I understand we have taken a giant leap into the future and endogenous expectations are quite common, but give me a break!… Have we completely lost our minds…?
Life, love, and the pursuit of a second encounter, of even the first kind, cannot be lost in just a few short years. Or can it? What I am talking about is an article I finished reading, explaining to “boys”, how to treat a “girl”. “The rules of dating”.
Now tell me, is this rocket science? No, maybe I do not want to hear it…. I am not sure I could handle the facts…
My Granddaughter assures me, it is true… Boy meets girl. Boy screws up. It is something that has gone on for centuries but today we appear to have taken giant steps backwards. So, does it take a degree in Rocket Science to figure this out?
What is Rocket Science in todays dating game?
Rocket Science: I remember when backyard Rockets were launched by waterpower. Waterpower was as technical as it got… We also played “catch and kiss” on the school playground, but I regress……
Do you remember plastic rockets and garden hoses? Rocket Science! 1)Make sure you have water in your rocket. (hose), 2) Insert rocket into receptacle. (Make sure it fits. Sometimes it was rather tight.), 3) Give it 4 to 5 good pumps and 4) pull the trigger…
Huston, there was no problem, other than you were washed with liquid if you did not point the projectile in the right direction or even if you did… It was fun and everyone knew the rules, at least we thought we did.
Ok, those of you who are older that ten are getting a distorted vision…. Get your mind out of the mud and at least into the gutter… That is not what I am talking about but then, maybe I should be. At the rate our young men are developing, they are not going to be able to get close enough to the female species to take them to dinner, let alone “mate”…
I know, “mate” is a word that goes beyond rocket science and is associated more with biology. It use to have something to do with families, commitment and relationships…. Or at least entertaining. Choosing a mate was what dating was essentially about. It was an opportunity to test the field.. Now I guess, you don’t even have to date to mate…
The following is a summation of the article I read, telling young men the do’s and don’ts of dating… Something I guess, no young man knows how to do these days... I am not sure they know whom they are dating, let alone what or where…. However, that is another story for yet another time…
Hold on to your hats, because we are going for a ride… and it might make you dizzy, wanting to throw up, when you see how far we have regressed… I have taken some liberty with the presentation but the jest is there in all its glory.
First: Look your best…. Put a little effort into cleanliness. A bath and deodorant might help… In addition, go easy on the cologne.
Second: Plan your date, or at least know where it is you want to take her; out the front door might be a start… Be on time, but most of all; show up…
Show up? You have to be kidding! No, I am not! I guess many young men these days find that showing up is just too big of a commitment….
Show up? Well, I guess that is a start…
Third: Compliment her. Do not insult her… She is not your “bitch”. She is your “date”… Treat her like one; a “date” not a “bitch”… Open her door... I know she has two arms and two hands as well as you do, that is not the point.
Fourth: Pay attention to HER, not the girl two blocks over, who has her skirt riding close to her navel… The other girl does not care about YOU… The one you’re with might not either, but at least you have a chance…
Fifth: Do not rush to take seat yourself and leave her standing … or worse yet; let the door slam in her face….Let her walk through the door first. Do not rush to get ahead of her to get the seat facing the bar.… Pull her chair out for her, but not out from under her. Help her be seated… Don’t slam her to the table, like some WWF wanta be.
Sixth: Don’t “hog” down your food as if it is the only meal you have had in three days; even if it is… wait… Chew your food. Do not just swallow it. Chew it a couple of times first…
Seventh: Do not blow your nose on the napkin, or wipe your nose on your sleeve. Sucking down loogies and swallowing them is not the best practice either… Get up and excuse yourself from the table. No one wants to see Shrek escaping from either nostril.
Eighth: Talk with her and ask questions about her; do not just talk about you… What you did during middle school basketball does not interest her. However, asking her where she is in her “cycle” will not gather you points either.
Ninth: Do not play with your food, talk with your mouth full, or talk into your plate…
Tenth: Do not brag about your conquests with other women. She does not want to hear about them… Moreover, she will not believe you … You have acted too much like a fool already.
Eleventh: Pay for the meal. Do not expect her to pay…. If she offers to pay, refuse… It is your date; consequently, it is your dime… Do not pretend to leave your wallet behind and go out to the car, leaving her with the bill... The Bill you might be leaving her with, may be sitting in the chair at the next table….
Twelfth: Offer your arm on a walk… Do not walk behind her so you can look at her ass... Walk along side her, not in front or behind her. Walk on the outside of her, near the road… If a car is going to roll up on the curb, let it hit you first. Let her grab your arm. She will do this so you don’t grab her ass. It is not as if she trusts you.
Thirteenth: Let her know you had fun and she was enjoyable company... You can start by keep your boundaries and being respectful… Do not force yourself on her…. It is called RAPE, not a good time. No means no and yes, well it might mean no too. Never kiss and tell or you will not have another chance to tell anyone…
Fourteenth: If you have to pass gas, excuse yourself; do not ask her to pull your finger…. It doesn’t work, even in middle school…
Fifteenth: Masturbation is not a topic of conversation for the first date, no matter how many times you have done it that day. It makes you look like a loser, which is probably the case...
Sixteenth: Bringing her a vibrator, as a gift, is not something she will show to her mother; no matter how pretty it is or how many speeds it has…. If you have already purchased it, return it; if you have not, then save your money for a Starbucks card…
So, am I completely outdated or is all this advice necessary?
I come from a generation where sticking your tongue in her ear or down her throat was not considered sexy, and commenting on her breast size would not get you another date, even if you told her more than a mouthful was a waste… There were just some thing’s a guy did not do; at least the first time out of the chute…
And hearing the crowd yell, “Ride em cowboy” was not one of them….
In my day, she would turn on you like an ornery bull, during Cheyenne Frontier Days, and stomp you into the DIRT.
With that said, I am going to hang my head and wonder what the h--- has happened.
Sometimes, it just takes common sense but that means we have to have some sense to make it common and I guess we are just plumb out of that.…
So until next time, this reservation recluse is going to ponder the age of forgotten youth… and hope it is not dead everywhere. That somewhere, someplace, sometime, there might be a young man who actually knows how to treat a girl… And young women who actually like to be treated like one.
May the sun shine bright and the moon rise to meet the evening meadow… We all have choices… I’ve made mine…. Now, go out and make yours…..
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