Love Sex and Relationships: Part One

Or It's All About Perception…

Previously, we have talked about relationships and the difficulty men and women have in sustaining these relationships as well as how often the species mis-communicate. We have also talked about the consequences of this miscommunication and the effects it has on the personal psyche and the relationship in general. I know, I know, it's just a bunch of psycho-babble but what about this drama of the sexes. Does gender play a role?

Men and women, what do we know about them? Or what do we think we know?

Men talk to men about women and women talk to women about men. Maybe it's time for men to talk to women about men? What do you think? I know you have heard it all before. Maybe you have but maybe it's important to look at it from yet another angle; from yet another point in which to view..

Ok, I know, you believe that as guys we are not all the serious when it comes to women and relationships. You believe relationships frighten us and we refuse to take you seriously. Have you ever thought of the possibility that it's not really true? Maybe, in truth, we are just simpler and less complicated. No, I didn't say simple minded. I just said simpler and less complicated. Now don't take me wrong. We do take you seriously. It's just we are not all that complicated. If you take the time to learn how men process information and events you will see how true this statement is.

So, as a person of the female persuasion, what do you need to know about the male gender? MMMMMMM

Ok, so you say he doesn't understand you; that he hardly ever even listens to you or pays attention to either what you believe or how you feel. You believe you are not really important to him. It's like you don't even exist! Sometimes you would give anything to have him listen and understand, even if it's for just a short time. He doesn't have to do anything you say to yourself. And in reality, if he would only listen you would give up on the idea of understanding. He just doesn't appear to connect!

Have you ever thought that the key to having your "guy" listen and understand what you are saying may be connected to how well you understand how he actually functions, as a man that is…not a mate.

Well, it may be to your benefit to give it some consideration.

What if you experienced the relationship world from his perspective?

Maybe, if you understood how he functions and perceives information you could get closer to the relationship you really wanted. Simply put, it is a lot easier to be heard when you know how the other perceives and processes information. So what do we know about men and their ability to communicate and the language they use?

You notice I did not say understand. Ok, you're right, they don't. Communicate that is, at least in the manner in which you want and readily understand.

Have you ever thought the answer may lie within the manner in which information is funneled and in the manner in which one typically understands…. Ok, what am I trying to say? The bottom line; "Yes, men and women are different…." Ok, I've said it… Lightening did not come down from the sky and no androgenous being has pushed through the door beating me.

Though that might prove interesting…. That's a story for yet another time…. Remind me….

Now what about the allusive male? Are we that difficult to understand or are we just not all that complicated? Maybe we are just guys and you are just gals. Ok, men and women… I would hate to have anyone say I was "sexist". Then again….maybe we all should be more comfortable with being male and female, coming to grips with how we are alike as well as how we are different. But that, again, is for another time… Promise!

So where is all this leading? First of all, you are going to have to recognize that most of the male species can only process about one direction at a time…. No, it does not mean we can not multitask but it does mean you don't want to tell him to do two or three tasks at once…. Ask any women who has been married for over twenty years. It doesn't matter if you are in bed or in the kitchen…. One direction at a time….

"Honey, would you please get up, go into the bedroom and get my robe? Oh, while you're at it can you bring me the aspirin in the bathroom too." WRONG….. Especially if he is already engaged in a task of his own. If you want your directions completed, in the bedroom or the kitchen, remember, one request at a time….

Stay away from the two, three and four part request you are use to. And if he is already engaged, wait until he is not preoccupied. Or at least get his attention before you make the request. No, it's not that we don't want to pay attention or don't want to please you. It's how we process information, even in the bedroom. So let him finish one thing before you begin him on another.

I know, you're not too sure about all this but if you are questioning any of it ask him… He will tell you it is not that far from the truth…. And yes, we will continue with Part Two next time…

As usual, It's a choice…. But don't take my word for it.. Deep down you too know it's true…. Take some time to see things from the point in which he views.. You may be glad you did.

So until next time… It just maybe be simpler and less complicated than you think…

Of Vampires and Wolves -Possibilities and Intentions

Of Vampires and Wolves -Possibilities and Intentions

Maybe a Good Night after all

A fifth of tequila, a 40 caliber Glock, a set of cuffs and a handful of 100 dollar bills… What was missing were the two twenty-year-old Vampires. The Wolf was already in the room. It is an age-old story; the saga between two sets of immortals… Each needing the other to survive, yet the struggle is ageless… As the story goes, only one leaves the world intact… Later that night, well after midnight, the two Vampires arrive. They enter the room. Eyes glance towards the tequila and cuffs near the bed. The youngest Vampire moves towards the nightstand, picks up and seductively plays with the Glock. The Wolf looks into the endless pool of the oldest Vampires eyes. He is drawn closer. She smiles. The Dance begins!

We fight this battle between Possibility and Intention every day. We don’t always recognize it and we don’t always understand it but we do fight it. The battle between what we feel we have to do and what we believe is right to do…. Sometimes in the struggle, we forget the reality of the situation and we are pulled into the seductive distortion of making what we do right because the end goal, our focus is just…. It is there we take the next step onto the platform of the DarkSide. It pulls us, not gently but seductively with Passion and Intention. We believe Possibilities are endless… It is Deceiving, it is Enticing and it is Addictive… We do things we never believed we would. We take ourselves places we never thought we could. It is here we transform. It is here we begin to lose who we are. Yet the step into the DarkSide is a choice. It is afterwards that the choice goes away and coldness of the Dark takes over.

It gets easier with time. We actually find some seductive pull from it. There is power. There is grace and yet there is no structure to the form. It is a dance of a 1000 veils. The allusion of what we all want to believe, at least for a fleeting moment; that we are of value, we are important and we are desired. It is here the Vampire and the Wolf walk within the same moon-filled night. It is the Twilight of the hour. It is here in gaining independence and power we become controlled. Paid for, not by a handful of $20’s but by fragments from our soul and it is here, at the time we become good at the deception that we know we have to leave; to walk away from the DarkSide and step into the Light. If we do not, the transformation becomes permanent and finding our way back almost an impossibility; yes, Possibilities and Intentions. In the Light, these take on new dimensions and new meaning.

It is here we have the opportunity to walk towards new beginnings and forge ahead into new avenues of Trust, Responsibility, and Truth. To whom do we owe these? We owe it to ourselves first. Only then we can claim ownership in order to give to others. Truth, we find within. Responsibility, lies within the relationships we form and Trust, we find in the relationships we choose to develop. Yet, to do this we need time and opportunity to tell our story. It is through the telling of the story we make sence of where we have been and end the probability of defaulting to the seduction of past skills and seemingly easy pathways. Yet telling our story is difficult. We tend to move away from the difficult for fear of falling back into its vortex. It is the Paradox of control and Intention, closing Possibilities…

As always, it’s a choice… Is it time for you to make one? I have made mine. Will you make yours? A handful of 20’s or your soul? I know, at least the 20’s you can see. But stop; take a close look inside… the soul you can feel… It’s your choice… I have faith, do You?

Until later, this reservation recluse is going to reload, buy a bottle of good tequila, and head for a dimly lit motel room. It is becoming dark and the moon is full…. Of Vampires and Wolves – Possibilities and Intentions

The Short And Long Of It All

Or the Rise and Fall of Impotent Decisions….

Does the penis discriminate? Ok, so you don’t think that is a good question but really how much of a military regime does it have? Does it stand readily at attention or does it fall too easily, “at easy” soldier.

How many demerits does it get or give for you not being “in shape”? Are the consequences severe?

Would you believe that impotence affects nearly 15 million men in American and that current research suggests being overweight increases the risk of developing impotency? Now, what does that tell you?

That’s right Size does matter, at least around the waistline. Current research states that men with waistlines of 42 inches were twice as likely to have erectile problems as men who sport a 32 inch waistline….

In addition to weighing more, these men tend to be less active and more apt to suffer from associated health concerns such as high blood pressure and high cholesterol. All this significantly affects blood flow, not only to the heart but to the “heart” of other “muscle” matters as well…. Size around the waistline can determine “Size” in other areas….

Consequently, your love life is going to take a back seat to the couch, the remote control a cold six pack of beer and watching the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders perform at half time. Your performance reduced to “Spectator”. Alas, no more Gold for the Indoor Olympics. The Lone Ranger is not riding again and Tonto is not about to save your sorry “ass” this time around…. Even “Riding Solo” does not seem to be much of an option…

So where does all this lead? Well, maybe men may start looking at life style choices in a different manner; such as plenty of exercise and a healthy diet now that “Wondering Willie” is at stake. Not that there hasn’t been reason to sit up and take notice before but never underestimate the “impotence” of such decisions when “impotent” consequences are at stake…. It is starting to become personal!

