven forbid if a woman made demands on a man or held her own space. Years ago, men did not seek partners; men sought roles - Mothers, Maids, Sexual Surrogates, and possibly Companions. They sought dominance, or so it appeared. After all, it was a man’s world... or so they thought…. If truth were told, I believe men have sought out women of intelligence and confidence for years… They just did not marry them… but they needed them nonetheless.

Many men did not see the value of “book smart”, even for themselves… An eighth grade education was valued as good enough, maybe even overly educated. However, they did see the value in being street or field smart… Men did see the value in pairing with someone who could pull their own weight and complement him. Many men just did not see the value in complementing them…. I hope males have grown a little and matured in this area for, in today’s world, a partner has to challenge your thoughts and stir your emotions if you are going to survive. These challenges have to start at home with ambition and drive... We don’t have the luxury of isolation and our world is not small. It is too difficult to be that island unto oneself. Whether it is in the bedroom or the boardroom.

So finding a partner or friend who is intelligent, confident, filled with ambition and drive is important to men... It always has been. Men don’t want women to become their mothers, stubbornly telling them, teaching them, trying to change them, tracking their every move, and/or correcting them. Mothering is what you save for your children, not your mate or your friend… It is not a characteristic men value when it is applied to him.

When the dust settles and the pot stops its boil, most men complain about women who are selfish on good days and just plain “bitches” on bad days. From them men learn that it’s all about her and consequently, it leaves little time for him. Men look for and value being the center of affection, her affection. Men value the strength of a Good Heart… Men want women to have the allure of Sexuality and the Sensuality of being female.

Men don’t want women to look like him, think like him or be him. Men relish the difference. Men though, have to remember to give as much as they receive. Men need to offer the compassion, sincerity, and warmth they value in her, in return. Men need to reciprocate this or it does not stay… Even though men value this, they often find it difficult to give in return. Hence, men are often seen as egocentric and selfish when it comes to relationships. The simplicity of give me a beer, a burger and oral sex wins. It just isn’t totally true.

Simply, men value that you value them. Next, they value your wit, your charm, your intelligence, your honesty, your looks, your respect, and your love. As I’ve said before, men are at times greedy and selfish. In being so, they often lose sight of what is most dear. Men often don’t see what is before them nor do they nourish it. Men can be short sighted and in being so, he is not aware of what or who stands right before him. What many women feel is something they believe men should just know; men don’t. It is important to tell him, not assume he knows. Something many women refuse to do, at least in a healthy productive manner.

Men want to please as much as women do but we first have to become aware.

Men are constantly aware of their instinct to breed and to protect… They understand and accept it is just a part of who they are. It does not define who men are and it does not define what they value nor does it replace what they want, need or desire… It is just a part. Men are not complicated; just take the time to ask one. Men also know what they value does not come without its price… And yes, some men are not willing to pay it… Some women demand payment before giving…. Sometimes, it just happens…. No strings, No payments…

The price is ongoing and variable. The gift is a relationship. Is it worth the price? Is it worth the value? Is it worth the energy? Is it worth the sacrifice? Is it worth the satisfaction and fullness of a heart that is nourished and cared for? Only you have the answer.

As for LOVE, men seek it as much as women do. They just don’t know how to approach it. While there are different things that make men happy, sex is a huge part of this equation. Remember the instinct to protect and breed. It is something that is a part of men. Although contrary to what many believe, sex is not his only priority. Men also value love. They do ride for the brand as some western writers would say, but men approach it from a different position…. They take a different seat in the saddle. Respect, humor, intelligence, honesty, charm and yes love are all parts of his equation, not just sex. As some salty ole cowboys use to say, “Find a woman with a heart of gold and you have found the “Mother Load.” Men just don’t want to be left with the papers of a dry hole and holding his own shaft…. That’s where the distrust comes into play. It does not have to be constant but it does need to be consistent. Therefore, all the above needs to be real, as he will eventually see through fake. Fake is almost impossible to sustain… Men want women to be real, not perfect.

