LOVE INFATUATION AND FEAR

All Three Get The Heart Beating Faster.....

Love, Infatuation or Fear; all three get the heart beating faster, the adrenaline flowing and the mind doing cartwheels all over the place…. Put them together, in reverse order, and you get a formula for arousal that drives passion and makes you question if what you are feeling is LOVE, INFATUATION or just a Great ONE TIME ENCOUNTER... All you know and understand is that you are not totally in control…..

I know, you want it to be love, especially if you are a girl and if you are a guy you are praying that it can be a couple of one night stands, with one set of glands responding to the other; the intensity of ephemeral desire driving one further away from the stability of a lasting friendship.

Let’s take a closer look at these three adrenaline pumping conditions…. All three make you feel alive but they perform different functions when experienced separately….

Fear, although tantalizing, appears to draw us closer but in reality fear drives one further way. It makes us aware but not confident. We withdraw from it, seeking an allusion of safety. We respond as a moth to a flame… Drawn in we perish. In safety, we seek the dark but are possessed by the light. Fear keeps us to the outside of the circle, constantly moving us away from our intent. We lose ourselves outside the relationship.

Infatuation is marked by intense desire but it is not stable. It is transitory as well as allusive; teasing us with its intensity and feelings of insecurity. Excitement marks the relationship and although one sees happiness from this point, it is never really accomplished. When you are away from each other your mind is filled with unanswered questions. Doubt runs ramped as you attempt to protect the relationship from any intense inspection. One fears that if looked at too closely the allusion will end…. We lose ourselves within the relationship.

Love on the other hand is fulfilling. It takes one outside of one’s self and into the other without losing sense of self. It is best based on friendship. It is that coal that has ignited and starts to burn. Its flame is warming, comforting and slowly fills the relationship with a sense of security, understanding and strength. It takes root within the soul and grows in both maturity and passion. It does not demand perfection and it is fueled by both trust and respect. We find each other because of the relationship, not in spite of it and grow within the comfort of the other.

Infatuation draws itself towards Fear and eventually pairs with it, fueling distrust and insecurity. Instead of being comforted by the others love you are panicked by the others absence. You fear losing the relationship and the fleeing affection it brings. Driven by the fervor of sexual excitement you feel. It is also smothered by the intense insecurity of perceived loss; where a part you questions if you are good enough and if it will last. You fear losing the other and you feel a desperate need to hold on. Infatuation lacks confidence and eventually breeds distrust. When the other is away from you, you wonder if they are being faithful. At times you are driven to check and sometimes you confront. You fight to maintain control over something you never had but desperately want. You begin to justify this feeling as LOVE.

Infatuation is all about the intense feeling you have when you are together and the pain you experience when you are apart. It is intense, it is all encompassing, it is draining…… Everything thing else loses its importance and the relationship is all that seems to matter. Infatuation tends to lead you to do things you will regret, things that you may not be ready to do. Infatuation is driven by the moment.

Love is all encompassing and expands beyond you. It gives you time. It embraces the other with understanding, fueling commitment, communication and compassion. You face relationship storms with confidence, understanding that all troubles pass and whether you are close or distant, nothing separates you from the other. You are not driven by exigency, you know that you too can wait and when together the bond is strengthened and made more resilient. In love, you live in the moment and look towards the future with confidence.

Love is not based on sex but sex, when right, enhances love. The maturation of this commitment, based on real friendship, makes sex so much deeper and passionate. The intensity of lovers based on friendship enhances trust, providing a secure unthreatened and highly passionate partnership. Love makes the sum greater than its parts with sex fueling the passion of the relationship.

Now, don’t get me wrong. One is not better than the other… Each has its own benefits in a relationship, with each having its own pitfalls as well. What is important is that you don’t confuse one for the other. Whether love is mistaken for infatuation, infatuation confused for fear or fear never conquered in the first place, it is important to deal in the reality of the condition. In the quest for the relationship you desire, it is import to understand what drives it. In some instances it is progressive. In some instances it is all encompassing and some…. We are destined for compartmentalization, never moving from the point of love, infatuation or fear….

The good news is that it is a choice…. Yes again, choice… Once we have knowledge we have choice to move us either away from or towards the adrenaline rush of our desire. Some say maturity has a lot to do with it. That mature love moves us away from adolescent infatuation and that childhood infatuation is not real love….. The rest of us fear one may be right and hope it doesn’t have to be.