So gals, if he is just too “frisky” for you most of the time and he is always “poken around” when you just want to be “layen around”; stir up a chocolate cake, pop open his favorite beer and sit him down in front of the game with a remote and a large pizza. Chances are it won’t be “Too Long” before his desire will be out “weighted” by his performance, or lack of…. And guys…. Better watch those Sunday afternoon games….

So what’s the answer? There may not be a clear cut answer but it may be worth the effort to turn off the TV, go for a run, and get some cardiovascular. You may just “rise” to the occasion more like you use to….. It will help your health. It will help your attitude. It will help your endurance and sooner that later, you too may be “living large” within a healthy life style and relationship.

So, now that you know what have you to lose; ten inches off your middle? You just might have something to gain…. No, it’s not exponential but don’t you think it is worth the effort.

As some reservation recluse once said, “Shouldn’t we all rise to the occasion if we can?” I think it is better than wishing we could….

The last “Uprising” should not have been at the Little Big Horn in Montana. It could start a little closer to home….

As always, it is a choice….. I’ve made mine….. Now go make yours…..

Prehistoric Link for a Modern Ailment

Dinosaurs and Depression, could this be real?

Well, some scientists think so. Some evidence now supports a human DNA trigger for depression and they are saying it may have also existed in prehistoric animals; that’s right, a genetic “switch”. A “switch” that some believe may be the key to turn on or off genes that control our behavior and our moods. And we really thought we had control……. Is it possible we are all “switched”?

Some scientists believe this discovery may hold the key to unlocking depression and explain why some individual’s are susceptible to this illness while others are not; that’s right, a futuristic, genetic focus with a Jurassic Park twist. With this potentially new understanding of depression, further treatments could be developed which address the causes rather than the symptoms of many mental illnesses.

It appears that this same DNA “switch” may have set into motion the feelings of anxiety and fear in prehistoric man. Originally this “switching” may have been functional and preformed as part of our fight, flight or freeze survival system but in modern day man this “switch” may be needed; therefore, a disorder rather than asset.

It appears the amygdale is the center, the command post you might say where all this “switching” happens; the amygdale is part of the brain where processing and recall of emotional reactions happen. If you wake this puppy up all sorts of “flight or fight” responses take place. Interesting HUH? And we thought we had “choice”.

It truly is a new dawn….. or maybe just a better understanding of how what once was beneficial can now be harmful….. I know, you are thinking about that old relationship you thought was once the answer to all your dreams and now is the cause of all your problems….. OK, that again is yet another topic for yet another time…. Later, not today…..

Today is not about choice, only a little food for thought….. If any of this is really true then maybe we don’t have as much choice” as we once thought….. Now, how is that for a pleasant thought…..? ? NOT! Then again…. Switch on – Switch off!

Until later…… Take responsibility for your Own Happiness Today…. Switch or no switch…. It is a good day after all……  This Reservation Recluse calls it a day...

We Must Change

One thing is certain… Nothing is ever like it was. That means no matter how we feel or what we do, change is the only constant we have and it is evolving faster than it ever has before.

In an age where we change relationships like we do a pair of pants and where the best thing your new employer can offer you is that you will leave your present job with more knowledge than you came into it with is no comforting thought. Or is it?

Today’s Colleges and University’s are training individuals for JOBS and CAREERS that were not even in existence 10 years ago and may not even be a thought today. Longevity in a JOB has a half life less than the $2.45 per gallon you use to put into your car. True, you can not count on circumstance but maybe you can count on YOU. Remember last week when we talked about LEADERS managing CHANGE? That is one thing that has not changed, ever!

Now, what does this mean? Does it mean the same to Corporate Finance as it does to you and me? The answer is YES. In the Corporate world it is about RESEARCH and DEVELOPMENT. They understand that CHANGE is inevitable and to be on the cutting edge they DEFINE and MANAGE this change. If they do it well, they are extremely profitable… Their business GROWS; their productivity increases and their products meet the needs of their consumers…. The car that FORD developed at the turn of the century is no where near the Hybred produced today. LEADERS manage change... the same lies with YOU.

I know, it is not a comforting thought that you and you alone are responsible for your life and that you and you alone hold the only true accountability for your existence. That what you may have thought was a Right is in reality a Privilege and this privilege does not come without a price. The price? Your accountability, your responsibility and your energy…

It is not the time to wait for someone else to make it RIGHT. To wait for someone else to go the distance and to do all that it takes for you to reach YOUR goal. Ok, so entitlement isn’t your issue and you have not been just sitting on the sidelines. More than likely you have been trying to “control process”. That means you are in a “crises” state. Sadly to say, when you get good at managing Crises, the only thing you mange to do is Crises. Does this have a familiar ring?

If you really want to embrace the constant of CHANGE then you can not do it like you have been doing it; that is more of the same. True, it’s comfortable. It’s minimal risk. It’s also a wish in one hand and a pile of ----- in the other… Ok, you know what I mean… Like a successful business, you have to be concerned with DEVELOPMENT; Your development, Your vision, Your life and Your future….

I know, it is not the right time, nor the right place, you may not even be the right person… You may need to drop 20 pounds, or you may need to get past the relationship that just turned into a pair of LEVI’S or you may be “waiting for that perfect moment”. I hate to tell you, that PERFECT moment will not come. If you wait, you will continue to manage crises and fall victim to the whims of circumstance. Too little money, too little time, not enough love, not enough respect, not the right job, not the right car. The list goes on and the list is endless.

What ever happened to idealism and commitment? What ever happened to identifying a goal based on a huge vision, and passion? What ever happened to Excitement? What ever happened to doing all that is necessary to reach that dream? What ever happened to doing ALL that it takes? What has happened to fulfilling YOUR vision rather than managing someone else’s Crises. Life throws many things our way and not all of it is good but what has happened to the belief that how we handle it produces character and what we do with it produces success?

Start by being both responsible and accountable for YOUR life. Make a stand! I understand that it is difficult in this “wishy washy” time of political correctness but have the guts to dream again and develop a vision that scares the Hell right out of you; a vision worthy of your fear and worthy of your commitment. If not, you will become responsible and accountable for all the “crap” that is thrown your way. You will become reactionary to situations and only find solace in the small time given you while Life “reloads”.

I know, maybe I have more faith and courage in your convictions than you do. I am not asking you to have either faith, courage o r conviction. I am asking you to dream, to reach outside of yourself and be all that you can be and ever wanted to be. To be the best Dad, the best Mom, the best Son or best Daughter you can be. The other bests are just choices. Roles we play while developing who we are and where we are headed.

When becoming a leader of your own life it is best to start with something you know.

The world is ever changing and our role is more vital now than it ever has been. We can embrace this change as the Oak stands against the wind. Its secret lies in its strength and ability to bend. It changes ever so slightly its position yet stands firmly upon its conviction. As with the changing of the seasons, change brings with it life to the world. As our world changes so must we…. As Individuals we must manage that change. We must be the leaders of this time and not fall into just controlling its processes. When we just adjust we do not thrive and when we do not thrive we do not survive. It is a day to day struggle and you are important.

I know, it’s all about choices…. and yes, I have made mine…. It’s your turn to make yours…. The opportunity is now, the responsibility? YOURS! Now go be accountable….

“We must be the change we see in the world” – Mahatma Gandhi

Survival Gear and Thrival Mode

In this day and age of threatened recessions and devalued dollars, we often fall into our survival modes instead of hopping into our “thrival” gear. We seem to focus on what we can’t do instead of what we need to do or what we can do. We forget that the way “out” of peril is through a well developed plan and consistent follow through.

It’s not about what we want that we can’t have and it’s not about reacting to all the “crap” life throws our way. It’s about doing what we need to do, to get to where we want to be. It’s about the bottom line of our integrity and our character. It’s about style. It’s about grace. It’s about taking responsibility for our own lives without the “whine” and doing something about our own “condition”. If you believe this, then you may just be ready for the rest of what I have to say.

One of the first things a person must do when they find themselves in a HOLE is to STOP digging. I know, that sounds simple but it is more difficult than it sounds. One often finds a shovel in one hand and a bucket of crap in the other. Not knowing what to do next, one just sits down in the bucket of crap… So what is the next real step?

The next step is to develop a plan and in this day and age the foundation of that plan is a workable budget. Yes, you heard me correctly, a budget… Now don’t get your tail all knotted up and don’t tell me you don’t make enough money to have a budget. A budget is simply a plan to spend your money and organize your life... It doesn’t matter if you have a lot of money or if you have just a little. You can even budget your time….. It just is a method to put you in control of YOU. The only thing you can’t budget is “other people”.