What do men value… we value YOU… and we want YOU to value US… It sort of sounds like an old Rambo movie doesn’t it but it is true. And that my friend is a choice… I know… Choice... We have all heard it before. I’ve made mine… Isn’t it time to make yours…? Maybe this time of year says it all. We are told that it is better to give than to receive… and in turn, we receive more than we could ever give…. Now is not the time to wait.

Maybe, just maybe if we would listen a little more and exhibit a little more patience both genders would be more satisfied. In this way, one may not be much different from the other.

Until later, this Reservation Recluse has some field research to complete…. So until next time…. Pull your britches up by your thumbs. Keep your boots on when you ride but take your spurs off when you squat…

Ya never know what it is that is going to bite you in the ass…

What Men Look For In Women - Part One

Or the ten best things are not FREE...

I am going to go out on a limb with this writing. As usual, it may not be politically correct but I do believe it “rings” with a slight bit of truth. At least as truthful as some women believe we can be. When push comes to shove, the men in your life will agree that in the “pursuit of happiness” and that “perfect” partner we do have our ideals. It doesn’t mean we get them. And in looking for them, it doesn’t mean we won’t “settle for sex”. It’s something we do value as well as desire.

Although in settling, it doesn’t mean sex is what we would prefer…. Now, what do you think about that? Even though sex is important, it is not everything… I know: it was even difficult to say….

There have been numerous poles and studies that try to quantify and objectify the male/female interaction game. We have talked about some of them in past writings. However, when men are asked what they look for in a woman, there is agreement. First, men and women are not equal. We are not the same and one cannot readily assume because you need “X” then he or she needs it too. One should not assume what makes you happy will make the other happy. Although I have heard this said numerous times, “If momma is happy, everybody is happy...” “If mamma is not… then”… well, you get the picture… And yes, in real life there is a ring of TRUTH to that too.

So what do you think? Do men prefer women with a perfect body, a perfect face, a perfect gait, a perfect conversation? Do men look for a relationship and then try to fill in the gaps or do men look for certain characteristics in a woman to find the perfect relationship? Or do men even care about relationships?

Believe it or not, men do care and they identify Charisma as one of the characteristics that draw them to women. If she can make him smile then she has the ability to be a good ally, a good partner, maybe even a good mate. That charismatic smile can get her into or out of almost anything. You know what I mean. You have seen it. You may even have fallen under its spell. You may even have it. This charm can draw women to men who are not as “good-looking” as others are in his little black book. Not saying he “should” have a little black book mind you or that he does.

Have I backpedaled enough? Ok, let’s continue! Charisma is a leveler. The appeal that lets a woman get away with things good looks can’t. Charisma is a tool when used right, can be very POWERFUL, and enticing. Charisma is old fashion Charm and in the “Ring”, it will out score and “knock out” good looks most of the time.

We don’t like to admit this but it is something we all know about men. Even with the above information about Charm, “A knock out figure and a pretty face is difficult for a man to resist.” While this is not the number one characteristic for men, I can’t say it is not important. Men are visual. If she pleases his eyes, she excites everything else. You will find men do not hang around women they don’t find attractive. While this is not true with women, it is true with men. Is this shallow? Maybe, but maybe it is just truthful. Therefore, if you are feeling “frumpy” and unattractive, he will that see too. If you don’t care if you’re “frumpy” and dress unattractively, he will see that as well. He will see what you feel; it’s not fair but true.

Think about that for a while. “He will see what you feel.” A little frightening isn’t it. And if you don’t care about you, well he won’t care about you either. Therefore, caring about how you feel and how you look is important.

Now, the standard men make judgments by is variable. Not all men find the same woman attractive but remember if you don’t feel attractive, he will not find you attractive…. Moreover, for males, attractiveness is not who his friends tell him is hot. It is the women who he notices, that notice him. In addition, if he can’t see himself next to you in the morning, then maybe it is more about sex than a relationship…. Not bad but it’s not the whole enchilada.

What attracts men to relationships and what attracts men to bed are not necessarily the same. More often, it is the manner in which you handle yourself that attracts him to you, not necessarily how you look. The package is important but the presentation is everything!