Try telling that to childhood sweethearts who are now celebrating their 75th wedding anniversary or the 80 year old couple who collide with their walkers and feel the electrical connection for the first time since their spouses died over 20 years ago. They now toast each other over a glass of INSURE and are confident that the skip in their heart is not atrial-fibulation….

Love, Infatuation and Fear encompass all ages and leaves no one out... It is all in the game of life…. Then again, it is a choice…. Does anyone want to play….?

As for now, this Reservation Recluse is going to get some rest. All this adrenaline gets one a little excited and one has to be up for the game……. So until later…. Keep your hands out of your pockets and your fingers on your pulse. You might just find you are alive……

Part Two: Rules and Insights

It’s Really Not All About YOU


Ok, it has been a few weeks. Some of you made a change and some of you didn’t….

Some of you waited until now to see what else was to come. We covered the first five rules and insights last time. Today, we are going to cover the next eight… Yes, thirteen in all…. I thought that to be the appropriate number for what some see as such an unlucky game….

So, what comes next…? No, there isn’t any sequence and no, you don’t have to do all of them…. The next rule is difficult for many, as it appears gamey but believe me it’s true and no, it’s not about what you can’t do or what we can do better. It’s just about our need to fix things and be needed.….

Rule Number Six: Ask for help every now and then. Yes, even if you don’t really need it. This is one of those little things that can make a big difference in a relationship and many women overlook it. Some women believe it gets in the way of their independence and their need for self-reliance. News Flash! Men really don’t care about or need you to prove your independence and self-reliance. We like you to be self-assured and confident in who you are but really, we don’t keep score. Not in that area anyway.

Even if you're the world's most stubborn and self-sufficient type, surely you can find a few things you might want a hand with. Help doesn’t mean you are weak, ignorant or lazy. Sometimes it just means you want to share… Your time, your experience and your affection.

Just look at your daily routine or your favorite "to do" list and focus on one or two things you could use a little assistance with. Change your bike tire? Fix a cabinet? Get a back rub. If you are really edgy, running a bubble bath… Chances are you can find something. And, he'll be so glad you did! You might just find out that it’s not so bad either….

Insight Number Six: Guys love feeling that they are needed (don't we all?) – and they are programmed to fix things, even if it is not broken. You'd be amazed at how much guys appreciate being asked for help. Now being told what to do? That’s another story for yet another time.

Rule Number Seven: Be Ok with being you. Don’t Act Desperate... Don't let your requests run away with you or they become demands... Clingy and needy is as about as attractive as being “Bitchy”, not…. and it will send a guy away quicker than you can shed those tight fitting jeans. There's a difference between letting someone in your life and being needy and clingy.

Insight Number Seven: A man wants to see that you have lots going on and that your need for him does not run core deep. He needs to know you can live without him. You just want to be with him. You will spook him if you try to totally lock up his schedule seven nights a week or tell him you've changed all your plans just to be with him.

Show him you want him in your world but he is not your total world.

Rule Number Eight: Be strong but not intimidating... Ok, that’s a fine line and a perception as well. You don’t want someone who can’t stand toe to toe with you either. Look for a balance. Today's women are major multi-taskers. They juggle jobs, family, friendships, finances, hobbies, school, and so much more. All that energy can be intimidating. Remember, you see life connected. He see’s life compartmentalized.

Insight Number Eight: Whether you're a hardcore professional and he's a musician... you come from a wealthier family than he does... or you're one of those ulter-intellectual women who know everything about everything -- it's important to be aware of his emotions, support him, and be his cheerleader when needed.

Do not compare him to others -- that's just not a place any guy likes to be. Really, it’s not a place you want to be either. In circumstances where you might stick it out and hope for change, he will run.

Rule Number Nine: Open your ears and shut your mouth. You Talk Way Too Much... Talking is a great way to get to know one another -- but some women can't resist the urge to monopolize the conversation or attempt to charm guys with long-winded stories.

Insight Number Nine: You don't have to tell him your whole life story on your first date. He really doesn’t want to know how your Goldfish Muffy died or how you have kept a "pillow diary" of your wishes and desires since you were 12. Guys don't enjoying hearing tedious rants or rambles -- the key is to listen and share the present you. And don't be afraid to hear your own thoughts. You just don’t want to listen to them. Pauses are your best friend! A short break in the conversation is better than a motor-mouth that doesn't quit. A touch, a look, a smile, a shared insight; they are your best friends.