Ok, so you’ve tried it before and failed. Well, maybe that was because it was someone else’s budget; someone else’s plan for you. Remember, you can’t budget someone else's time or money and someone else’s budget will not work for YOU. As with most everything else, your budget needs to be personalized for YOU and it starts by assessing what money YOU have to work with each month. No, not a projection of what could be but an honest projection of what is.

So what’s the first step? You’re right… Write down how much money you take in every month. This is what many in the financial market call an “accurate income projection”. I call it looking at your pay stub and writing it down. After you have successfully accomplished this, you need to develop categories that actually fit your own situation. Categories that accurately reflect your own spending habits, not some projection someone got out of a book someplace, somewhere in time.

Next, you have to fine tune these categories so they give you a meaningful picture of what is happening to your money. Where does it all go? Is there any place you feel you can cut some corners or cuts costs? Now don’t get too carried away with detail or you will quickly give it all up. It will become a chore instead of a tool and a chore you will quickly tire of.

Now that you have identified what happens to your money, it’s time to look at expenditures that seem to just come up and slap you along side of the head, like car maintenance, insurance and taxes. You get my point. Things that you know are going to be there but you really don’t plan for and they seem to take you by surprise all the time.

Once this is accomplished, you have to review these categories on a regular basis and determine if they are meeting your needs. Do you need to add more categories or do you need to take some categories away? This is the time to review your expenses and look at ways to trim costs in each category... Remember, you are looking at categories instead of money and seeing what money you have will fit what categories….

After you have completed this, you may find that one category you haven’t addressed is “cash”. Cash disappears very quickly and is not easily tracked. So what does this mean? Yes, you need to write everything down, how much and what it was. Remember your budget isn’t there to tell you what not to do, it is there to help YOU track what YOU are doing and what YOU need to do to make things work for YOUR goals and YOUR future.

A category many forget or feel just isn’t necessary is “savings”. This just isn’t true. You need a line item for savings and you need to adjust payment in the same manner as you would a monthly bill by a creditor.

Last but not least is something most of us never do. This is writing realistic goals for yourself. This is what the whole budget is about. It’s not about tracking what you spend as much as it is setting financial goals that will enable you to buy a house, purchase a new car, go on vacation, retire at 55, get married or have money for your children’s education. Without direction and needs, a budget is just a restriction and we fight it as such.

A budget gives you awareness and it gives you freedom. It puts YOU in control of YOU. It lets you know what you have to do. It gives you the method to reach your dreams and it gives you security. It also identifies patterns you may not have been aware of before and that can be easily adjusted or taken care of once they are identified. It’s a tool that allows you to take active responsibility for your life, as it increases internal motivation and helps create a positive attitude.

Now that you have a Personalized Budget and you are driving your finances rather than them driving you; how do you go from survive to thrive? I know, it has been sink or swim for some time but as we have come to understand these past few weeks, it doesn’t have to be. Here are four surefire activities to get you on the right financial track. 1) Save more, 2) spend less, 3) shop smarter, 4) find alternative methods to increase your income and reduce expenditures. These are just a few, but they are a GREAT beginning.

Questions to ask yourself? Do you have three to six months wages set a side for the unexpected? No? Well now is the time to get serious and save whenever you can. Now is the time to eliminate unnecessary purchases. Is that HD channel really worth the 60-100 dollars a month? In times when money is tight, don’t spend more than you have to and look at ways to save on all necessary purchases. Most important, pay down your debt. In times of recession, interest rates tend to go down. Your debt will cost you less and your repayment money will go further. It’s not the time to borrow more and go deeper into debt. Borrowing more just makes the “hole” deeper. Remember the “hole” theory? When you find yourself in a hole what must you do? Yes, STOP digging! Start with credit card debt first because it is soooooooo outrageous and most dangerous.

Last but not least is to make the most out of what you have. Squeeze more out of life and everything you own. Budgets don’t have to squeeze you but they can help you make the most of everything you have and put you on the “right” track to meeting both your personal and financial goals. Go a head; give it a try for six months. Heck, you can do anything for six months other than hold your breath and you have probably been trying to do that. I believe you will find that once you get your head out of the sand, life will stop kicking you in the ass. No, don’t take my word for it. Take your own. Give it a try. What have you to lose, ignorance?

By now, even if you are new to these writing you know it is all about choice, your choice. I’ve already made mine. Don’t you think it’s time to make yours?

Until next week then, let’s hope “cranial rectal inversions” are just a thing of the past. “Ride with a tight cinch and keep your powder dry.”

Pedestals, Infidelity, Sex and Smoking?

And yes Pedestals, as People, are not always stable...

The higher they get, the narrower they become and eventually one has to topple... They, Pedestals, CREATE HUGE EXPECTATIONS that are not meet-able when the cloud cover floats away, and the sun begins to emerge....

As for Infidelity - Sex and Smoking; are they on the same level? That is a personal dilemma. For me smoking is the gravest of all sins... go figure!  Then again the most damaging of all, I believe, is Deceit and Mistrust...

Yet, we can draw any line in the sand… as we all know, it does not have to be reasonable.

Of course there is the issue of Respect or lack of it.. What has to happen, in either case, is the understanding that all is not about the other, it is about you...

If you smoke, it is about you... If you have sex with someone else, it is about YOU... It’s not about them..... It is not about the “other”. It is your responsibility. Therefore, if they smoke or have sex, it is about them, not you... The mistake is, we quickly return the favor...

Contrary to “political correctness, it is OK to have one’s own personal boundary. It’s just not OK to let others actions define YOU and consequently set your boundary for you. It is in that manner these boundaries become exclusive rather than inclusive…..

Can a relationship get passed Infidelity? Yes it can..... If it couldn't, most everyone would be divorced or split up at one time or another because Infidelity is not only Physical, it is Mental and Emotional as well.

Having sex is only one part of the equation. Constantly thinking about "someone" else and being devoted to "something" else, is Infidelity as well...

Being with one person when your heart, mind or soul is with another is also Infidelity... Sometimes we just don’t define it that way. As Bill Clinton so aptly showed us during his Presidency, definition is important.

Maybe honesty levels the playing field, as Infidelity may not be explained away as just an ACT.....

Sex is an ACT. Smoking is an ACT.  They are both behaviors.... Now, is it an addictive behavior? Something that drives one and therefore a behavior that takes one away from the true intent of the RELATIONSHIP... that, I believe, is something else again and goes beyond behavior and into compulsion and addiction.

I find there are three ACTS that marriages/relationships take a huge hit on and ACTS very few relationships survive without severe damage, if at all... That is CHRONIC Abuse, CHRONIC Addiction, and CHRONIC Infidelity; the focus being on the Chronicity of the Behavior, not on the  behavior itself.

Yes, we can get past BEHAVIORS, ours and others. The question is, can we get past EXPECTATIONS? Yes, we did cover that topic before. The Expectation to either be PERFECT or the EXPECTATION to fail..... The first leads us into great disappointment and the second into self fulfilling prophecy.....

It all seems so….. Messy, so…. Confusing, so….. Difficult.  Yes, I do believe there is a path through all this.

The way through this mess is by honesty, commitment and truly focusing on the partnership.

Focusing on the others needs, while taking responsibility for our own.... I know, that is a big step - a huge step, as most of us judge by what is given to us and how others meet our wants and demands... We rarely judge on our responsibilities or lack of them.

While setting boundaries and expressing our needs, we it is important to focus on our partner. Giving to and nurturing the relationship; two being greater than the sum of its parts.... True, a Simple Idea but a HUGE Concept.  A concept that appears to be forgotten in this day and age.

The question really is, “What do you want to do and How do you achieve it......?” It is "active" rather than "passive".  Set in "action" rather than "wish fulfillment or blame".

What do you want to do...? What do you want to build...? Is it a loving relationship, a trusting friendship, a single life with companionship....?

We first have to identify what it is we want and second, define what we need to do to achieve it.... On this, couple’s need to be be on the same page or at least see/set a similar goal.

I Hope I have made some kind of sense but then again... it's me.... I don't always stay on that page..... The “sense” page that is. And as always, this is my spin...

I truly believe we have to fight for what is valuable to us.... A passive stance will not fulfill our wants, needs or desires.  If we can’t, then we are filled with regret.... Life is too short to live on or with regrets....

We have to get beyond what Psychologists call PROJECTION. Not, what does it say about him or her but what does it say about YOU... It is your limits you have to understand not the others vulnerabilities.....

It seems we are at that point again…. The place where I say it is a choice… and as always, it truly is…..I’ve made mine…. It’s time to make yours….

Maybe it is time to stand up and be counted… To make a stand for something you believe in. Maybe it’s time to take Responsibility of YOU into the next room while checking your Expectations at the door. If you do, then there is no need for Pedestals, only Conversations…. And meeting others, eye to eye…..