Men also value Truthfulness and Sincerity… Sort of sets you back doesn’t it but it is true. When all is said and done, men want to be able to trust the woman he is attracted to and be able to confide in her. As a whole, men are not overly trusting of women. He views women as game players and manipulators of relationships.

I think you will agree most successful relationships are built upon trust and honesty. Trust and Honesty are the foundation of any long lasting relationship. Any other foundation does not last or constantly needs rebuilding…. As for men, remember in order to receive honesty and trust you have to be honest and trustful but be careful you don’t give her more than she cares to know. “Does my butt look too big in these jeans?” “Have I gained too much weight?” “Do you think she is pretty?” Don’t go there! Honesty has its place. It’s just not here. It’s Information she does not want and more than she cares to know.

With Truthfulness and Trust often rides RESPECT. A characteristic man often chooses over love. If you ask men what they value more, love or respect, many will say respect. Men often correlate respect with love. They think, “How can you love me if you don’t respect me.” Men are sensitive to criticism from women. They feel their innate duty to protect and breed is threatened and they question their worth. Afterall how can he be of worth to someone who doesn’t respect him? How can he be worthy of her love when he can’t protect her? How can she be attracted to someone who is less of a man? I know, you think it is a little twisted but many men think this way. Love has little to do with it when his self-worth and masculinity are threatened…

Men find it difficult to be with women they are not attracted to… How can you be with a man you don’t respect? It’s just how men process things. It just is… It’s just one way men are different from woman.

Respect is about praise as well as constructive criticism. It is not about “shutting up” or “telling it like it is”… It is more in how you do, than what you do and humor is essential. You just have to be careful that the humor is not at his expense… that’s just mean. As for men, he needs to let you express yourself. He needs to listen more, pay attention more, and remember that actions speak louder than words… As you Respect him, he needs to Love you…

It’s always nice to get that “at a boy” when we do something right but in building a trustful, respectful relationship we also need to know when we cross over that line. It is important to know when we’re wrong as long as we are not demeaned and made to feel like “crap” in the process. Sadly, we only know who is naked in the hot tub when everyone gets out. That takes risk…

There are many studies which state Humor is a characteristic women rank highly in males. Do men rank it highly as well? Yes they do. Men value a female who can put a smile on his face at the end of a hard day. He values a female who can make him laugh when things are not necessarily the best. He values a woman who can smile even when things are challenging. He values strength of character that takes the dark out of darkened skies and the smile that says she is glad she is a part of his life. Men see woman who can’t smile and who don’t laugh as a potential burden. A thorn in his side that will someday rupture and poison what is around him.

So ladies, if it is too much of a challenge for you to find the positive in him, you will start to push him away. If you can’t show him value by bringing brightness to your eyes and a smile on your face, you will make him doubt. If you can’t see the positive in him and your surroundings, you will start to lose him. He will personalize this behavior. He will gradually be drawn to people and situations where he can sense a slice of confidence, humor, and brightness within a cloudy day. Men value women who are able to put a smile on his face and hers. It lifts the weight of difficult days. It allows him to be vulnerable within her arms and feel safe within her company. However, be careful… Men do not value clowns…. Humor at his expense is not attractive. Humor at her expense is just as bad. Men see and experience it as disrespectful. And if he feels disrespected, he does not stay…

I have given you some food for thought. Nothing many of you did not already know and some of you would like to forget. But since this is a two part series, I want to challenge you. For the next few days, try putting a smile on your face and a sparkle within your eye. Be the ray of sun that pushes away the clouds on that stormy day. Criticize less and understand that Respect for him is Similar to love for you. Yes, men want you to “stand by them”... But not brainless. Sexy, cute and stupid does not really work. It really didn’t work in the past and it doesn’t work now.

Attractiveness is vital but what is more important is you feel attractive and work to that end. We see what you feel. If you don’t care about you, we won’t care about you either.

Remember, don’t be too quick to judge or too harsh in judgment. Give it some thought. We’re not perfect. We’re not you. We don’t want you to be us. So until next time, this Reservation Recluse is going to cut the cards and deal another hand. Finding that perfect someone is like drawing to an inside straight, difficult but it can be done.

We just have to understand each other a little more and that takes staying in the game.