Body language and a slight touch far outweigh a verbal tirade.

Rule Numkber Ten: Loosen up a little. Don’t get you jammies all wound up in a ringer when he wants you to get a little dirty. No, I’m not talking about the lady he wants in public and the dirty, nasty little bitch he longs for in the bedroom.

There's something irresistible about a girl who can roll with the punches. You can be Miss Prim and Proper during the workweek but if you can't ever loosen the strings, it's no fun. Being uptight is a bore. You will never meet a guy who says, "I wish I could meet a girl who is uptight!" It is important to role with the punches and let the little things slide. The key is play. Play is fun! Get involved and do something, anything…

Sometimes it is good to let the thoughts and feelings take a rest and just get physical.

Insight Number Ten: Life's a dirty business and the more you can play in it, the more he'll respect and appreciate you -- whether it's going on a no make-up, no-shower overnight camping trip or playing tag football. It’s fun, it’s sexy and it’s enjoyable. Be involved in life as it comes around. You will be glad you did. Most regrets come from roads not taken and opportunities missed. The best opportunities are not planned for they are experienced.

Rule Number Eleven: Be secure with you.... Nothing's sexier than a confident woman. That may be a lot to live up to but it can be easier than you think. Try paying attention to your body language and eye contact. They are the most obvious signs of how you feel about yourself.

Insight Number Eleven: A protective stance; hunched, collapsed chest, crossed arms, looking down, or turning away -- all have the potential to be big turn-offs that send him away. If you’re not confident with you, he won’t be either. Stay focused on your strengths instead of what you see as your weaknesses. You'll see great changes and more opportunity. More importantly, so will he.

Rule Number Twelve: Loosen up a little ….Naggers don't get far in the world of love and neither does being a full time bitch. What you'll create is a very resentful guy. Whether you're constantly harping on him for the small stuff or dishing out a daily dose of "why can't you be more...?” -- The way to a man's heart is definitely not through nagging. And it’s not through wanting him to change, no matter what you see his potential to be.

Insight Number Twelve: Let the little things go because they really are LITTLE. Keep your eye on the big things like; is he a good person, do you have fun together and are you treated with respect? You may want him but remember if you do catch him, is he who you really want? Focusing on the little things will lead us to avoid the bigger more important character issues that make or break long-term relationships…. Remember, you can change the behavior but you can’t change the character.

Rule Number Thirteen: Let a little humor into your life. Not all life is so serious... Take some time to laugh and have fun... Share life. Laugh at life. Have fun in all rooms of the house.

Insight Number Thirteen: It’s more fun to be around someone who can make you feel alive than someone who is always complaining and down…. Remember being negative will draw out a negative and two negatives in a relationship will not make a positive or a good time for anyone, in any sense of the word. Smile at life. Laugh at yourself and enjoy who you are. It’s addictive….

Ok, it’s not rocket science but something that needed to be said…. Some old-fashioned ideas maybe but they still hold water in today’s bucket of romance and love….

What do you think? I know it’s unfair that it was all about the female types out there but in today’s world of political correctness, sometimes things just haves to be said. For years I have heard how men objectify women. Yes, we have. Some of men still do…

I am not excusing “bad” behavior or justifying disrespect in any manner. Any way you slice that cookie it is still WRONG. What I am saying is it is not all about how you look to us. It’s often how you make us feel.

A Good Looking Sexy Bitch is a Single Good Looking Sexy Bitch. I am sorry that the rules do not apply for the real “Bastards” out there. However, that is yet another story for yet another time.

Let me know your story… Does any of what was talked about in this two-part series ring true for you? Have you tried it? I know that in today’s get tough, independent world these issues may not be popular. If you are single and don’t want to be, you might want to consider some of what was talked about. If you are “hooked up” but feel you are losing him a little every day, you might want to assess if you are falling into any of the above traps or are breaking any of the above rules…. You might even want to apply and insight or two.

Until next time… Be confident, be respectful, and most of all be the Woman you know you are…. A woman who knows how to be a woman but is not afraid of being a girl is almost impossible to resist.

Yes, you are right. With a little revision, these thirteen rules can also apply to the other gender… Go figure!

It is time for this Reservation Recluse to refocus and prepare for our next discussion. So remember, when your crossing the Great Divide keep focused on what’s ahead of you. Keep your ass deep in the saddle and your heels locked deep in the stirrups. The scenery is beautiful in the high country but it is a dangerous place to lose your focus….