Until later then… Ride a wide circle, toss a large loop and don’t hard dally to the horn. This Reservation Recluse has a Pow Wow to attend and you have some decisions to make….

Changing Your Outlook - Shit Happens Part IV

Change your outlook through positive self talk and dispute the beliefs that make you and others around you unhappy. 

Is that really possible?

YES it is! In order to do this you need to ask yourself, what other beliefs will bring you peace of mind? How can you change the words you are using to describe what has happened or is happening in a more matter of fact manner? Can you express your “feelings” rather than react to your “emotions”?

 Yes, you can!

You will need to describe the event as it actually happens without the adjectives and adverbs. You will need to take away the filters of judgment, then step back and see what you get. You will need to take the time to identify your feelings that lie under those intense driven Emotions. Remember, you are stuck only as long as you are willing to be “stuck”.

Ellis states that you can become the master of your own mind, your own feelings and your own behavior IF you are willing to address “errors” in thinking when they arise. That is a big IF and it is all about YOU. There is NO waiting for someone else to do something. There is no waiting for something else to happen. The more you wait the worse things get….

Ellis emphasizes that events or situations do not make you angry or unhappy—they do not cause your upset feelings. What drives your disabling emotion is what you tell yourself about the event and the meanings you attach to that event. The real culprit keeping you upset is YOU and what YOU are telling yourself, what YOU are focusing on and what YOU are NOT expressing...

OK, you are right; NO, you can’t change what has happened. More often than not, you can’t change the upsetting situation. Like we have said before, “Shit Happens”. The only thing you are in command of is how much negativity you put into thinking about these “Shitty” things and how much you think about them.

In other words, what you think and what you do command how you feel. The event or upsetting, aggravating “thing”, in itself, has no emotional weight or value.

The bottom line is that you are always responsible for what you think, say and do. Blaming others for your feelings and behavior is just a way you learned to protect yourself during the early stages of your life. By blaming others and putting the responsibility on someone else you cannot change. You give up your control. You give up your influence. I know it sounds all backwards but really, you cannot change how stubborn people are or how irresponsible some people act. You can’t really change anyone outside of yourself and as we all know, that’s had enough.

I know, it doesn’t feel that way but feelings lie…. They really do. Have you ever felt “lower than whale dung on an ocean floor”? Well, no matter what, you are not “whale dung” nor have you even been. Putting energy here only makes you miserable by trying to solve a problem you are not responsible to solve nor can you. You only end up blaming either yourself or someone else. The consequence: You end up feeling miserable, obsessing about something that just gets worse until you are consumed with it.

Every time you use these cognitive errors you reinforce them. You make them stronger and easier to default to next time. It is vital that you turn off the negativity that feeds your irrational thinking. When you do this, you will find you turn off the line that feeds the negative emotions and destructive behavior. Use Albert’s model to dry up the concrete, unmovable, irrational and unhealthy ways of thinking that try to govern your life. Like unused muscles, these critical thinking errors will go into a state of atrophy but only if you catch yourself engaging in them, challenge them and dispute their hold on you.

To gain control over yourself and your emotions you will need to discard these unhealthy thoughts like you might brush away a swarm of Eastern Montana Mosquitoes. They are the maggots of the mind, the larva of lunacy in relationships. If you do this exercise thousands of time a day you will program your mind to be a more positive person. Yes, you heard me right…not just ONCE.

Remind yourself, “I have no need to think about this. Thinking about this and getting myself upset does not change anything. I choose to let this go. It really doesn’t matter in the long scheme of things. It is foolish to become so upset over so little. I am a better person than to let my emotions govern my thoughts and actions. I take control of me.” You need to challenge these thoughts with all you have… Only then will change start to happen.

Remind yourself, “If I repeat this thought and continue to engage it with others, it will make me unpleasant and difficult to be around. If I continue to ruminate on this path of negative thinking, then I will become diminished and more afraid. If I continue to dwell on this injustice, I will end up blowing up at someone I care about.” Ask yourself, “Why do I need to dwell and continue to focus on this thought which is hijacking my mind? If I do, dire consequences will happen and I only feed the problem and my upsetness.”

Put yourself in the command spot by interrupting your negative thoughts. Tell yourself that there is no need to think about things that you can’t change. There is no need to obsess about things that pull you into the state of despair, make you angry or worried.

Accepting things as they are does not mean you agree, disagree, like or dislike, want or not want. It only means you acknowledge things as they are and refuse to let the run-a-way emotions hijack your mind. It places you in a position to actually do something about the situation or make a decision about the reality instead of the distortion. It puts YOU in the COMMAND position of YOUR life.

Place yourself in control of YOU by cutting off the blame thoughts.

Your mind works but it only when YOU work it!

The future is yours and the present is at your command… Attack it with vigor! What have you got to lose, Your Negativity?

As usual, I have made my choice. It’s now up to you….. Isn’t it time you got YOU back and put you in the COMMAND position of YOUR life!

Breaking into Negativity - Shit Happens Part III

How do you do this? You break into negativity of the moment by instructing your mind to “STOP”. You tell it, “don’t go there”. You command yourself to “cut it out”, “enough’s, enough”! If you find yourself obsessed with how unfair something or someone is and you keep going over it again and again, it will drive you nuts and be the foundation of significant emotional turmoil. Tell yourself to “knock the shit off”. Shit happens; you just don’t need to keep it…..

Instead of revisiting old repetitive negative, hurtful thoughts and feelings say to yourself, “It’s true, nothing is really fair. I know that and it is not up to me to make it fair. It is not my responsibility. I am going to stop thinking about what’s wrong and what’s unfair. I am going to do it NOW. I am not going to give it any more energy. I am just not going to go there. All it gets me is upset. I’ve thought about this “shit” enough. There is no benefit to anyone in thinking this way except becoming UPSET. So, what if it’s WRONG? It’s not up to me to make it RIGHT! This train of thought has no real value. I am not buying into this situation. Don’t go there! Stop it!”

True, it sounds silly but you have to combat the negativity until it slows down and STOPS. Like a run-a-way train you have to regulate the energy that drives it in order to get it under control.

The more you think about upsetting thoughts, the more energy you put into the unfairness, the more upset you will become. In other words, obsessive, repetitive thinking only makes things worse. It drives negative emotions and destructive behavior.

It is possible to STOP this hijacking of your mind. You don’t have to be the victim of unwanted thoughts and feelings. You can choose to think about something else and get yourself away from any negative emotions, thoughts, beliefs and behaviors. Yes, it can be done but to do this you have to let go of some pretty strong beliefs that you see as unchangeable and “right”.

Albert Ellis believed in challenging people about what he called “cognitive errors”. Cognitive errors are those concrete ways of thinking that are inconsistent with reality. Now that’s a mouthful. So what are they anyway?

They are also thoughts which, most of the time, have become habitual. They are those should of’s, could of’s, must do’s, have to's, should do’s, and ought to’s that govern and then hijack a person’s mind. They are the thoughts that poison your mind and always lead to blame, guilt, depression and anger. They are beliefs that no matter how one slices the pie are just wrong. They create havoc and destruction in a person’s life. They are the chaos that happens when you insist that the world and everyone in it must act in or believe in the way you want it. True, it’s great when the “world” complies with your rules but most of the time the world just “doesn’t”. People who act like the world responds according to them and their ways of thinking place a terrific strain on themselves and others. You see them everyday. You may even be one of them. Most of the time they are just plain unhappy…

For example, if you believe that “Everyone should follow the rules”, a significant amount of conflict will happen if you live with someone who REFUSES to follow the rules. Some things just are not fair no matter how much you insist that they should be. It is not healthy to keep your tail in a ringer about something that you cannot change. Sometime you just have to accept. Now, that does not mean “give in” or “give up” but we will take about that next time…. In part IV we will talk about how to change your outlook through positive self talk and the necessity to dispute the beliefs that make you and others around you unhappy.

Until then, pay attention to those random thoughts and those concrete beliefs. You may be surprised at what you find.

As always, I’ve made my choices now it’s time to make yours…..

Shit Happens Part II

Take a Firm Grip on Your Mind – then blow it out your ASS….

If you don’t take control someone else will.

How does this happen? Simple. The next time “shit happens” or something upsets you, don’t just give into the feelings and emotions, take the time as an opportunity for change.

Remember you don’t have to give in to the anger, the depression, the anxiety or the inadequacy. You don’t have to roll over to the onslaught of emotion that often takes over. Pay attention and watch your mind. Put on your own “Low Jack” and don’t let “others” take it for any unauthorized spin. Take a firm grip on any thought that is negative and then “kick it out”. Challenge it by disputing the negativity and then let it go… Yes, it, the thought or emotion, feels logical but it is lieing to you. The more intense it is, the more unlikely that it is TRUE. Logical, Yes… Rational, NO! The thoughts I mean, not your mind!