Love Sex and Relaionships: Part Three

Or Men and Their Vulnerability. Is It Just An Excuse?

Women need to know that it is in men's nature is to protect their vulnerability and they protect it at all cost. He will say “I’m fine,” even when you are 100% sure that he is not. He can be drawn and quartered by four horses and you can ask him how he feels. He will say, “Fine.” “Right!”

Remember, he will protect his weakness at all cost. To show his weakness shines a spot- light on his vulnerability. He sees it as a betrayal of himself and he loses status. He doesn’t want YOU to think he is an Oscar Myer “Weenie”. He needs YOU to see him as the “Beer Baron Sausage”, living large as “Bob” would say.…. He doesn’t want his girlfriend or wife coming to his aid like “Wonder Woman”. He then reacts with a perceived loss of respect and admiration. YOU, being Wonder Women doesn’t make him Superman or a Sir Galahad.

So if he doesn’t want to talk about his feelings, does he want to hear? Ok, so your not too sure if he “hears” either, at least when it is important to you. Well, that’s a tough question and I am not sure there is an answer but there are things he does not want to hear and when he does, this is what he hears…

“Honey, we have to talk…..” The bomb just dropped. He thinks, NO, YOU have to talk. I’m OK! It’s your issue. There are no we’s here. It’s your need to talk and you have to talk and talk and talk and talk…….…. So, if you really have to talk, keep it direct, simple and to the point. Remember, he perceives things as “call to action” not a “sharing” of important information.

Another verbal arrow of misfortune is; “Honey, what are you thinking?” His thoughts, like his answers, will be simple. So if you are lying in post-coital comfort and he answers “Pizza, he really means Pizza. He does not mean that you have the skin of pepperoni or that you are round like a pizza or that your thighs need less pizza. It doesn’t mean he didn’t just have the best sex ever or that you didn’t “rock” his world. He just means pizza. His thoughts don’t run to or center around the “relationship” like yours do.

He compartmentalizes and believes everyone else does as well. He doesn’t understand the tears in your eyes when he answers the question you asked.

“Do you think she is pretty?” Run!!!!!! This is a question no guy ever wants to hear so he may just pretend he doesn’t or stammers around a bit... If he says yes, he believes you think she is prettier than you are or he is interested in her. Even if he hesitates to say no, it will kill his chances for sex that night and if he says yes—his chances of “getting laid” are gone forever. He might as well just pack it up and go home… Alone…. If he is at home, well, it’s the couch… This panic this brings is close to the one he experiences when you ask, “Do you think my butt looks too big?” This is another question where he would rather cut his throat with a butter knife than face the consequence of the answer.

“I want to get married.” This is one that really throws him as it comes right out of nowhere. He thinks, “Well duh!” He already assumes marriage is “what” you want. He believes all women want to get married. He just doesn't want to hear it, at least not now. So you only have to notify him if this is NOT the case and marriage is not on your mind. You can talk to him about the “when” later. This is timing and again, a topic for yet another time.

Ok, don’t get your tail in a ringer so fast. Yes, this may be a mis-assumption on his part. As a woman, just because you hang out with him doesn’t mean you are that in to him… We know this. We just don’t want to hear it.

He might be, “just good enough for now” or “something to do until your hair dries” or “just friends”. As guys, we fear this but try hard not to believe it. We would rather settle for a “someone to do” than a “something to do”. Remember as long as we are “doing it”, we perceive the relationship to be “good”. And if the “relationship” is good, well let’s leave it alone.

“How do I look -- honestly?” Honestly, you look wonderful to him. That's why he's with you. Really! He doesn’t have the misgivings about you that you have about you. He would jump your bones right then and there if you would let him… You are not too short, you’re butts not too big and you’re thighs are just right…. These are your issues not his. He would not be with you if you didn’t “rock” his world. And “NO”, he doesn’t want to talk about it!

When men do take the time to talk it is to get things done or to synthesize information in order to get things done. They don’t want to talk about the relationship or your fears about the relationship. He doesn’t want to talk about where the relationship is going or where it’s been or where it should go. When your guy does talk, he will want to talk about things and doing things. In reality, if given a choice he just wants to do things… If you don’t have anything in mind to “do”, sex would “do” for a start… He would consider heavy breathing instead of talking or one syllable words like “Yessssss” than complete sentences. And well, you get the picture….