More than likely the feeling or thought you are experiencing is an irrational mental play and the foundation of strong negative, controlling emotions that are building up or have built up over time. They are the same processes that put you on the Emotional Roller Coaster that seem to control your behavior, your thoughts and your feelings. Yes, it is easy to say but this is NOT so easy to do. It takes effort! Consistent effort and awareness on your part…. If you really want to be in control of YOU, then you have to beware of YOU and your thoughts ALL the time.

First of all, everyone has hundreds and even thousands of thoughts that take a stroll through our minds every day. As many are all aware of; “Some don’t stroll, they take us hostage”!

These are the negative, upsetting thoughts that emanate, almost instantaneously, through our mind and drain us of most anything positive; our energy, our attitude, our behaviors – everything…. You feel it when you get angry, depressed, anxious and inadequate. Many of us believe that we can’t change and that is just the way things are.… As I’ve said before, “shit happens”.

We believe that when something happens it causes us to feel a certain way and then we have to “react” to that feeling. In other words, what happens dictates our feelings and our feelings dictate our behavior. You have no control, “Shit Happens”! The event or “bad thing” dictates how you feel about something and that feeling tells you how to respond. Again, you have no control. “Shit happens” and you can do nothing about the result.

Popular belief, true, but nothing is further from the truth! “Shit happens”, yes, but you can do something. You can take control of your thoughts, your emotions and your behavior. I know taking responsibility when you’re at your lowest is not your idea of fun but it is something you have to do if you want any “peace of mind” and NO, it is not a ONE TIME EFFORT. Your effort to stop the constant onslaught and prattle of the mind needs to be an ongoing process that does not stop at one attempt. If you want to be the one in control of your feelings and your behavior, it has to be an ongoing practice; one that starts now and continues the rest of your life.

You CHANGE they way you think and you CONFRONT beliefs that drive the disabling emotion. In turn, you make CHOICES about your behavior. NO, you don’t have to be taken hostage by Roller Coaster Feelings and Out of Control Emotions and Behaviors!

It is your decision to be in charge of your thoughts, your beliefs, your feelings and your behavior. The good news? It does become easier the more it is exercised. As with most things, with use comes ease and it can become almost instantaneous.

To stop this Roller Coaster Ride of irrational feelings, beliefs and behaviors you have become aware of what your mind is saying about what is happening around you on a daily basis. It is all about being “mindful” of daily events and situations. Once aware, you need to make a conscious choice to challenge and break into any negative beliefs or judgments you harbor about any current or past situations.

How do you do this? Well, we will talk about the specifics next time…. Until then, you have choices to make…. I’ve made mine… You have to make yours?

Isn’t it time to take back what you didn’t even know you had given away in the first place? In this day and age of cleansing our bodies of toxins, isn’t it time to cleanse our mind and take full responsibility for what we do, how we feel and what we think?

Yes, bad things still happen to good people. We can’t change that but we can change how we deal with these events, how it ultimately affects us and in turn what we do, how we feel and what we think.

Until next time, as a wise fourteen year old once told me; “Just because it is clear to you, doesn’t mean you can fly through it”.

Of Strippers and Shrinks

Vampires of the night she told me… Feeding upon the money and insecurity of those wanting to be seduced by something they cannot posses. She was a leggy, newly brunette with dark seduction throughout her aura. Piercings and tattoos were subtle and an admitted addiction; her companion, a small firecracker of sensuality with flashing eyes and come-hither smile sat near my other side.… Sex, well people are wrong... It is not overrated….

Vampires feeding or vulnerability lured to perform by the need to pay ones bills with a dash of exhibitionism thrown in? I tend to believe it is more about vulnerability, strength, and sexuality; at least with these two Vixens Of The Night.

The Naked Truth about Vulnerability… Yes, we all have a little Stripper and Shrink in all of us. Besides, we are not all that different. Each deals with the Naked Vulnerability of their profession and the primary success of their focus is founded in Relationships and the ability to connect with their Cliental.

Each deals with the façade of society and expectations society places upon the interactions… Each deals within the core of human vulnerability and each has to focus on others and not themselves if they are going to rise to the top of their chosen or given profession. Each are often judged, not by who they are, but often in what they do. Each are grounded in a ‘no touch” rule that not only protects them but the individuals they interact with, forcing the interaction to focus on the here and now and not in the what was or what could be’s.

Opening one’s self to the extent of being naked to the world is often a very frightening place. To shed the protective clothing of the day and walk confidently into the night is no easy task. To have the eyes of the immediate world on you, assessing your vulnerabilities, takes courage and a resolve that is not always easily accomplished. It is something not many do and which many pass judgment.

To be vulnerable is to have strength in ways so powerful many fear it… However, when once experienced, gives one a sense of control that can be magical…. A journey of “naked vulnerability” is in itself a cloak of protection… Be it in the “office” of a Shrink, the “stage” of a Stripper or the confines of your own everyday world. We all have a “pole” with which we dance. A journey which draws judgment and expectations to others while being about the ability to sustain the judgment of others.

Maybe there is a little Stripper and Shrink in all of us. Maybe it is what helps us be compassionate and a little edgy at the same time… Maybe it’s the allure of attraction, the potential excitement which gives us the courage to step onto the stage of life and expose our vulnerabilities with the passion and sensuality that life deserves... Maybe it makes us honest; not only to ourselves but also to the world in which we interact.

So, the next time you find yourself face to face with a “Stripper” or a “Shrink”. Who are you going to pull a chair next to...? And when you are comfortable, your heart starts its regular rhythm again, maybe, just maybe the eyes looking back at you will be yours…

As one “friend” once told me, “It’s the eyes. They get me every time. It’s here I find truth.”

Well, it’s time for this Reservation Recluse to assess his own vulnerabilities and as usual, it’s a choice. I enjoy making new friends and enjoy the discussion of “possibilities”. I choose the risk of potential rather than the safety of what was. So in the world of Strippers and Shrinks, who are you going to look in the eye? Maybe your vulnerability is also your strength and maybe there is a little “Vampire” in all of us.

Therefore, my long legged friend, maybe you were “right” after all. Let me know when it’s time to feed. We all have choices to make… Until then, I have made mine. Isn’t it time to make yours?

Shit Happens

Life Changes!

It is funny how life changes. I guess that is what life is all about… It is an every moving, ever breathing thing…. Life…..

The sun is out and it warms the morning air. The grass is starting to green and it actually feels just a little like spring. The last few weeks have been reminiscent of Winter…. Blustery, Cold and Spitting Frozen Rain… sometimes even Snow…. I guess that’s LIFE!

Change! How can one adjust to it? You can’t prevent it. Change, especially when life changes and smacks you right alongside of the head? What can you do?

No, you are right. You can’t change what happens but you can change how you deal with it. You can take the Roller out of Coaster and stop the Emotional Roller Coaster that seems to control ones existence when “shit” happens.

Coping With Change or When Life Hands Out Lemons….. Throw Them At Your Neighbor…..

WOW…. What does this really mean? Change is hard enough. Why would anyone want to “cope with it”? And lemons, they just make your mouth all sour, your lips pucker and you come close to down right drowning in your own saliva; minimally you just drool. Not a good picture… Right?

Well, a man named Albert Ellis; the Grand Daddy of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, believed we, as people, were responsible for our own thoughts, our own attitudes, our own behavior and yes even our own emotions. Personal responsibility; where did he come up with that?

Yes, I know that remains somewhat of a challenge in today’s society, yet Ellis developed a Model he believed could give you more control and influence over the lemons in your life. He also believed in the ability for you to exercise your mind and find a peaceful place for it to dwell.. and no it’s not lonely street….. or heart break hotel…..

You heard me right! It’s not a place to go. It’s something to do. I said the word exercise, right! Yes, exercise. Well, not in the traditional sense though… Peace of mind does not come without work and directed energy on your part. Maybe that’s the hard part?

Peace of mind is something you have to work for. It’s not just handed out because one feels they deserve it; even though sometimes, it may appear that way or that’s the way you want it. It just doesn’t happen!

So what about this guy call Albert and what did he develop? Well, Ellis developed a four part model. His A, B, C, D Theory of Emotions and it puts YOU right on the leading edge.

A: is the activating Event or Situation. In other words, “shit happens” but he says that the event itself does not make you angry, sad or worried. Rather it is YOUR interpretation of that event. “Shit” he say’s, just happens….

B: is your belief system. Yes, your values about what just happened. They include your shoulds, your should nots as well as your musts. All the “stuff” you place on yourself and others. All that self talk you do automatically.

Ellis believes that only YOU make yourself unhappy and you do that by what you tell yourself. He says that beliefs, though logical, can be irrational.

These irrational beliefs, along with too high expectations, are the culprits of emotional trauma as they are inconsistent with reality.

When these beliefs are not in sync with the reality, they lead to disabling feelings and emotions such as of helplessness, hopelessness, anger and depression.

C: is the consequence. The result of what happened due to the situation. It is also how you “feel” about this event based on your own self-talk. Yes, two things. The consequence of the situation or event (behavior) as well as the consequence you set up in your own mind (disabling emotion).

D: is the dispute. This is the confrontation you use to fight the irrational beliefs that propelled you towards the anger, the depression, the worry or the inadequacy. It is here you need to argue with the thoughts that are upsetting you and express the feelings that are underneath the Disabling Emotions...

Basically, you confront them and tell them to go away. You have to tell yourself, “Yes, I can accept what I can’t change.” “Shit does happen, even to good people.” “I can accept it; I don’t have to like it.” Simple yet effective; No, I did not say it was easy, just simple.

We often defend ourselves by blaming others when things don’t go our way, when they are not what we want or how we want them. When this happens we need to use a technique where you interrupt and depute the negative trash thoughts and emotions. This confrontation is called “Thought Stopping”. It is where you keep watch of yourself throughout the day.Yes, throughout the day.  It is not a one stop shop.

It is here you become aware of the negativity in both your thoughts and emotions. It is here you examine your beliefs and expectations about yourself and others. It is here you sit back and take a good inventory of you.  It is difficult because most of us do not want to take a good hard look at "ME".  We would rather look at others.

How do you do this? Well, you sort of have to “take a strong grip on your frontal lobes” the next time something bad happens that something upsets you. Yes, I’m talking about your “mind”. I know, you are not even sure you have mind let alone a strong grip but I assure you, you do..

You can stop that emotional roller coaster that tries to control your life. You start by taking control of the ups and downs that seem to drive your emotions. No, you can’t change what happened but you can have influence on how they affect you.

You can make a conscious choice to break all the negative, damaging beliefs and thoughts that bind you to the situation; the quicksand that pulls you down and traps you like a Louisiana Bog. You can become aware of what your self talk whispers about what is happening and going on around you. You can shift your focus.

You can confront irrational beliefs and you can express your feelings. You can also choose your behavior and how you react to the situation. You can also change your self talk, your cognition's and redefine your labels. Isn’t it time you become the master of your own mind and not let an emotional run-a-way train rule you?

Remember, your mind only works when you work it. Yes, shit happens but it is up to you what happens next? Life….!

Isn’t it time to be an active player instead of a reactive one?

As always, there is a choice…. And again, I’ve made mine…..What are you going to do?

The choice is YOURS.

Birthdays

Birthdays! Now that’s a thought. I found myself contemplating life, trying to think of a topic for this week; one that everyone might identify with and I thought “Birthdays”. I know, a funny thought but everyone has one…. Birthdays that is, not necessarily thoughts… Or at least they should….. So what about them? Birthdays, I know I am not too particularly fond of them. I know they come and I know they go, but what else? Is there really any meaning or value here? Birthdays! What is of value other than they are something every one has; at least ONCE? I had to give this some thought.

Well, birthdays do come and go and one was about to go, MINE. Since it was my  birthday the thought crossed my mind that I might as well put some energy into what this day was all about. What do birthdays really mean? Birthdays, what are they really? Are they something other than days one would rather just get behind them? Are they more than days when people call you who have never called you since your last birthday? Or are they just visits from people who drop by thinking you have nothing better to do than wait around for them to show up, then you wait for them to leave? Good questions I thought. At least they were thoughts and questions I have had.

So what are they anyway? Birthdays! What happens and Why? Now that’s a thought, since I don’t really believe in Why other than “because and I don’t know”. Now the What?.... Parties maybe?

Sometimes birthdays do come with parties and they are usually parties you would never go to if left to your own accord. They often come with cake you don’t like, frosting you have to gag down and presents you don’t need or would never purchase in the first place. Birthdays… a day when people make a fuss over your age, treat you like a child and then expect you to lie and tell them you appreciate being made the brunt of their “old” jokes. All the while you are thankful you made it another 12 months and question if you have the energy to make it another 12, sometimes hoping you won’t. With each Birthday, the days get shorter but sometimes the minutes just drag by as you find the last time you looked at the clock it was still 2:00 a.m. and it felt like it was 4 hours ago…. Birthdays…..

I was beginning to think this Birthday “thinking” was not such a good idea. My present thoughts were definitely affecting my search for meaning and value. Go figure!

I use to think Birthdays should be for ones parents, not for ones self. After all, they are the people to whom your birth is really important. They planned, they waited, they saved and they persevered to get you. Your birth is something YOU have to get over, get through, and get on with. It’s filled with trauma, starting with the birth canal. It was the beginning of your life, with only one destination and that wasn’t to do it all over again.

Where as YOUR birth is something different to your parents. It is a celebration and hopefully a reminder of what they have done “right” in this world…. It is a start of something that never changes no matter how old we get. What? Simple put, they will always be Mom and Dad, and we will always be Children. No matter how old we get and how many birthdays we have; that configuration remains the same.

Yet, that doesn’t seem altogether right either….. How many of us send thank you cards for bringing me into this world to our parents, on our birthdays? Right! I rest my case! So, maybe birthdays and their celebrations really ARE about us? About cherishing the life our parents have given us and honoring a time when others want to let us know that we are important to them as well. That our presence, our birth, has made a difference and they want to acknowledge it by letting us know in some small way that yes, we are important and yes, we are loved. After all, it is not what we do in this life that is important, it is who we touch, how we touch them and the manner in which we impact others that our legacy is built. It is here we receive real value and it all starts with our birthday.

So, maybe birthdays are important after all? What CAN they be? They can be a way for us to honor others by letting them know we appreciate their kindness or remembrance. They can be an avenue to express our love, devotion and respect to others in ways that touch the heart and give comfort to the soul. They can be the days in which we give value to life and days in which we can take one day each year to value ourselves as well. It can be the life our parents gave us; the opportunity to become more than our collective parts.

Birthdays are days of hope, shedding light upon the past while giving a sense of purpose to the future. They are a manner in which one can count the march of time while being an active participant instead of a passive observer. Birthdays are the mile makers of life, giving us pause to contemplate not only the passing of time but the desire of the future…

Birthdays give us quarter to evaluate our strength, our purpose and our effect on life.

Birthdays give us the chance to rectify past mistakes and fortify future goals, for this day really is the first day of the rest of your life….

So whether you are 19 or 91 you have the responsibility to take possession of YOUR day….. It is a day to grasp with vigor and to live fully, for it truly only comes once…. It is a great day. A day not to waste; a day not to let just drift by!

Yes, birthdays truly mark the first day of the rest of one’s life…..

Again, It’s all about choice… Not the choice to have one one. That choice was made for you already but the choice in which YOU decide how to live…. No, you don’t have to wait until your B-Day comes around… Take the time to celebrate someone else… Yes, birthdays are celebrations; celebrations of life… You can fulfill your part by living today… Call you parents. Tell them how much you love them. Let them know how much you care. Call your children… Let them know how important they are to you and how much you value the day they came into your life….

Yes, birthdays are about living….. They are about VALUE. I know who I value. I have made my choice. Isn’t it time you make yours?

Go ahead, Right now…. Pick up that phone…..

Until later….. Don’t wait for the right time. Then again maybe you should, for the RIGHT time is right NOW.

Live life by being fully present, in your life, today.

Relationships: The Three Horseman

Or Marriage, Infidelity and Divorce


Remember when I said I would save “that” for another time….? The topic was relationships and how what was once the focus of your dreams ends up becoming the cause of all your problems…..

Your worst NIGHTMARE!

Ok, so it was not too hard to remember.  Well, before we dive head first into this “black hole”, I thought you might find these so called “facts” interesting.

The following enlightenment is derived, in part anyway, from a book by Dr. Holly Hein, where she explores marriage, infidelity and divorce. Ok, enlightenment is not really the word but I think you will find some of this stuff interesting.

Were you aware that affairs are actually quite common; that we are not really as monogamous as we profess to be? Ok, so it’s not all that much of a surprise to you given the statistics on divorce and what you know about your friends but what about this infidelity thing in general?

Would it surprise you if I said that nearly 70% of all married men and 60% of all married women have reported having affairs? Does that surprise you at all? Ok, so you knew men were “horn dogs” but what about the women?

Putting it in another way, infidelity impacts two out of every three marriages. MMMMM put these statistics to use in your own social circles…. Then again, maybe not….. It just might be a little too uncomfortable…..