As for the relationship, remember in his mind if he didn’t love you he would not be there… If he didn’t want the relationship, he would leave. If he was not satisfied with you he would tell you. And no, he really doesn’t want to talk about your fears or his short comings…. That does not mean he will not be engaged in doing something about your fears and his short comings but remember your fears as yours and his short comings just may be perceived as YOUR perception.

But what about love you ask? In his mind you are with him and he loves you. Have sex with him and he will love you more… Conversely, if you don’t, he believes you don’t love him…. And if you don’t love him, the relationship is broken and you will leave…. How can he think this way? Well, if you are considering leaving he thinks you will want to TALK about the relationship. Why? Because it’s broken… Panic sets in. If his ego gets involved then it’s only slightly different. He says; if she doesn’t love me then why should I stay… If she is using me, I’m not staying. I’m out of here….

Men don’t get involved in a relationship for the “potential” of the other person…. They get involved because they like what they see and who you are. At least who they think you are. Women, men believe, want them for what they could be and what they have, not what or who they are. Where a woman may want her man to evolve and grow, all a man wants is for you not to change… To be the same person you were when the two of you first became involved and for you to keep what attracted him to you in the first place. Unfair, yes but true…

He believes all the attention and promises you made in the beginning will stay forever… He doesn’t look at himself as needing to smooth out his rough edges or change his friends. He believes you accepted him then so should accept him now… He is not a project in the making. So ladies, don’t look for potential in your guy. He may not live up to it. Either accept him or reject him on his merits of who he is now not who is could be “if only”. Conversely, be careful what you promise him or who you let him believe you are… He will hold you to your promise and feel deceived if you don’t….

Maybe it is all about plain old fashion “trust and respect” and you can’t give what you don’t have…. And the only way to get it is to give it. So again, as always, it’s all about you….. It’s not up to them…Don’t wait around for life to happen for it’s happening all around you….. Get involved, take some responsibility and you may just find you are not “doing it” alone. So what would you rather do; Talk about it or Do something about it…..?

If you chose “talk about it” then you might be in need of a girlfriend. But then again this is a male perspective……. “Doing something about it” leads to many possibilities…. Then again our mandate is a “call to action”. Isn’t it?

As always, it’s a choice…..Is it time to make yours? Nah, let’s just think about it and we can talk about it later….. Just kidding…. Until later………

Love Sex and Relationships: Part Two

Or Words, They Don’t Always Mean The Same…. So, What’s “IT” all About?

Contrary to popular belief, men do use words but they use them sparingly and their use is to stimulate action. Women on the other hand communicate to form bonds, to strengthen relationships, to express their feelings and to communicate their needs.

Words, to a man, covey action: If a man is perceived to be offensive and disrespectful to another man, he interprets it as; “This “Asshole” wants a piece of me!” He sees it as a personal attack. His system winds up ready to fight, resulting in a call to action. If a female compliments him on the cloths he is wearing he thinks, “Yes!…. She wants me. I am going to get lucky tonight.” Again, you see a call to action not a statement of opinion or process of information.

Women want to “bond” and “communicate”. They want to “understand” and “know” that their relationship is sound. Consequently, they want to “talk” where men want to keep things pretty close to their chest and not ruin a good thing by talking it to death. Not only is this action more inclined to their “call to action” motif but it also serves as a method of maintaining power in a relationship.

Power? Yes, the first one to “talk” loses…. Ok, unfair but look at it. In conversation men believe LESS is MORE, especially with women. At least that’s what he believes. He thinks you are much better at “relationship talking” than he is so why would he want to engage in a conversation where is he set up to lose before he even starts. In his mind, a no brainer! That is unless you want to talk about him, a subject he knows and is confident in, but remember if you talk about him he perceives it as a “call to action”. “Man, she’s interested. I think she LIKES me!” That is unless you start talking about what he does “wrong”. Then it is “relationship” connected, as perceived by YOU, and not something he really wants to stay around to experience.