Now, how about divorce? We all know we are a throw away society; everything from containers to automobiles. We also know that with today’s stressors, marriage is very difficult to keep on track but did you know that every ten to thirteen seconds someone gets divorced. Sort of gives you whip lash doesn’t it?

And it looks like a revolving door, carrying with it much of the past into other future relationships…

Ok, so why stay in an unhealthy relationship that makes you angry, at either yourself or your partner?


You deserve more than being pissed off don’t you? Well, how about this statistic? Would it surprise you to know that 50% of women and 33% of men remain angry for up to ten years after a divorce? Wasn’t divorce supposed to solve something or make you feel better? Wasn’t it supposed to make you less angry at someone? MMMMMMMMMM

Ok, so you get the divorce. What about starting over? How easy is it to start over? Did you know that traditionally women have more trouble starting new relationships than divorced men do? For some reason the big “D” doesn’t affect men the same way it affects women.

Men are still looked at as “commodities” while women are often seen as “damaged goods”.

Ok, we already know that two out of three couples have not stayed within the confines of a monogamous relationship. How does that pencil out with divorces? Well, the statistics are quite interesting…

While more than 90% of divorces, in long-standing relationships, involved infidelities some time during their marriage and more than 50% may be currently involved in a affair, only 25% list an affair as an actual reason for their divorce. This reinforces what many therapists have said for years.

Affairs, though damaging, don’t in themselves break up marriages. Marriages can get beyond infidelity and often do.

Now that we all know divorce is such a popular past time and affairs, though not the reason can be a factor in the divorce. Does divorce solve anything?

Well, that question is difficult to answer. We do know that approximately 80% of those who divorce during an affair regret their decision. We also know that over 75% of people who marry partners in an affair, eventually divorce. We also know that the divorce rate and ratio of infidelity are much higher among marriage partners who are involved in an affair. Now, does divorce solve anything?

You tell me.

What else do we know about affairs and infidelity? Well, we know that the average affair lasts two to four years and if an affair becomes public, it begins to fail. The affair seems to only thrive in secrecy and once the affair becomes public it often ends; no matter the promises, no matter future intentions.

If by chance an affair replaces the marriage, this new marriage is subject to the same emotional stresses as the former marriage but is twice as likely to fail. It appears that affairs are transitional past times at best….

We have already explored the fact that once an affair becomes public it dies, so the possibility of the affair developing into anything long lasting is against the odds. So what about just keeping an affair an affair? Well, due to the nature of the beast, an affair prevents binding ties from being formed. Consequently, it has nowhere to go. Therefore, sooner or later it will suffocate in secrecy.

In the end, it appears affairs die for the same reason as marriages crumble; lack of intimacy.

Now is all this etched in “stone”? No, it’s not. Statistics are just that, statistics and they can reflect anything. I am sure you all know someone involved in a monogamous relationship. Maybe you and most of your friends are. I find it interesting to see the numbers but one must be careful on how we apply them. Remember Statistics can and do support almost anything….

None the less, I do believe we can say that nothing good comes out of secrecy and intimacy is vital in almost all relationships. Especially if one wants to keep them around for any length of time. Plug that into trust and respect and you might just have a receipt for a relationship that lasts.

So until next time, where do you fit into all these statistics?

As always, it is your choice. I have made mine. It’s now time to make yours if you have not already….

Remember, “Not all that shines is Gold. It may just be the refection of a Snipers Scope”. Or NOT….. And “proceed with caution does not mean not to proceed at all”….

So, the next time you are looking for something brighter in the next pasture or over the next hill, make sure you and the other are free of past commitments or No Future is to be had…

It will be an exercise in TRANSITION at best.

Lettin Go

Letting go.... It’s harder than you think!

Teenagers, how do they become responsible adults and how do you force them into it? Well, you don’t. Yet, they do or at least they can with your help. Become “responsible adults” that is….

It’s a tricky time and a stressful time for both parent and teenager. It is also a time many parents avoid. Parents often hold on tight from age 12 through 17 and then, poof; the magic adult age of 18. You have no more control and if you have not begun the transition into adulthood earlier, this period can be a difficult time for all.

Today is the age where 50’s are now the new 30’s, and at 24 many are going through delayed adolescents. Does that mean at 18 our children are really 10? No, it doesn’t work that way but are we turning out 18 year olds who are not prepared to face the demands of the ADULT world?

The answer is YES.

The key word is transition. Remember 18 is still a teen, yet in all legal respects that teenage cushion is gone. It can be a frightening time for parents and a confusing time for teens.

So how does one navigate these waters?

No, this navigation is not easy; simple yes but easy, no! It is very difficult and it takes about two years to successfully manage all the turns, bumps and grinds.

Letting go for parents can be as difficult as getting away is for teens.

The Key to the situation is this time needs to be a process of “letting go”, not a dump and the process can not begin at age 18. Letting go is also a process of building block’s, which are necessary to help your teen build accountability and test out responsibility.

True, there is no one way to be successful at this process but there are some steps one can take to make the transition easier and you feel more comfortable in the journey.

Your first concept to consider is as your teen gets older, you need to allow them greater freedom. That can mean letting them stay out later to having more autonomy with their friends or letting them decide what classes they are going to take in school. This "freedom" can take on many and varied faces. How much freedom is up to you.  It is up to your own values but remember,with age comes the responsibility of managing their time as well as their behavior. It has to start small and grow gradually.

Success will be reflected in their choices as well as your level of trust.

Giving this freedom, in small increments, will help your teen manage that time and you to be able to assess, trust and adjust to how they accomplish it. With Freedom comes accountability, responsibility and trust. It is a time to learn, to test independence and a time to grow.

Now, we all know “teens” are not going to be perfect; they will break rules and make less than optimal decisions. Even so, the teen years should be guided with a punish less than more rule and when you do discipline, make sure that the punishments are natural consequences to their decisions and behavior, not necessarily to your rules.

If you ground, make sure and avoid “grounding” your teen for more than a few days. It just doesn’t work any longer and it makes you a warden; not a parent. It also impacts your time and grounds YOU. Remember this time is a learning curve and they need the experience and trust to make Responsible Decisions; not just blindly obey or break rules. Use grounding to help your teen think, redirect and know that there are boundaries and consequences that do guide their life.

So what does all this mean? It means it is important to find a balance between encouraging healthy rebellion and setting unreasonable limits…..

If you want your teen to talk with you, don’t pry… that does not mean you should not be involved in their life but remember they have a personal life too. No, this does not mean that you stay out of their life or their business. Remember it is a personal life not a private life.

The key word is respect…. Not rights…. Children have privileges and parents have responsibilities. Everyone needs RESPECT and everyone should give it. It is important not to confuse them, privileges and responsibilities I mean, not Children and Teens... As for respect? It goes across the board.

Give unsolicited advice sparingly. 

By this time your teen should already know your rules, your values and your fears. I know this is very difficult not to do. Sometimes advice and discipline are all we know. Remember, this is a time to model and ask questions. Not the time to tell them all that they are doing wrong and how you would or they should rectify the situation.

Time with your teen will be at a premium and spending time with your teen means doing things that they enjoy doing with you and times for discussions about meaningful and non-meaningful things. It is not about you dragging them to your sisters because you want “family” time and it’s the “right” thing to do. Find out how to be a part of their life as well as how they can still fit into yours. Yes, this means finding time to “be” with them not “lecture” them.

Teens are going to want independence, so encourage their efforts to get a part-time job, to be involved in school sponsored activities, to spend the night with friends. You are going to have to gradually allow them more freedom to make appropriate and inappropriate decisions. This gives them an opportunity to be both responsible and accountable… One way is to allow them more freedom with things you value. Building this trust also builds confidence in and within them.

Your teen is going to have to make major decisions that affect their future way before the magic age of 18. The age where they are still a teen yet have all the consequences of being an adult. It is important to allow them the freedom to make some of their decisions early while you can still monitor their behaviors and choices. It not only shows your interest but it shows your trust.

These years are one of both independence and dependence. You are going to see strong mood swings between these but your task is to give your teen more freedom and shield them less from the consequences of their own decisions… Not to make it safe, non- threatening and risk free. You are going to have to try and see your teen as someone moving towards adulthood rather than stuck in perpetual delayed adolescence.

If started early, your teen can be prepared to begin the age of 18 as an adult. If done correctly, this young adult will then see you as a resource when decisions become tough and use you to help them make responsible decisions when needed and they will be accountable for there behavior and choices. If not, you will continue to rescue them from harms way and reinforce their inability to contend with a hostile adult world; nurturing, in them, a sense of “rights and entitlements”.

As always… It is your choice…..Not all choices are easy and “letting go” is one of the hardest choices you will face in being a parent.

Until next time…. The only thing I ask is YOUR BEST!

Sometimes You Win And Sometimes You Lose.

Sometimes When you Lose, You Win.

I know, it sounds too much like a country western song but it’s no “Sleeping Double In A Single Bed"! We all have had our share of “Heart Aches By The Number” and I hear that “Heartbreak Hotel” remains open for business.

The last time I was told to “Tell Laura I Love Her”, I was “Thanking God For Unanswered Prayers”. It’s not as if “Venus In Blue Jeans” needed any “Paper Roses” to “Stand By Her Man”.

Ok, it sounds like “It’s Crying Time Again” and I don’t believe anyone is ready for any “Whiskey Lullaby”. Maybe it’s time to let “Jesus Take The Wheel” and just plain “Let It Be”. You won’t find this Reservation Recluse “Crying In the Chapel” or waiting for that “Night Train To Memphis”. I would rather just “Walk The Line” and head straight out for “Kokomo”.

As they say, “These Boots Are Made For Walken” and I do see a “Tequila Sunrise” just past the “House Of The Risen Sun”.

It appears that old fashion values are difficult to come by in today’s world. You don’t know who to believe under what circumstance and people change their opinion just as fast as they use to change their underwear.

Now I’m told it’s difficult to find anyone who even knows what they are let alone wear any. Underwear is now popular outerwear and a commitment lasts only as long as you can spell it.

Marriages are pulled apart by the “realization” they were never really meant to be and children are not safe in their own homes, in school or in church. We complain that we don’t get what we are entitled to yet we fail to do what is necessary to protect ourselves and the ones we love.

We wait for others to give to us or we wait for someone else to make a difference in our lives. It seems to me that we do a lot of waiting and a lot of complaining.

Whatever happened to ideals such as Pride, Honor, Respect, Integrity, Responsibility, and Accountability? Have we become so complacent they do not matter anymore? Have we become so afraid that we close our eyes in order not to see?

We live in a time where many are afraid to stand for ideals we were taught. We sit silently by and watch others make decisions for us. Have we come to believe someone else knows what we want and need better than we do ourselves? Or have we become too despondent or lazy to care.

Have we forgotten that “one” can make a difference? Have we forgotten that a single rational voice can be heard above the noise of an angry crowd? Have we become so sensitive to the sensitivity of others that we no longer are sensitive to ourselves? Have we forgotten to stand tall and say enough is enough? Is it now enough to stand waist deep in a pile of “Shit’ and hope it is fertilizer.

When is the last time you said “no”, to anyone?

It’s difficult to listen to your own drummer, let alone march to it. Look around. Hear the rhythm. Make a stand.

Say what you believe and model what you value. Start to communicate - not in an angry fashion but in an assertive stance. Talk to your kids, talk to your neighbors, talk to the people you voted for to represent you. Make your voice heard. Start at home. Start with you.

Take Pride in what you do. Be Respectful to those around you. Live your life with Integrity so others can see when choices are not as defined. Act Responsibly and choices are not so difficult to make. Be Accountable for you and to the ones you love for in that we find Honor.

Throw in a little Guts and I believe we have a receipt for success that anyone can live with and when you look in the mirror in the morning, you just might like what you see.

I know, I have diverted from my usual rants but it has been one of those years. I have made my choice. It is again time to make yours. Maybe you already have…

I hope so because as they use to say, “Time’s a waisten”.

Until later…

“Keep your eyes sharp and your tongue under wraps. It’s not what you know that gets you into trouble; it’s what you do with the knowledge you posses.”

When Bad Boys Remain Bad Boys

When Bad Boys Remain Bad Boys Or Just because you love him doesn’t mean you have to stay!

We have talked about the allure of Bad Boys in the past. How they are sexually exciting and even, at times, intoxicating. How the immediate attraction may be chemical and how that drive for excitement may not last in a mature long-term relationship, no matter how badly you may want it to be true.

I know it is difficult to think about when all you want to do is melt in his arms or aggressively make your way with him... After all, Alpha Males draw Alpha Females.... The survival of the species is at stake ya know... but more seriously, your future happiness.

If all one wants out of life is to be a “player”, to capture the excitement of numerous one-night stands and the power that goes with non-commitment, then it may not really matter. Bad Boys do have their attraction and because of that, their place as well but what about long term relationships? Do they have a place there?

Maybe, in all fairness, one has not to look at the person but the person in context with the relationship... After all, the purpose of a long term relationship is to have the whole be greater than the sum of its parts.... That you become greater “together” than you ever were as a “single entity”. To do this we need to evaluate honestly, not the person and their potential but the health of the relationship and its relationship to the whole...

You need to ask yourself, “Is this relationship healthy, or is it unhealthy?” It is here you need to be as objective and honest as you can. To accomplish this you need to analyze the relationship. How has it has changed or modified since it first began? Has it veered from its projected path of harmony and bliss to something less desirable and more frightening?

It is important to take a good strong look at what it was you wanted and how close it has become to meeting your needs and projections. "Is the relationship nurturing or is it destroying?" Does the relationship provide an avenue for growth or does it stifle and strangle all hope of future other than what once was, while you dread what is. "Do you find yourself constantly focusing on his potential and what could be rather than the reality of what is?"

Are there “rules” to become aware of that signal one may be going down a destructive path? Since all individuals are different and statistics apply to populations not people, the answer is NO. There are no hard and fast rules but there are signals we can assess and apply to both our relationships and ourselves. There are signs that tell us we need to EVALUATE!

What are some of these signals and how can we honestly evaluate the relationship and the person within in it? Well, there are hallmarks one can be aware of and there are signs that one needs to assess.

One of the first things you can do is look towards your friends.

How do your friends respond when your Bad Boy is around or even when his name is brought up? Do you find your friends side step you and look at you like they are not sure who you are any more. Do you feel like they are avoiding you and your “Bad Boy” or do they appear happy to have you both around?

Do you find activities filled with tension and stress every time you are out with others? Do you find yourself constantly defending his actions towards you, your children, or others? Do you find yourself making excuses for his “bad” behavior or even blaming yourself; trying to convince yourself that it will not happen again…? Do you find that he often blames you for situations that don’t go “right” for him? Do you find making the environment less “stressful” for him is an impossible task?

Do you find your friends worried about you and your isolation? If your friends are worried about you, maybe you should be as well...

Check the pulse of the “relationship” not the “quick step” and desire of the heat and the heart. You cannot keep a relationship healthy by yourself or by hope and desire alone. It takes two and most Bad Boys, if their goal is to remain a Bad Boy, is focused on his Image not on you and the relationship.

Do you find he brings out the best in you or the worst in you? Do you feed each other’s best? Or do you feed the junkyard dog that resides somewhere deep within or worse, right at the surface? Do you find you are developing a Junkyard dog of your own in order to keep up or for your own self-preservation?

Do you find that you are losing the fight to believe he will change? Do you find yourself believing if only others would give him a chance he would change? Do you find you are entangled within the belief you are the only one that can bring about his salvation? Worse yet, you are beginning to believe he is your only salvation....

If you find, after an honest evaluation, that your relationship is unhealthy accept the end. Get out as fast as you can. It is dangerous for you and your family. You deserve to be with someone who respects you and is committed to maintain a healthy relationship...

It is not about sometime in the future, it is about NOW.... If you stay, manipulation and controlling behaviors will persist and they will transfer to the manipulation and the controlling of you, even when they no longer care about the relationship... Maybe it already has.

Despite your lingering feeling for this person, you have to take steps to end it as swiftly as you can and leave... Yes Leave, and leave NOW...

No, it is not easy. If it were easy there would not be so many individuals stuck in this place. Yes, it is difficult but you can do it.

Ok, many of you have no idea what I am talking about, yet some of you do, and you know what I am saying has a ring of truth to it... You know! You have just avoided taking a healthy look at and evaluating the situation you are caught up in... You have held out for the miracle of change and the hope for a better future.... You have waited long enough! Despite your best efforts to work things out you need to accept the stark reality.

Ok, you are right... Now is the time I say you have a choice... and again it is true, you do... and it does not matter if you are the Bad Boy or the person that has fallen for one... The choice is yours... and it is time to make it.... Don’t you think you deserve a better today and a brighter future? I do...but you cannot have it unless you make that choice... and the time to make one is NOW...

I have made mine.... Healthy, loving relationships are worth the risk of being alone. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts... You just have to make the decision and then the stance.... I did not say it was easy, I am just saying it is worth it....

As you take a deep seat in the saddle and pull that Stetson down tight, remember that image cannot stand shoulder to shoulder with influence and being an influence has all to do with doing the “right” thing at the “right” time. And that time is NOW...

As always, I am interested in your story and your opinion. Take the time; let me know what you think and what has worked for YOU!

Until next time…. Throw a large loop… You will be surprised how it gives one choice on what to catch…