Many women think men take relationship issues lightly and they are not serious. Consequently they feel the relationship is not important to men. They believe men close their eyes to what’s really important. When push comes to shove, many women believe men just want to do “it”. Their understanding is; women need bonding, closeness and romance but men, all they want is sex...

Well they’re sort of right, in a gross manner. Let’s look at it this way. Men believe the end result is what matters. All the roads lead to Rome so let’s just go to Rome. And if you’re in Rome, well, your doing pretty good and “all” is right with the world… When in Rome do as the Romans do…. TOGA!!!! Ok, so I’m getting a little off track… but not really.

Why is sex important to men? Men think if you’re doing “it”, then everything must be OK. Sex is a barometer as well as a stimulator! In his mind if he didn’t love you and wasn’t attracted to you, he wouldn’t do “it” and if he didn’t want to do “it”, he’d leave… Returning the favor, if you don’t want to do “it”, he immediately jumps to the conclusion you don’t love him and you want to leave or will eventually leave when something better comes along.

He processes the situation this way…If we need to talk about “it”, the relationship, then there is something wrong. If there is something wrong, then “it” needs to be fixed. If “it” needs to be fixed, then “it” must be broken. If “its” broken, “it’s” over…Here is where “it” really gets wild. If “it’s” over, he thinks, “I’m not going to get “it” anymore.” Consequently he believes no sex, no love, no relationship, NO “IT”. If that’s true, then there is no sense hanging around. “I’m gone…”

After the initial panic of “rejection” he may stop and try to process “It” and “It” might go something like this.

If she doesn’t want to do “It” then something must be wrong with her. What’s wrong? Obviously, since she doesn’t want “It” she must not love me… If she doesn’t love me and she is still hanging around then she must be using me… “That B----! I knew it… They are all the same…. Can’t trust them... I’m gone….”

Either way in a “call to action”, “IT” is at risk and if there is no chance in doing “IT”. “I’m gone.” I call it the confusion of the “ITS”. Maybe “it’s” because “It” means so many things that we get confused. “It” means love, sex, and relationship. Consequently, when “it” is gone there is no reason to say around. So to a man, sex IS an important part of the relationship.

Why men put so much value on “sex” within a relationship? Well, to put it frankly, a man doesn’t enter into a relationship with a woman to talk, to have a companion or to have someone to do activities with. They believe that is what friends are for. What differentiates a relationship from a friendship is sex. So gals, if you want a platonic relationship, stay friends…Unless you have a friend with benefits and that is so close to a relationship one had better be pretty carful when treading on those waters.

Often, when sex begins, the friendship ends… Even then you have to be careful because men aren’t friends with women they are not attracted to. It’s primal thing…. Go figure… It appears we even risk friendships for sex…. To us sex leads to love. Love does not lead to sex. Therefore, you can’t have love without sex; at least not for very long… What you have then is a Friend.

Want to really throw cold water on a guy?…Tell him you like him. That you really enjoy his company and LOVE hanging around him… but only as a friend…. Tell him he is your “best” friend. Then go about telling him how important friendships are…. And if you believe he is looking at you and not seeing you naked… we need to talk!

Ok, maybe it is not all like that and maybe it is not all that simple. Maybe, men can communicate and focus on relationships. Maybe women are more sexual and action oriented than previously implied. Maybe men are not all sexually driven and maybe women are not all relationship focused but it is still important to realize that we all have our point in which we view and without understanding what and where that point is we all may be perceiving totally different things…

And yes, gender is an important factor. So let’s be more aware or “it”. Biological differences are different. Or you may be waiting for “it” to happen and just let “it” pass by because you are unable to perceive “it” for what “it” really is….

AS for now…. “It” is all about choice….. I’ve made mine now go make yours…. Depending on what “it” is…. I’ve had fun… I hope you have too.

Until later… Don’t let some “Reservation Recluse” tell you want to do because ya know… “it” just isn’t right…” Take a risk…. Reach out and touch someone. “It” may be the best thing you will do all day.” Depending what “it” you are talking about… Maybe all three….